The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Sept. 12, 2020
It's like clockwork. The Bills often find a way to disgruntle starting quarterback Tyrod Taylor, and then, miraculously, the two parties reunite, almost as if they are a feuding couple determined to stick together for the children.
The drama began when it was rumored the Bills were going to select a quarterback in the 2016 NFL Draft after Taylor had a fine first season for them. They didn't, but the speculation bothered Taylor.
Nevertheless, Taylor persevered and had a strong 2016 campaign, only to be benched during the final week of the season because Buffalo didn't want to pay him in the event of an injury. It seemed as though Taylor would leave the Bills, but he was re-signed to an extension instead.
Who then could forget the incident of 2018? Taylor, still the starter heading into Week 11, discovered that his home had been vandalized, and his precious comic book collection had been stolen. It was later revealed that owner Terry Pegula was the one behind the crime.
"I had a super-duper double secret meeting with members of the organization, and we determined that Taylor was reading too many comic books during his time off, so we decided to steal them from him so he could put more work into film study," Pegula said in a statement.
Hours later, the Bills gave Taylor a 3-year, $125 million extension.
We had hoped that this would conclude the drama the Bills had with Taylor, but those were unrealistic expectations. To their credit, the Bills hadn't meddled in a record two years, but that changed last night when Taylor had to be taken to the hospital.
"Someone snuck into my house and stole all my private parts!" Taylor cried from his hospital room.
Taylor informed us that he was sleeping when he heard a rustling. He thought it was a dream, but when he awakened, his sheets were bloodied, and he found that he no longer had his man parts. We reached out to the Bills for a comment, and Pegula instantly admitted the wrongdoing.
"I had a super-duper triple secret meeting with members of my organization, and we determined that Taylor had the potential to sire some children, and if he did that, he wouldn't be able to concentrate on football as much, so we were just doing what was best for him and our organization," Pegula said in a statement.
We then pressed Pegula for more questions, given that his actions were more heinous than ever. Pegula, however, only offered details of his meeting, even though it was "triple secret."
"It was a great meeting; best one ever," Pegula beamed. "We had pepperoni pizza as usual, and balloons, of course, but this time we had both a pinata and a clown. We had a pinata before, and we had a clown before, but never both at the same time!"
Is the relationship between Taylor and the Bills finally over? One would think there would be no coming back from this, but according to our sources, Buffalo is drafting a 3-year, $190 million contract for Taylor.
"I don't think I'm ever leaving this team," Taylor said, sounding disgruntled. "They keep f***ing with me by taking my comics and my balls, but it's not like I can turn down that kind of money."
Hopefully Taylor uses this new cash to purchase a better security system for his home.
EMMITT SEEKS OUT ELI MANNING IN MISTISSIPPI
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Unknown, Month?, XYZV
It was difficult to keep track of time in the evil dimension, so real Emmitt wasn't quite aware of how long it took him and his two friends, the striped leopard and the single ranger, to reach
Mistissippi. Then again, Emmitt missed the "time and money" math class in second grade because of an illness, so he always had issues with both facets. Until 11th grade, Emmitt couldn't tell the difference between a quarter and a $50 bill, which made for some awkward moments in convenience stores.
"It feel like it take three year, or three second to reach this Mistissippi place," real Emmitt said to his companions.
"Emmitt, I'm not sure myself," the striped leopard said. "But we're definitely here. The mist is overwhelming. Single ranger, you're up!"
"Right," the single ranger confirmed. He reached into his bag and pulled out a baseball bat.
"That's going to get rid of this mist?" the striped leopard asked, skeptically.
"A swing and a mist..." real Emmitt muttered.
"Yes, exactly!" the single ranger squeaked, excited that they had finally understood.
The single ranger swung a baseball bat once.
"A swing and a mist, strike one!" he shouted.
"A swing and a mist, strike two!"
Once more. And thus, Mistissippi was shrouded in mist no more.
"Wow, I can't believe it!" the striped leopard exclaimed, seemingly having a new-found admiration for the single ranger. "Now, where do you suppose we find Eli Manning?"
"I have a good idea," the single ranger said. "Follow me."
The single ranger led real Emmitt and the striped leopard through the town square and toward a football field. A man wearing a white visor looked onward as some attractive women practiced football plays.
"All right, ladies, now that we can actually see what's going on, we might have a good practice for once!" the man yelled.
"Mr. Hugh Freeze, I presume?" the single ranger asked, approaching the man.
"That would be me," Freeze replied. "Who might- ah, the single ranger, I've heard tales of your bravery. What can I do for you?"
"Listen, Coach Freeze, I won't say anything to the media, but I'm well aware of your connections to the escort service," the single ranger whispered. "We need the location of someone in this particular escort service for our important mission."
"I have no ties to an escort service!" Freeze protested.
"Yes, you do," said a man in the distance. He was an older individual who was attempting to cover up his baldness with a weak comb-over.
"Not now, Houston!" Freeze yelped.
"No, now, Hugh!" the man replied. "Hi, y'all, I'm Houston Nutt, and I'm here to say that Mr. Freeze here has all the connections known to man to every escort service in North America. Also, Mr. Freeze cheated on his taxes in 2012 and 2013. Have a great day!"
"So, Hugh, about the escort service," the single ranger pressed.
"Fine, fine, just don't tell anyone," Freeze pleaded. "These women here love when I call the escort service so they can have sex with former NFL players. I wouldn't want to lose my recruiting advantage if this gets out."
"You have my word," the single ranger promised. "We need the location of Eli Manning."
"Eli?" Freeze squeaked, suddenly sounding afraid. "Why, Eli is the madam of the escort service. No one crosses him and gets away with it. Why do you want to get in touch with him?"
"Because he has something we need," the single ranger explained. "He was given the rice of passage, and we need to take it from him."