The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
EAGLES SIGN TWO; PREPARE TO TAKE ON PATRIOTS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Sept. 18, 2014
Forget about having all hands on deck for the New England game; the Eagles apparently thought they needed extra hands to take down the 2-0 Patriots.
On Wednesday, the Eagles made two controversial signings that had half the fan base in an uproar. One is an old face.
"Umm... uhh... we had to... uhh... bring Michael Vick back, hem hem..." said Andy Reid, who is back from a 2-year hiatus in which he coached the 49ers. "Michael, umm... deserves a third chance... uhh... umm... and we would like to give it to him, hem hem. Time's yours."
Vick was arrested a year ago for illegal cat fighting. He had quarterbacked the Falcons after Matt Ryan's mysterious disappearance, but was sent to jail for a year. Vick admitted to performing Chinese water torture on some the kittens. Other kittens perished when Vick deprived them of sleep. According to court documents, Vick would spend days making sure some of his kittens didn't fall asleep.
"I learned my lesson and I swear I will never do it again," Vick said this week, reading from a napkin. "I know what I did wrong, and I would like to... umm... I can't read this... hold on... oh yeah, I would like to reach out to animal rights organizations to stop others from torturing cats."
Though Vick is no longer engaged in cat fighting, he told the media he is now involved in mouse fighting, which is legal in Pennsylvania.
"Mouses are fierce animals," Vick said. "But don't worry, PETA. I put little boxing gloves on their hands so they don't really hurt each other. And no matter who wins or loses, I take both fighters out for a fancy meal at Red Lobster. There are no losers in Michael Vick's Good Newz Mouse Holez."
Philadelphia's second acquisition should have stirred up more of a controversy. Needing to replace Shawn Andrews, who was placed on IR for the seventh consecutive season, Andy Reid reached out to John Wayne Gacy, a former serial killer who murdered 33 people.
"Uhh... umm... John Wayne deserves a second chance, hem hem," Reid said of Gacy, who was believed to be executed. "We didn't work John Wayne out, but... uhh... umm... we believe... uhh... he can make a positive contribution for us with... umm... Shawn out... John, time's yours."
All eyes and cameras turned to Gacy, who was sitting next to Reid at the podium.
"Tee hee hee, I am so glad for a second chance," said Gacy, whose eyes were twitching. "I am so remorseful for my actions. I will never do them again tee hee hee!"
Gacy then leered at a little boy in the room. His hands began to shake and drool poured out of his mouth.
"You see?" interjected owner Jeffrey Lurie, who smiled at his new acquisition. "Everyone deserves a second chance. We believe John Wayne is a decent human being who made a mistake in the past. He's going to be a great addition to our team. More importantly, the money that he's going to bring in will help me build a 15th pool in my castle."
Though a few fans were outraged by the Gacy signing, most Philadelphias were thrilled by the acquisition.
"Wooooo!!! John Wayne is awesome!" yelled one crazed fan wearing jorts.
"Everyone deserves a second chance. Why not John Wayne?" asked an Eagles homer.
"John Wayne made a stupid mistake in his past. He'll never do it again. And it's not like he killed hundreds of people; it was only 33," remarked an artsy-fartsy college student.
Emmitt, meanwhile, was astonished that the Eagles would go to such great lengths to vanquish his team.
"I am very perpl... uhh... perplexative," Emmitt said. "Why would anyone on their right minds sign a serious killer? John Wayne Gordon did not just kill one people. He did not just kill two people. He kill many many people. He killed so many people that he was label a serious killer. Andy Reid needs to be ashamed of himselves for doing them."
For once, Emmitt actually made a lot of sense.
VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Sept. 22, 2014
There are 53 players on an NFL roster. Forty-five of them are active each game. The Eagles, however, were missing about a dozen of their players before kickoff. Among those absent were Jeremy Maclin, Trent Cole, Asante Samuel and Brian Dawkins. Their cell phones were called and their families were questioned, but no one could reach them.
