The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
RAIDERS OWNER HAS NEW STRATEGY FOR PATRIOTS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Nov. 20, 2015
Like the Patriots, Al Davis' Oakland Raiders are undefeated, thanks to the NFL's perfect football player.
In case you've been living under a rock, you know of Glandor - a 14-foot, 10-inch, 1,750-pound creation who once ran a 40-yard dash in 0.6 seconds. In nine games, Glandor has 7,250 rushing yards and 96 touchdowns.
"Glandor... is a great... playah..." Davis always says of his star lab rat.
Unfortunately for the man called Undead Al, the Raiders have not been able to beat the Patriots with Glandor on the roster.
"The referees... continue... to screw... the Oakland Raidahs..." Davis said. "It's time... to start... a new strategy... so we can win... even if... commissionah... Pete Rozelle... wants us... to lose..."
Davis' new strategy was unintentionally spawned Thursday afternoon when he took his great-great-great-great-grandchildren to see Harry Potter 4D. Harry Potter 4D is the first movie to use four-dimensional technology - where you can watch multiple movies at the same exact time (in this case, all eight Harry Potter films.)
While most people who want to see 4D movies must wear heavy glasses to prevent blindness, a mouth piece to stop bleeding, ear plugs to avert seizures and an x-ray vest to thwart radiation poisoning, Davis was able to don just his regular old black-and-white jumpsuit.
"All of my surgeries... have prevented me... from suffering... any maladies..." Davis revealed. "That's why... I am able to continue... to scout great playahs... at the age... of 255..."
Davis, who was reluctant to watch Harry Potter 4D, claimed that he was optimistic about his chances of defeating the Patriots once the movies concluded.
"Voldemort... would have been... a great... football ownah..." Davis said. "But his one mistake... was focusing... on killing... Harry Pottah... instead... Vodemort should have... told his minions... to play football... for his team..."
So how specifically does Davis plan on finally beating New England?
"Like Voldemort... I will... dabble... in the... dark arts..." Davis said. "I will learn... how to use... dark magic... to beat... the Patriots... and then... get my revenge... on commissionah... Pete Rozelle..."
So, is the New England coaching staff afraid of the Raiders now that Davis plans on using dark magic? Not a chance.
"That's so stupid," said co-interim head coach Eric Mangini. "Everyone knows the stuff in those Harry Potter movies isn't real. If it were real, then Hermoine wouldn't have gotten a restraining order against me when I sent her a real owl in the mail as a gift. I thought she'd be able to use it to write love letters to me, but instead, it pooped on all over her clothes. How do I know this? Well, by using my Teddy Ruxpin binoculars to spy into her bedroom window, of course."
JaMarcus Russell, the other co-interim head coach, seemed more confused than confident.
"Uhh... I watch Hairy Pooper 4C do ya tink so?" Russell said or asked. "In the movie guy with glasses ride broom haha... uhh... and den big guy in forest with hair on face walk with dog and talk to spider, do ya tink so?"
Vegas isn't as confident as Mangini and Russell; the oddsmakers have made the Raiders a 73-point favorite. After watching Davis' antics over the years, it's apparent that they're legitimately concerned that the undead owner has something up his jumpsuit sleeve.
AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Nov. 23, 2015
No one expected Al Davis to waste any time in terms of using his new secret weapon against the undefeated Patriots.
New England won the coin toss and returned it to the 25-yard line. As Patriots quarterback Anthony Morelli was about to take the first snap out of the shotgun, Davis, sitting in the owner's luxury suite, picked up his magic wand, pointed it at the football, and shouted, "Expelliarmus!"
The football dislodged out of Morelli's hands. As Morelli drunkenly looked around completely confused, Glandor - who plays both ways - scooped the ball up and returned it for a touchdown.
"That is why... Glandor... is a great... playah..." Davis said to the cyclopses, zombies and gargoyles accompanying him in his suite.
Davis employed the same strategy on New England's next drive. Fortunately for the Patriots, Wes Welker was able to pounce on the football. After a punt, the Raiders had the ball on their own 30-yard line.
"It is time... for another... great spell..." Davis said. "I will now... make Glandor... the great playah... fly over... everyone..."
Davis pointed his wand toward Glandor.
"Wingardium Leviosahhh!" Davis shouted.
Nothing happened, however.
"It's not Leviosahhhh; it's Leviosa," said one of Davis' great-great-great-great-granddaughters.
"Wingardium Leviosahhh!" Davis repeated.
"I told you, great-great-great-great-gradnfather, it's not Leviosahhhh; it's Leviosa," repeated the annoying little girl.
"That's it!!!" Al Davis yelled, slamming his wand onto a nearby coffin. "This little... pesky girl... must be... taken away... gargoyles... take her... to the... underworld..."
Two of Davis' gargoyles swooped in, snatched the little girl and took her away. As this was going on, the Raiders committed a turnover. Morelli then drunkenly threw a pass into the end zone for a touchdown.
"Commissionah... Pete Rozelle... must have... placed that little girl... in my... luxury suite..." Davis muttered under his breath. "Now... the Patriots... quarterback... who does not... run a fast 40... will pay... for his actions..."
Davis grabbed his wand and aimed it for Morelli on the sidelines.
"Avada Kedavra!" Davis bellowed.
A bolt of green light burst out of Davis' wand and shot straight for Morelli. As this happened, Morelli reached for a hidden beer bottle from behind the Gatorade cooler. The green lit hit the beer bottle and ricocheted toward Oakland's sideline.
There was a large bang. Once the smoke cleared, onlookers gasped, as they noticed that a 14-foot-, 10-inch, 1,750-pound monstrosity was lying face down on the ground.
"Glandor... my precious... Glandor..." Davis cried.
Glandor was carted off to the hospital. He was fortunately so big that he survived the killing curse, but doctors remain skeptical that he'll ever run a 40-yard dash under two seconds again.
"Glandor... cannot run fast... anymore..." Davis lamented after the game. "I estimate... his 40 time... will be... 2.5 seconds... that means... he will... not be... a great playah... anymore..."
As for the rest of the game, the Raiders appeared lost without their two-way player. The Patriots easily won, 42-7.
"That's what happens when you rely on only one player," said co-interim head coach Eric Mangini. "That's how I feel about girls. Erin Andrews is my almost girlfriend, but I need to look for other girls just in case I get tired of her. That's why I just sent a box of bat boogies to Ginny Weasley."
As you can imagine, somewhere in London, a hot red-head is completely mortified right now.
I like how everyone says that Ameer Abdullah can't say healthy...he played in every game as a rookie and barely missed any time in college. So yes, he was hurt this year, but that doesn't mean he "can't stay healthy".
Walt, at what point are you going to realize that Jerry is no longer calling the shots, and idiotic "splash" type 1st rd picks aren't a thing anymore? Jabrill is a below average defensive player, who does not fit Marinelli's scheme at all. Time to scrap this mock and start over. With who you have on the board at 28, John Ross, Takkarist McKinley, or even Teez Tobr would be a better pick to mock there.