Emmitt on the Brink - Season 3: Week 11
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
RAIDERS OWNER HAS NEW STRATEGY FOR PATRIOTS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Nov. 20, 2015
Like the Patriots, Al Davis' Oakland Raiders are undefeated, thanks to the NFL's perfect football player.
In case you've been living under a rock, you know of Glandor - a 14-foot, 10-inch, 1,750-pound creation who once ran a 40-yard dash in 0.6 seconds. In nine games, Glandor has 7,250 rushing yards and 96 touchdowns.
"Glandor... is a great... playah..." Davis always says of his star lab rat.
Unfortunately for the man called Undead Al, the Raiders have not been able to beat the Patriots with Glandor on the roster.
"The referees... continue... to screw... the Oakland Raidahs..." Davis said. "It's time... to start... a new strategy... so we can win... even if... commissionah... Pete Rozelle... wants us... to lose..."
Davis' new strategy was unintentionally spawned Thursday afternoon when he took his great-great-great-great-grandchildren to see Harry Potter 4D. Harry Potter 4D is the first movie to use four-dimensional technology - where you can watch multiple movies at the same exact time (in this case, all eight Harry Potter films.)
While most people who want to see 4D movies must wear heavy glasses to prevent blindness, a mouth piece to stop bleeding, ear plugs to avert seizures and an x-ray vest to thwart radiation poisoning, Davis was able to don just his regular old black-and-white jumpsuit.
"All of my surgeries... have prevented me... from suffering... any maladies..." Davis revealed. "That's why... I am able to continue... to scout great playahs... at the age... of 255..."
Davis, who was reluctant to watch Harry Potter 4D, claimed that he was optimistic about his chances of defeating the Patriots once the movies concluded.
"Voldemort... would have been... a great... football ownah..." Davis said. "But his one mistake... was focusing... on killing... Harry Pottah... instead... Vodemort should have... told his minions... to play football... for his team..."
So how specifically does Davis plan on finally beating New England?
"Like Voldemort... I will... dabble... in the... dark arts..." Davis said. "I will learn... how to use... dark magic... to beat... the Patriots... and then... get my revenge... on commissionah... Pete Rozelle..."
So, is the New England coaching staff afraid of the Raiders now that Davis plans on using dark magic? Not a chance.
"That's so stupid," said co-interim head coach Eric Mangini. "Everyone knows the stuff in those Harry Potter movies isn't real. If it were real, then Hermoine wouldn't have gotten a restraining order against me when I sent her a real owl in the mail as a gift. I thought she'd be able to use it to write love letters to me, but instead, it pooped on all over her clothes. How do I know this? Well, by using my Teddy Ruxpin binoculars to spy into her bedroom window, of course."
JaMarcus Russell, the other co-interim head coach, seemed more confused than confident.
"Uhh... I watch Hairy Pooper 4C do ya tink so?" Russell said or asked. "In the movie guy with glasses ride broom haha... uhh... and den big guy in forest with hair on face walk with dog and talk to spider, do ya tink so?"
Vegas isn't as confident as Mangini and Russell; the oddsmakers have made the Raiders a 73-point favorite. After watching Davis' antics over the years, it's apparent that they're legitimately concerned that the undead owner has something up his jumpsuit sleeve.
AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Nov. 23, 2015
No one expected Al Davis to waste any time in terms of using his new secret weapon against the undefeated Patriots.
New England won the coin toss and returned it to the 25-yard line. As Patriots quarterback Anthony Morelli was about to take the first snap out of the shotgun, Davis, sitting in the owner's luxury suite, picked up his magic wand, pointed it at the football, and shouted, "Expelliarmus!"
The football dislodged out of Morelli's hands. As Morelli drunkenly looked around completely confused, Glandor - who plays both ways - scooped the ball up and returned it for a touchdown.
"That is why... Glandor... is a great... playah..." Davis said to the cyclopses, zombies and gargoyles accompanying him in his suite.
Davis employed the same strategy on New England's next drive. Fortunately for the Patriots, Wes Welker was able to pounce on the football. After a punt, the Raiders had the ball on their own 30-yard line.
"It is time... for another... great spell..." Davis said. "I will now... make Glandor... the great playah... fly over... everyone..."
Davis pointed his wand toward Glandor.
"Wingardium Leviosahhh!" Davis shouted.
Nothing happened, however.
"It's not Leviosahhhh; it's Leviosa," said one of Davis' great-great-great-great-granddaughters.
"Wingardium Leviosahhh!" Davis repeated.
"I told you, great-great-great-great-gradnfather, it's not Leviosahhhh; it's Leviosa," repeated the annoying little girl.
"That's it!!!" Al Davis yelled, slamming his wand onto a nearby coffin. "This little... pesky girl... must be... taken away... gargoyles... take her... to the... underworld..."
Two of Davis' gargoyles swooped in, snatched the little girl and took her away. As this was going on, the Raiders committed a turnover. Morelli then drunkenly threw a pass into the end zone for a touchdown.
"Commissionah... Pete Rozelle... must have... placed that little girl... in my... luxury suite..." Davis muttered under his breath. "Now... the Patriots... quarterback... who does not... run a fast 40... will pay... for his actions..."
Davis grabbed his wand and aimed it for Morelli on the sidelines.
"Avada Kedavra!" Davis bellowed.
A bolt of green light burst out of Davis' wand and shot straight for Morelli. As this happened, Morelli reached for a hidden beer bottle from behind the Gatorade cooler. The green lit hit the beer bottle and ricocheted toward Oakland's sideline.
There was a large bang. Once the smoke cleared, onlookers gasped, as they noticed that a 14-foot-, 10-inch, 1,750-pound monstrosity was lying face down on the ground.
"Glandor... my precious... Glandor..." Davis cried.
Glandor was carted off to the hospital. He was fortunately so big that he survived the killing curse, but doctors remain skeptical that he'll ever run a 40-yard dash under two seconds again.
"Glandor... cannot run fast... anymore..." Davis lamented after the game. "I estimate... his 40 time... will be... 2.5 seconds... that means... he will... not be... a great playah... anymore..."
As for the rest of the game, the Raiders appeared lost without their two-way player. The Patriots easily won, 42-7.
"That's what happens when you rely on only one player," said co-interim head coach Eric Mangini. "That's how I feel about girls. Erin Andrews is my almost girlfriend, but I need to look for other girls just in case I get tired of her. That's why I just sent a box of bat boogies to Ginny Weasley."
As you can imagine, somewhere in London, a hot red-head is completely mortified right now.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Fantasy Football Rankings - July 26
2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24
2015 NFL Mock Draft - July 23
2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1
NFL Free Agents
NFL Picks - Feb. 2
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