"Tee hee hee, quite mysterious indeed!" said John Wayne Gacy, who had a nervous twitch in both eyes. "I wonder where they could be, tee hee hee! I just hope no one searches my basement where I have them all tied up, tee hee hee!"
As the Eagles warmed up, defensive coordinator Sean McDermott scrambled to find two new players to start in the secondary for the missing Samuel and Dawkins. Andy Reid was more concerned that the cheese steak he ordered hadn't arrived yet.
Meanwhile, as Gacy was stretching on the field, he noticed a little boy in the stands. He licked the drool that dripped out of his mouth. He winked at the boy. The boy waved back. Noticing all of this, Michael Vick wondered if the kid had any pet mice that he could use for his new mouse-fighting conglomerate.
The Eagles kicked off and the Patriots returned the ball to the 25. A drunken Anthony Morelli fumbled the snap in the shotgun and took an 8-yard sack. On second down, Morelli actually caught the ball, scanned the field, turned around and fired it into his own end zone. The Eagles were rewarded a safety.
"I don't know what happen!" Morelli was heard shouting after the throw. "Eh yo, everything spinning! Hic! I don't know which way to throw ball!"
The Patriots kicked off to the Eagles, who took it back to the 35. Gacy took the field at right tackle. After a run of 5 yards, Gacy ran toward the boy he saw earlier.
"Tee hee hee, come to me, my pretty!" Gacy excitedly shouted.
Fortunately, Vick saw what was about to transpire, and reacted quickly. Vick, who luckily was much faster than Gacy, had the time to run to the injury cart. Vick grabbed a pair of jumper cables and rushed over to Gacy, who was now a few yards away from the boy. Vick tackled Gacy, took the cables and attached them to Gacy's privates.
The electricity surged through Gacy's body, but the voltage didn't kill him. So, Vick dragged Gacy by the legs, took him to the locker room and shoved his head into the hot tub.
"I'm taking bets on how long he'll last!" Vick shouted. "Who wants some action? Come on, I'll give you good odds!"
Eventually, Gacy stopped moving. Vick took a bow and addressed the shocked onlookers.
"For years, I've been clamoring for a starting job in the NFL, but no one has given it to me," Vick said. "Now, you all see how great I am. So, if I'm not a starting quarterback in the NFL next week, I will order my army of mouses to attack every coach in this league."
To his surprise, Vick was booed by most of the Eagles fans who watched him drown a serial killer.
"Why did you do that!? He was going to help us win!" yelled one crazed fan wearing jorts.
"You took his second chance away! You're a monster!" shouted an Eagles homer.
"You don't know if he would have hurt that boy! I thought he was going to give the boy a game ball," remarked an artsy-fartsy college student.
Andy Reid, meanwhile, was content with the proceedings.
"They uhh... umm... did a good job... uhh... delivering the cheese steak on time, hem hem," Reid said.
Roger Goodell phoned in and didn't allow the game to continue. He punished the Eagles with a loss, citing that he was disgusted that the classless organization continued to give unwarranted second chances to miserable scumbags. He said he finally learned that he made a mistake by letting Vick back into the league five years ago.
As you can imagine, Emmitt was thrilled with the victory.
"I am very please with this victorious," Emmitt said. "Sometime you win ball games with grit, determination and very strong, and sometime you win games when the NFL commissioner Roger Good... uhh... Goldman call in the telephone and give you the victorious. As the wise man often say, �It is better to be lucky than... uhh... not lucky.'"
Remarkably, the Patriots are 3-0 despite the fact that they've run just four plays on offense: an incompletion with a defensive pass interference penalty; a quarterback sneak for a touchdown; a sack; and a safety.
Unfortunately, their luck may run out next week against the Raiders, led by Glandor, a 14-foot, 10-inch, 1,750-pound creation by Al Davis who runs a 0.8 40 on a bad day.
Thus far, Oakland has beaten its three opponents by a combined score of 310-0, as Glandor is now playing both ways. Glandor already has 2,400 rushing yards and 28 sacks on the season, so if the Patriots thought that dealing with John Wayne Gacy would be difficult, they haven't seen anything yet.