The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
JOHNNY MANZIEL RECOUNTS EVENTS OF PAST FIVE MONTHS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Aug. 26, 2019
Emmitt's primary mission was saving his beloved Dianna Marie Russini from her captors, but he knew that would have to wait as he tended to his sick friend.
Emmitt checked into a seedy motel, dragging Johnny Manziel's drunken body into a room and onto its bed, which had some sketchy stains on the mattress. Emmitt ignored them, as he had bigger fish to fry.
"I have to saves my friend, Johnny the Foosball," Emmitt said to himself, as Manziel snored loudly.
Emmitt tossed and turned that night, and it seemingly took him forever to fall asleep. Before he knew it, a rooster woke him up. He nudged Manziel to wake him out of his slumber, and he finally succeeded after an hour of doing so. Unfortunately, Manziel was still intoxicated.
"Heys how'ds we gets to this hotels, ares theres any cools celbreties for me tohangs outs with hic?" Manziel asked.
Emmitt poured Manziel a glass of water, and then another, and then another. He ordered scrambled eggs. He even blew a megaphone into Manziel's eardrum. Nothing worked.
"This unpossible!" Emmitt complained. "I losted my appetite. Seriously, I do not know where it go. It not under the bed!"
Emmitt shoved his bowl of plain cork flakes in Manziel's direction. Manziel, believing these were still eggs, scooped a spoonful into his mouth. And just like that, he was completely sober.
"Whoa, I can speak normally and my head's no longer foggy!" Manziel exclaimed, looking in Emmitt's direction. "Emmitt, thanks for rescuing me from that wedding! I definitely owe you one!"
"One what?" Emmitt asked. "Do you mean one dollar, or one spoonfuls of corn flake even though I do not see any corn in the cereous blox?"
"No, I just owe you in general," Manziel replied. "I... I actually remember you saying that you needed help for a mission last night."
Emmitt told Manziel all about Dianna Marie Russini and her abduction. Manziel listened intently, but looked sullen toward the end of Emmitt's tale.
"I don't know if I can be much help, Emmitt," Manziel said, looking at the floor. "I'm an addict, and what if I become high again? I could hinder your mission."
"I do not know what hinder mean," Emmitt responded. "But how you going to get high if you on my altitude? Unless you have a jet pack I do not knew about."
"I mean high in terms of intoxication," Manziel clarified. "I... I have problems. It all started right after we got rid of the Walking Bucs in March. Everyone hailed us as heroes. Suddenly, cool celebrities wanted to hang out with me again. Matt Leinart, Mario Lopez, Judy from Family Matters. The list goes on and on. So, I went to their parties, and I was around hardcore drugs again. Judy from Family Matters stuck a needle into her arm, and she gave it to me. She told me it was just Fruity Pebbles, so it seemed OK. The next thing I knew, I was swallowing, snorting and anally inserting Fruity Pebbles. I couldn't stop.
"Of course, the celebrities I was chilling with were only doing it recreationally," Manziel continued. "But I'm an addict. I couldn't stop. Soon enough, these cool celebrities didn't want anything to do with me because I was always stuffing Fruity Pebbles into my anus. It felt good, but less good each time. Suddenly, one day, I get a call from this bro I used to know. He told me Fruity Pebbles sucked and that Cocoa Pebbles were better. He then laughed at me. I went on a long rant about it that day online, and then my dad said that he didn't know if I could make it to my 93rd birthday at my current rate. It was horrible.
"But I was high on Fruity Pebbles, so I showed up to this guy's wedding," Manziel revealed. "I told him that he and his Cocoa Pebbles could suck it, so I knocked him the f- out. Then, his groomsmen tried to jump me, and that's when you came in. Emmitt, I'll never forget what you did for me - running over those eight creeps saved my life."
Manziel stopped talking and looked down at the ground once more, kicking his legs. Emmitt walked over and put his hand on Manziel's shoulder.
"Johnny Foosball," Emmitt said softly. "I need you on my team because I belief in you. Now, let's go rescue Dianna Mariana Russia."
Manziel smiled for the first time in months.
A FAMILIAR PERSON IS ATTACKED
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Aug. 26, 2019
Emmitt and Johnny Manziel hit the road Sunday afternoon. They expected to enter Georgia by nightfall, but construction in South Carolina thwarted their plans.
"Looks like we're going to have to go through Myrtle Beach," Manziel said.
"I just hope we don't have to drive in the ocean," Emmitt said with a worried tone.
The two continued to drive southward, and they had a great look at the beach, which was on their left. It was a pleasant view until Manziel spotted something rather disturbing.
"Emmitt, stop!" Manziel shouted.
Emmitt slammed the breaks and immediately put the car into park. He saw it, too.
A familiar man was wrestling with something on the beach. The man was a giant, bald, dark-skinned man whose chest and stomach jiggled whenever he moved. Emmitt and Manziel might have dismissed it as some horseplay if it weren't for the other creature this man was wrestling. It was a giant shark!
"Emmitt, Warren Sapp is being attacked by a shark again!" Manziel shrieked, running toward the brawl. Emmitt followed hastily.
Sapp was a big man, but he was no match for the shark. The creature sunk its jaws into Sapp's flesh, prompting the former Buccaneer to cry in agony.
"Warden Sapp, we trying to save you but I saw the movie Jaw when I was young and I scare!" Emmitt whimpered.
"What do we do!?" Manziel cried.
Emmitt and Manziel walked toward the action, but neither dared to get too close, as they didn't want to be the shark's next victims.
"Someone, please help me!" Sapp shrieked, but it appeared to be too late.
A shot rang out.
Twice more. Emmitt and Manziel looked around to see where it came from, but they couldn't find the person responsible. What they saw, however, was a big relief, as the shark had three bullet holes in its head. It collapsed, and Sapp got off the ground.
"Thanks for shooting the shark, guys," Sapp said.
"We didn't do it," Manziel replied, shrugging his shoulders.
"It was I," a voice said from the other side. Another man - this one with dreadlocks - stepped into view. It was Isaiah Crowell.
"I finally got the motherf-... ahh s**t!" Crowell spat. "I shot at something blue and white, and I thought it was a damn Five-O. And here, it's just a f***ing shark. God f***ing damn it."
"Well, I'm forever in your debt," Sapp said meekly.
"You want to be in my debt?" Crowell asked. "Find me a Five-O to kill. As a member of a group that tries to fix minority oppression, it's my duty to shoot as many Five-O as possible because they're responsible for millions, nay, billions of black deaths each year."
"Isaiah Cornell, I need your help," Emmitt interjected. "I'm trying to safe the love of my lives, Dianne Maria Russia, and with your gunmanship, I think I can debeat the enemy. Will you join myselves and Johnny Foosball?"
Crowell thought about it for a second and then nodded his head.
"Sounds like there might be Five-O to kill on this mission," Crowell said. "Count me in."
"Me, too," Sapp said. "Anything to get me away from the beach and these damn sharks."