The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, July 21, 2019
Everyone in Emmitt's crew happened to be in good spirits upon exiting Michael Sam's reality TV studio. They had finally obtained the literal key to shutting down North Korea's nuclear facility; Kim Jong-un was going to his nukes on America in retaliation for "victimizing" Tom Brady during Deflategate. Even the usually glum Eric Mangini had a hop in his step.
"I can't wait to show my girlfriend Erin Andrews that I got the key to such an important place," he announced, then muttering under his breath, "And then I'll sell it and buy her the most-expensive diamond ring ever."
The ninja overheard this and grabbed Mangini by the arm.
"If you sell this key to the highest bidder, Kim Jong-un will just buy it back, you idiot," he spat. "If you even think about doing this, I'll snap your fat little body in half."
Mangini grumbled, but still seemed jovial. The team walked toward their van, but four women blocked their path. They all looked radically different. One had red hair that looked like it was on fire and was wearing goggles on her head. Another was well-endowed with violet eyes and jet-black hair. The third was a brunette with odd pointy ears and tattoos on both her arms and face. The fourth was a blonde who was wearing a suit of armor and a white cape.
"Sorry ladies, sorry," Mangini said. "I can't go out or have a sexual relationship with you because I have a girlfriend and she's Erin Andrews, I swear."
Three of the women didn't respond, though the one with the black hair chuckled. They spread out, encircling the group.
"I don't think they're here to ask us out on dates, Eric," Dianna Marie Russini said.
"Yeah, Shannon's right, these girls mean trouble," the ninja agreed.
"Trouble!?" Ray Rice shrieked. "No woman wants to have trouble with me - not with my fists of fury!"
Rice clenched his fists, but it was too late. All four women simultaneously brandished what appeared to be stun guns and shot the entire party. One by one, Emmitt and his crew collapsed. The last thing Emmitt heard was the black-haired woman chuckling once more.
When they finally came to, they found themselves in a small, square room with white walls and two brown doors, both of which were bolted shut. A small TV was the only other thing in this room, and it suddenly turned on. A man with a menacing scowl stared back at them. Emmitt recognized him instantly.
"Greg Hardball!" he exclaimed. "I thought you and Han Solo would have debacled yourselves when you fight with each other back in the country of North Carolina."
"The name's Greg Hardy; not Greg Hardball," the man sneered. "And I was able to vanquish Hope Solo, and thanks to my four friends - or rather, Tom Brady's wife's friends - we have captured you. Now, prepare for your death as my revenge is complete!"
Hardy laughed menacingly for a few seconds, and then the TV shut off. That was followed by the sound of gears turning. Suddenly, the walls shook.
"The walls, he gonna eat us!" Emmitt cried.
"No, Emmitt, look up!" Rice shouted. "The ceiling is coming down on us! It's going to crush us to death!"
GREG HARDY CONFRONTED
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, July 21, 2019
The ceiling was collapsing quickly, and there was nothing they could do. They were completely trapped. They tried opening the two brown doors, but they were both locked.
"Anyone have any ideas!?" the ninja shouted, but no one could offer a quick solution.
"Shut up, Shannon, this is no time for your memoires," Eric Mangini said. "I only hope that Erin Andrews never finds another boyfriend, or maybe I'll ask God to strike him down with a lightning bolt or something."
"So, this is how I'm gonna get debacled," Emmitt sighed.
Suddenly, there was pounding on the other side of one of the doors.
"Emmitt, is that you, Emmitt?" a man yelled.
"Do you think that guy talking to me?" Emmitt asked everyone.
"Do you see any other Emmitts in here!?" Ray Rice spat back.
"Uhh... hmm... are this a trick questions, because those trick question always trick me when I take a test at the University of the State of Florida," Emmitt replied.
"Just answer him!" everyone cried back.
Emmitt turned toward the door. "Yeah, this is me Emmitt, and we stuck outside this room. I mean inside."
"Stand away from the door, Emmitt!" the man screamed back. "I'm going to kick this door down!"
Everyone did as he commanded, and sure enough, the door collapsed. They all sprinted out of the room mere seconds before the ceiling finally reached the floor.
"Thank you," the ninja bowed. "I don't know who you are, but you just saved our lives."
"Yeah, seriously, thanks," Dianna Marie Russini agreed. "I don't know why we didn't think of kicking the door down, but that was a great idea on your part."
Everyone took their turns thanking the bearded man, even Mangini, though he did so begrudgingly. He muttered something about now having to invite this individual to his wedding with Erin Andrews.
"This is the guy who give me the picklock," Emmitt explained once everyone stopped showing their appreciation. "But how did you know to save ourselfs here?"
"That was mere coincidence," the man said. "I'm Barry, by the way. Barry Sanders. I was exploring this mansion; my military organization stranded me here, and I've been looking for a way out. I finally found one, but couldn't access it, so I was roaming the hallways when I heard Emmitt's familiar voice from the other side of this door. Fortunately, Emmitt, you can repay the favor."
"How?" Emmitt asked. "I do not have any money on myselves and my credits cars back in the hotel we sleeping at."
"Not literally, Emmitt," Sanders said. "You can help me get out of here. There's a door with an armor emblem on it that I can't access. It leads to the backyard. We can leave that way. You, Emmitt, are the master of unlocking, so you can help us escape."
Sanders led the crew to this door, and sure enough, Emmitt was able to unlock it within seconds. Sanders beamed at him.
"I knew giving you that lock pick was a smart move," he said.
They all exited through the back door and found themselves near the pool. They halted, as they espied Greg Hardy and the four women who kidnapped them. Hardy noticed them as well.
"Well, well, well, look who escaped my death trap," he sneered. "I know you all have met Tom Brady's wife's friends, Chandra, Liliana, Nissa and Elspeth. Everyone criticized me when I said I wished Brady's wife's friends were coming to the game. Everyone thought I wanted to kill them or have sex with them. I wanted them there because they are my team of assassins. Ladies, kill them all!"
The four women charged at Emmitt and his friends, but Sanders was too quick. He flipped out his gun and shot all four women. None of them were fatally injured, but they all vanished into thin air, as if they walked to a different plane of some sort. Hardy was enraged.
"How dare you!?" he screeched. "Do you know how difficult it was for me to find women I didn't want to hit or threaten with guns!? That's why I wanted to stop you, Emmitt, because you've teamed up with that... that thing!"
Hardy pointed toward Russini, who appeared quite surprised that he singled her out. Sanders and the ninja approached Hardy, but Russini stopped them.
"No, this is my battle!" she shouted, sprinting toward Hardy. The former NFL defensive end was so taken aback by this that he froze. This gave Russini to cock her fist and launch it toward Hardy's face. The blow was so crushing that it knocked Hardy back into the pool.
"Ahhh, that hurt, waaahhhh!" Hardy cried.
Russini wasn't through. She leapt into the pool and continued to pound him with blows. The pool water quickly turned crimson with Hardy's blood. Hardy eventually sunk to the bottom of the pool, where he remained there, clearly deceased.
Russini hopped out of the pool. Everyone else was too shocked to say anything.
"OK boys," she said, breaking the silence. "I think we have a North Korean nuclear facility to raid."