The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
JETS COACH NOT FOCUSED ON REMATCH
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Nov. 20, 2014
The last time the Jets and Patriots battled, the latter came away with a victory because of a technicality. Disappointed that no one came to his slumber party, Eric Mangini refused to name a starting quarterback, and was consequently whistled for 363 delay-of-game infractions. Roger Goodell awarded New England its first win of the season.
Now, 12 weeks later, the winless Jets have a chance to avenge their loss to the Patriots. Unfortunately for their fans, Mangini admitted that he hasn't spent any time game planning for Sunday's matchup.
"Guys, seriously, how am I supposed to come up with a great strategy to beat the Patriots when I have my birthday party coming up?" Mangini asked the media with an annoyed tone in his voice. "My cool birthday parties take a lot of planning and preparation. I'm already exhausted."
Last year, Mangini's birthday bash was ruined when Pacman Jones crashed the party and "made it rain" with Super Fun Time tokens. When one of the tokens hit Mangini in the eye, he started crying and forced everyone to leave. Mangini promised that this year would be different.
"You don't have to worry about Pacman," Mangini ensured everyone. "I asked my dad to guard the door, and even if Pacman gets through, we're going to be using tickets instead of tokens this time. My mom called and asked them to make it that way."
Mangini's guest lists will feature prominent NFL stars like Randy Moss, Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald.
"Yeah, all the cool guys like Randy, Calvin and Larry will be there," Mangini confirmed. "My party was originally scheduled for next Saturday, but everyone for some reason said they couldn't come and told me that it was too bad that I couldn't have the party this Saturday. So, I asked my mom and she changed the date to this Saturday, so now everyone can come!
"Unfortunately, I originally told Shannon Sharpe that it was this Saturday," Mangini continued. "So now he'll have to be there. Ugh, I hope he doesn't sit next to me again."
Mangini noted that he was most concerned about whether Erin Andrews would make an appearance or not.
"I want Erin to be my girlfriend, so I hope she can come," Mangini beamed. "I sent her about 250 IMs on AIM, maybe more, the other day. She didn't answer me, but she eventually signed off. She was still online according to my other screen name though, so her AIM must have been broken. Her away message said, �Stop IMing me, you creep!' Whoever that creep was, he must have ruined her AIM."
One person who won't be attending the extravaganza is Emmitt, who noted that he had a football game to prepare for the following day.
"It would be very irresponsibility of me to attend the party, very, very irresponsibilitibly," Emmitt said. "My team is undefeated, which mean that we have not lossed any games, not even one. I would like to keep it that way. As the wise man say, �the more things change, the more they are different.'"
We'd tell Mangini that having a birthday party before a big divisional matchup is pretty irresponsible, but he'd probably disinvite us from the bash.
Come to think of it, that's a pretty good idea.
JETS COACH ABSENT DURING FRUSTRATING LOSS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, Nov. 23, 2014
Another year, another disastrous birthday party for Eric Mangini. Maybe he'll eventually stop planning them. One can only hope.
It began poorly when Mangini wasn't invited to sit at what he called the "cool guys table." Mangini approached Calvin Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, Randy Moss and Johnny Lawrence, and asked to sit down, but they told him that there wasn't any room for him. Mangini slumped away, not even asking who was sitting at the four empty seats.
Mangini sat down by himself, but was quickly joined by Shannon Sharpe.
"Ugh, why do you always have to ruin everything for me, Shannon?" Mangini replied.
Mangini's frown turned upside down when Erin Andrews walked into Super Fun Time.
"She's here!" Mangini beamed. "She's finally going to be my girlfriend!"
However, Erin was accompanied by a rather large man. She pointed to Mangini, and the man approached the Jets head coach.
"Are you Eric Mangini?" the large man asked.
"Ye� yes, I am," Mangini said.
"You've been served," the large man barked, handing a slip of paper to Mangini. "This is a restraining order. You're not allowed to come within a 1,000-yard radius of Miss Andrews. You are also not permitted to send her any messages on AIM, Facebook or Gmail chat."
Mangini laughed nervously.
"Uhh� did I say I'm Eric Mangini? Sorry, I made a mistake. It's this guy," Mangini pointed to Sharpe.
The large man didn't hear Mangini. Unfortunately, things went from bad to worse when Philip Rivers strolled in.
"Ha-ha, look, it's Mangineous!" Rivers sneered. "Hey, Mangineous, nice party! Is there gonna be a clown too? Where are the puppets? Can someone say, �dork!?'"
Rivers gave Mangini a wedgie and walked toward Erin.
"Hey babe, let's get out of here and go to a real party with alcohol," Rivers coolly said.
A giddy Erin agreed and the two walked out.
"No, don't go with him, Erin!" Mangini yelled, bolting after the love of his life. Unfortunately, the large man who accompanied Erin saw this, grabbed Mangini, and knocked him out with a right hook. Mangini woke up a few hours later and cried until his mom made him macaroni and cheese.
As for the game, Mangini never showed up, which made offensive coordinator Shannon Sharpe the interim head coach. After an impressive opening drive by the Patriots - Anthony Morelli was not drunk because there was no alcohol at Mangini's party - the Jets took over at their own 20.
"Coach, I don't understand what you're saying! What color is this play? I need Mangini to translate!" Sanchez yelled back.
"JG wekjge h4 g eklwe 8f3 pg 0ef0 h g;w; eiee," Sharpe replied.
The Jets had to take a delay-of-game penalty. And then another. And another. Once they reached 350 of these infractions, they had to forfeit per the new NFL rules. In two matchups with the Patriots, New York has a total of 713 delay-of-game penalties.
"The New York Jet are not very good football team, otherwise they would not be scared into having the delay in the games," Emmitt boasted. "I do not blame them for being li-bit scared. Our team is very undefeated. In fact, we are so undefeated that we are downright terrify. And as the saying go, if one team is extremely undefeated, and the other team do not win any game all year, that team usually get debacled in the rear end."