Emmitt on the Brink - Season 2: Week 17
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
EMMITT AND MERCURY TRADE INSULTS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Dec. 28, 2014
The last time Emmitt was on ESPN was in the fall of 2008, when he did a good job of "debacling" the English language.
Emmitt made the return to his old network Wednesday as the head coach of the New England Patriots. He still debacled the English language pretty thoroughly, reminding us all that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Former Dolphins running back Mercury Morris had been calling out the Patriots' magical undefeated run the past few weeks, so ESPN decided to match Morris and Emmitt in a head-to-head battle on Sportscenter, where the two argued the legitimacy of the Patriots' undefeated run. If you missed it, here's the dialogue:
Stuart Scott: Don't hate the playa, hate the game. The Patriots are 15-0 and are as cool as the other side of the pillow. We're here with Emmitt bein' off the charts with his undefeated season, and also Mercury Morris gettin' his freak on. Hey Emmitt, show a brotha some love!
Emmitt: No thank you Stuart Smith. I want to know why Mercury Morgan think the team from the good city of New England do not has a chance in the Super Bowls, and why he think we are frauds for havin' 15 win and zero losseds.
Mercury: Gee willikers, in the end, it's the zero at the end of your record that will connote an undefeated season. It can't be done again. The only way it can be done again, is if we do it again. And we ain't doin it!
Emmitt: Why do you not have a chance to go undefeated again? I understand that have a long in your tooth and some people would argument that you have no explosioness left in your leg, and everyone know that good runnin' back have a lot of power, will and expolsioness.
Mercury: Emmitt, you gotta get your own mountain. Because we already own this one.
Stuart Scott: Booyah!
Emmitt: I am not sure what mountain you have ownership, but the facts remain that the New Zealand Patriot own a stadium. And by my estimation, a stadium have more value than not only mountain. A stadium have more value than seven mountain combined. I bet you cannot even selled your mountain on the Web site e... uhh... e... I forget.
Mercury: I'm not talking about mountains, Emmitt. I'm talking about undefeated. You ain't even in our neighborhood. You're on the turnpike. I've been trying to tell you busters you can't play in our town.
Emmitt: I am confuse. Very confuse. Why do you say you have a mountain one time and then the next time you want to avoidment the conversation about mountain? I am beginnin' to realize that you do not even has a mountain. I bet you do not even own a doggone hill. For others watching this thing who've worked out on hills, this is a opportunity to build strength within.
Mercury: Now, you're ignoring the topic, Emmitt. In order for undefeated to happen again, we would have to do it. The No. 2 spot is the only one they can get. The No. 1 spot has already been taken.
Emmitt: Throughout the courses of history, everybody have a spot. But then somebody else come along and taked that other spot. You may have the No. 1 spot now, but if we winned a few more game, we will then have stoled the No. 1 spot away from you and we will have ownership. And then you will have ownershipped of a No. 2 spot until someone come along and take the No. 2 spot and then you will have ownershipped of the spot after No. 2.
Stuart Scott: Emmitt and Mercury off the chains up in the house!
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Sunday, Dec. 31, 2014
For the second time in eight years, the Patriots have finished with an unblemished regular season, squeaking by the Dolphins, 24-21.
"We may not have lossed any game this season, but that do not mean we will not lossed any game in the doggone playoff," Emmitt said. "It is importance that we keep our calm, focus and calm through the bye week and then when we play our first opponents in the first rounds of the playoff. When you undefeated, which means you have all win and no lossed, everyone play against you like it is their Pro Bowl."
New England was definitely not expecting a tough battle from Miami. The Dolphins were 5-10 heading into the contest and were four weeks removed from firing head coach Dick Jauron. Interim head coach Mark Mangino had Miami playing well, earning a 3-0 record in his brief tenure.
The Dolphins jumped out to a 21-0 lead at halftime. The Patriots couldn't put any offensive drives together because they had just four healthy offensive linemen. The other three were missing.
"We look and look, and we just cannot found them!" Emmitt exclaimed.
New England had to regroup at halftime. While the players and coaches tried calling the families of the missing offensive linemen, JaMarcus Russell, the team's water boy, ventured into the Dolphins locker room and demanded to see Mangino. Thinking Russell was no threat - he was happily munching on some Skittles at the time - the players pointed to Mangino's office where the monstrous head coach was sleeping.
Upon hearing the noise emanating from Mangino's stomach, Russell put down his Skittles pouch and grabbed a nearby sword. He carefully sliced through Mangino, and out popped the three missing linemen.
"Thank God," Sebastian Vollmer sighed afterward. "Coach Mangino dressed up like my grandmother, so that's how he lured me into his stomach."
"ME SO HAPPY ME OUT OF MANGINO STOMACH," cried right guard Andre Smith. "COACH MANGINO SAY HE HAVE LOTS OF DORITOS FOR ME TO EAT NOM NOM NOM NOM."
Russell grabbed a pile of rocks and carefully placed them in the sleeping coach's stomach. After stiching Mangino's belly together, Russell and the three linemen then walked out on to the field to the applause of the Foxboro faithful. A confused Mangino watched New England - with its offensive line fully intact - orchestrate a furious comeback, culminating with a 40-yard Stephen Gostkowski field goal as time expired.
"Uhh... I tink I smell Andre Smith Dorito crumb..." Russell said. "So I follow to Dolphin locker room... uhh... then I help save big guys... do you tink so?"
Apparently, Emmitt definitely thinks so.
"JaMarcus Anderson have save my behind on two occasion now," Emmitt said. "The first time from Todd Haley set me up the bomb, and the second time to save the 15-0 season from becoming nonundefeated. JaMarcus Anderson is a national hero of the nation that the country of United States of North American can be proud of."
Now, if only Emmitt could get Russell's name right.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
NFL Free Agents - April 17
2015 NFL Mock Draft - April 17
2014 NFL Mock Draft - April 16
Fantasy Football Rankings - March 28
2014 NBA Mock Draft - March 26
NFL Picks - Feb. 2
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