Emmitt on the Brink - Season 2: Week 12
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
JETS COACH NOT FOCUSED ON REMATCH
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Nov. 20, 2014
The last time the Jets and Patriots battled, the latter came away with a victory because of a technicality. Disappointed that no one came to his slumber party, Eric Mangini refused to name a starting quarterback, and was consequently whistled for 363 delay-of-game infractions. Roger Goodell awarded New England its first win of the season.
Now, 12 weeks later, the winless Jets have a chance to avenge their loss to the Patriots. Unfortunately for their fans, Mangini admitted that he hasn't spent any time game planning for Sunday's matchup.
"Guys, seriously, how am I supposed to come up with a great strategy to beat the Patriots when I have my birthday party coming up?" Mangini asked the media with an annoyed tone in his voice. "My cool birthday parties take a lot of planning and preparation. I'm already exhausted."
Last year, Mangini's birthday bash was ruined when Pacman Jones crashed the party and "made it rain" with Super Fun Time tokens. When one of the tokens hit Mangini in the eye, he started crying and forced everyone to leave. Mangini promised that this year would be different.
"You don't have to worry about Pacman," Mangini ensured everyone. "I asked my dad to guard the door, and even if Pacman gets through, we're going to be using tickets instead of tokens this time. My mom called and asked them to make it that way."
Mangini's guest lists will feature prominent NFL stars like Randy Moss, Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald.
"Yeah, all the cool guys like Randy, Calvin and Larry will be there," Mangini confirmed. "My party was originally scheduled for next Saturday, but everyone for some reason said they couldn't come and told me that it was too bad that I couldn't have the party this Saturday. So, I asked my mom and she changed the date to this Saturday, so now everyone can come!
"Unfortunately, I originally told Shannon Sharpe that it was this Saturday," Mangini continued. "So now he'll have to be there. Ugh, I hope he doesn't sit next to me again."
Mangini noted that he was most concerned about whether Erin Andrews would make an appearance or not.
"I want Erin to be my girlfriend, so I hope she can come," Mangini beamed. "I sent her about 250 IMs on AIM, maybe more, the other day. She didn't answer me, but she eventually signed off. She was still online according to my other screen name though, so her AIM must have been broken. Her away message said, ‘Stop IMing me, you creep!' Whoever that creep was, he must have ruined her AIM."
One person who won't be attending the extravaganza is Emmitt, who noted that he had a football game to prepare for the following day.
"It would be very irresponsibility of me to attend the party, very, very irresponsibilitibly," Emmitt said. "My team is undefeated, which mean that we have not lossed any games, not even one. I would like to keep it that way. As the wise man say, ‘the more things change, the more they are different.'"
We'd tell Mangini that having a birthday party before a big divisional matchup is pretty irresponsible, but he'd probably disinvite us from the bash.
Come to think of it, that's a pretty good idea.
JETS COACH ABSENT DURING FRUSTRATING LOSS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Sunday, Nov. 23, 2014
Another year, another disastrous birthday party for Eric Mangini. Maybe he'll eventually stop planning them. One can only hope.
It began poorly when Mangini wasn't invited to sit at what he called the "cool guys table." Mangini approached Calvin Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, Randy Moss and Johnny Lawrence, and asked to sit down, but they told him that there wasn't any room for him. Mangini slumped away, not even asking who was sitting at the four empty seats.
Mangini sat down by himself, but was quickly joined by Shannon Sharpe.
"GFoi loghhrog q ew89gf gh ogwhrgp ewqufggwe o rghre," Sharpe said.
"Ugh, why do you always have to ruin everything for me, Shannon?" Mangini replied.
Mangini's frown turned upside down when Erin Andrews walked into Super Fun Time.
"She's here!" Mangini beamed. "She's finally going to be my girlfriend!"
However, Erin was accompanied by a rather large man. She pointed to Mangini, and the man approached the Jets head coach.
"Are you Eric Mangini?" the large man asked.
"Ye… yes, I am," Mangini said.
"You've been served," the large man barked, handing a slip of paper to Mangini. "This is a restraining order. You're not allowed to come within a 1,000-yard radius of Miss Andrews. You are also not permitted to send her any messages on AIM, Facebook or Gmail chat."
Mangini laughed nervously.
"Uhh… did I say I'm Eric Mangini? Sorry, I made a mistake. It's this guy," Mangini pointed to Sharpe.
"IJG qhfu ef8uhg awpjaw9 2 Gvhniwgf wdg2 gjeigw," Sharpe said.
"Ugh! Shut up Shannon!" Mangini yelled.
The large man didn't hear Mangini. Unfortunately, things went from bad to worse when Philip Rivers strolled in.
"Ha-ha, look, it's Mangineous!" Rivers sneered. "Hey, Mangineous, nice party! Is there gonna be a clown too? Where are the puppets? Can someone say, ‘dork!?'"
Rivers gave Mangini a wedgie and walked toward Erin.
"Hey babe, let's get out of here and go to a real party with alcohol," Rivers coolly said.
A giddy Erin agreed and the two walked out.
"No, don't go with him, Erin!" Mangini yelled, bolting after the love of his life. Unfortunately, the large man who accompanied Erin saw this, grabbed Mangini, and knocked him out with a right hook. Mangini woke up a few hours later and cried until his mom made him macaroni and cheese.
As for the game, Mangini never showed up, which made offensive coordinator Shannon Sharpe the interim head coach. After an impressive opening drive by the Patriots - Anthony Morelli was not drunk because there was no alcohol at Mangini's party - the Jets took over at their own 20.
"Gohi hq03 ghj4 wgdwdo hrtbk asfu3r389 ewfgeo," Sharpe told Mark Sanchez.
"Coach, I don't understand what you're saying! What color is this play? I need Mangini to translate!" Sanchez yelled back.
"JG wekjge h4 g eklwe 8f3 pg 0ef0 h g;w; eiee," Sharpe replied.
The Jets had to take a delay-of-game penalty. And then another. And another. Once they reached 350 of these infractions, they had to forfeit per the new NFL rules. In two matchups with the Patriots, New York has a total of 713 delay-of-game penalties.
"The New York Jet are not very good football team, otherwise they would not be scared into having the delay in the games," Emmitt boasted. "I do not blame them for being li-bit scared. Our team is very undefeated. In fact, we are so undefeated that we are downright terrify. And as the saying go, if one team is extremely undefeated, and the other team do not win any game all year, that team usually get debacled in the rear end."
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Fantasy Football Rankings - Aug. 27
2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24
2015 NFL Mock Draft - July 23
2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1
NFL Free Agents
NFL Picks - Feb. 2
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