The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Nov. 27, 2017
We've always wondered what the Bountygate II facilities looked like. Was the lair in some underground cavern? Or was it in plain sight, but camouflaged in some matter? And who exactly was running the operation? We finally learned the truth behind Bountygate II, thanks to a bug we placed on Emmitt, who was confronted by Norv Turner, one of the goons of the operation, in a bus that traveled from from Miami to Gainesville.
"We knew you would eventually find us," Turner's turkey neck said, as it was leading Emmitt through campus with a concealed gun under its coat. "I had my doubts, but our leader had the utmost faith in you. Can't say I blame him, considering his relation to you."
This caught Emmitt by surprise. "I do not understand what you means," Emmitt replied. "How the guy runnin' the Bouncygate program have relationed to me? Is he my brother or my cousin or my son, Emmitt Smith IV the Third? My best guessin' that he my brother even though I do not has one as far as I can recalled."
"You'll see in due time, Emmitt," Turner's turkey neck responded. "He's very eager to finally meet you."
Turner led Emmitt to the University of Florida locker room. He opened up Emmitt's former locker and pressed a hidden button. Suddenly, the entire back wall turned around, revealing a secret passageway. This took Emmitt by complete surprise.
"I never knowed that the wall can turn upside downs," Emmitt said aloud, his mouth agape. "If I had knowned about this, I would have hided from the team and not play some football game against bad team."
Emmitt and Turner walked down a spiral staircase until they reached a set up metallic double doors. Turner swiped a card key and the doors separated. A tall man wearing a cheap suit and sporting a gray mustache was there to greet them.
"Is this the new specimen?" the man asked, licking his lips while closely perusing Emmitt's body. "He definitely looks 100-percent USDA Man to me. He'd be perfect."
"No, Millen, he's not a new specimen, and no, you can't ride him all night long like a young stallion," Turner said dismissively, turning to Emmitt. "This is Matt Millen, our viceroy. He... well... I'm not exactly sure what he does at this facility. Let's just ignore him and move on."
Turner and Emmitt walked toward the central area of the facility. There on a dais, was a golden statue resembling former Jets' quarterback Mark Sanchez and one of his offensive linemen. Sanchez's head was slamming right into the lineman's buttocks, depicting a humorous play that occurred five Thanksgivings ago.
"Ah the butt fumble statue," Turner's turkey neck said, sighing in complete admiration. "This is where our leader received his inspiration for Bountygate II. Such a wonderful moment... but come, Emmitt, he's awaiting your arrival."
Turner led Emmitt up a set of stairs and down a carpeted corridor with strange paintings of men having random things shoved into their buttocks. There were the staples of Bountygate II - some mayonnaise, hamsters and Amazon gift cards - and there were other things, such as lamp shades, poisonous frogs and surge protectors.
"Yeah, those surge protectors were a bad idea," Turner said, shuddering a bit. "We haven't done that in a while. But he'll explain everything. He's right through these doors."
The security guard stationed in front of a pair of wooden double doors nodded at Turner, who opened the door and motioned for Emmitt to come inside. Once Emmitt stepped through, Turner closed the door behind him, remaining outside.
Emmitt didn't even have a chance to acknowledge Turner - he was too appalled by the man standing in front of him. The man was Emmitt himself - identical in every way, save for a goatee he was sporting instead of a full beard.
"Emmitt, it is a pleasure to finally meet myselves," the other Emmitt said, smiling darkly.
EMMITT REVEALS PLAN TO EMMITT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Dec. 5, 2017
Wait, there are two Emmitts? How is this possible? And why would a second Emmitt be the mastermind behind Bountygate II? The goateed Emmitt revealed everything to our Emmitt.
"You probably have a lot of questionings, and I have all the answerings," goateed Emmitt said. "A couple of week ago, or maybe a couple of year ago, you open a door to another universe. You may recall that you meeted evil version of Tim Tebone but you do not realizin' that I step into your world. Now, we finally meetin' face to space."
Evil Emmitt - I think he's earned that moniker with his Bountygate II antics - is referring to an incident about a year ago when the real Emmitt inadvertently opened the door to an alternate universe. The real Emmitt had to stop Evil Tim Tebow, who was charging $200 per circumcision. You can read about it by clicking this link.
As the real Emmitt was trying to grasp the magnitude of the situation, Viceroy Matt Millen barged into Evil Emmitt's office.
"Emmitt, I know you told me not to bother you or to ask if you want to try some kielbasa with me at night, but I have urgent news," Millen said, trying to catch his breath. "Our target... our target is on the move and heading north right toward us!"
"It is all going accordion to plans," Evil Emmitt said, maniacally tapping his fingers together. "The target goin' be here soon. All the pieces goin' into places."
Real Emmitt scratched his head in confusion. "What is the target that the fat homophobe talkin' about?" the real Emmitt asked. "Is the target you referrin' to the one that relationed to K-Walmart, Sears or Circus City?"
Evil Emmitt opened his mouth to answer, but Millen interjected.
"No, Emmitt, you hunk of a man, I'm talking about an actual target; not Target the store," Millen said. "Our target is your friend, Shannon Sharpe. We've been looking for the Chosen One. Someone whose backside can withstand countless penetrations of hamsters, mayonnaise, Amazon gift cards, and of course, my precious kielbasa collection.
"We now know that Shannon is the Chosen One," Millen continued. "We know this because I have a spy in the Chinese government. He and I go way back - we were experimenting with all sorts of kielbasas when we had sleepovers at the ripe age of 13. Man, I loved to ride that young stallion all night long. Oh boy... Wait, what was I talking about again?"
Both Emmitts grimaced, clearly disgusted by Millen's childhood sexual memories.
"Mark Milner, stop touchin' yourselves," Evil Emmitt said. "What Milner tryin' to say for himselves is that the Chinatown governor guy he knoweds say that Simon Sharpe have a really, really big backside."
The real Emmitt was perplexed by this. He stood there, silently, trying to process all of this information. He then had a key question for Evil Emmitt.
"But why do you need myselves if you discover that Shannon Shard is the Chosened One?" the real Emmitt asked.
"Because he has those damn Chinese ninjas protecting him!" Millen interrupted Evil Emmitt before he could answer. "Believe me, we've tried everything! I tried propositioning the ninjas for a fun night of kielbasa fun, but they just beat me with their nunchucks. I mean, it was kind of kinky, and I'd totally be into that if this occurred in the bedroom. Oh boy... Wait, what was I talking about again?"
"You friend with Simon Sharpes," Evil Emmitt interjected, this time dismissing Millen fondling himself. "You can get close to himselves and talkin' him into comin' here where the ninja guys cannot protectioned anymore."
"And why would I doed somethin' like that?" the real Emmitt asked.
"Because," Evil Emmitt replied, "if you do not, then we will stuff a lot of bad thing into the backside of all your former Dallas Cowboy teammates like Troy Aiken, Michael Irving and even your head coach Jimmy Jaskens. They'd have so much things in their backside they would not even be able to walk let alone run anywhere."
Upon hearing this, Millen touched himself inappropriately yet again.
so funny about Starbucks and so true. I especially like the part if kucking a snowflake when they are down. I will say this - One of the Starbucks shops in my town is open at 4:30 a.m., which is a Godsend for those infrequent really early work days.