Emmitt on the Brink - Season 5: Week 15
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Nov. 27, 2017
We've always wondered what the Bountygate II facilities looked like. Was the lair in some underground cavern? Or was it in plain sight, but camouflaged in some matter? And who exactly was running the operation? We finally learned the truth behind Bountygate II, thanks to a bug we placed on Emmitt, who was confronted by Norv Turner, one of the goons of the operation, in a bus that traveled from from Miami to Gainesville.
"We knew you would eventually find us," Turner's turkey neck said, as it was leading Emmitt through campus with a concealed gun under its coat. "I had my doubts, but our leader had the utmost faith in you. Can't say I blame him, considering his relation to you."
This caught Emmitt by surprise. "I do not understand what you means," Emmitt replied. "How the guy runnin' the Bouncygate program have relationed to me? Is he my brother or my cousin or my son, Emmitt Smith IV the Third? My best guessin' that he my brother even though I do not has one as far as I can recalled."
"You'll see in due time, Emmitt," Turner's turkey neck responded. "He's very eager to finally meet you."
Turner led Emmitt to the University of Florida locker room. He opened up Emmitt's former locker and pressed a hidden button. Suddenly, the entire back wall turned around, revealing a secret passageway. This took Emmitt by complete surprise.
"I never knowed that the wall can turn upside downs," Emmitt said aloud, his mouth agape. "If I had knowned about this, I would have hided from the team and not play some football game against bad team."
Emmitt and Turner walked down a spiral staircase until they reached a set up metallic double doors. Turner swiped a card key and the doors separated. A tall man wearing a cheap suit and sporting a gray mustache was there to greet them.
"Is this the new specimen?" the man asked, licking his lips while closely perusing Emmitt's body. "He definitely looks 100-percent USDA Man to me. He'd be perfect."
"No, Millen, he's not a new specimen, and no, you can't ride him all night long like a young stallion," Turner said dismissively, turning to Emmitt. "This is Matt Millen, our viceroy. He... well... I'm not exactly sure what he does at this facility. Let's just ignore him and move on."
Turner and Emmitt walked toward the central area of the facility. There on a dais, was a golden statue resembling former Jets' quarterback Mark Sanchez and one of his offensive linemen. Sanchez's head was slamming right into the lineman's buttocks, depicting a humorous play that occurred five Thanksgivings ago.
"Ah the butt fumble statue," Turner's turkey neck said, sighing in complete admiration. "This is where our leader received his inspiration for Bountygate II. Such a wonderful moment... but come, Emmitt, he's awaiting your arrival."
Turner led Emmitt up a set of stairs and down a carpeted corridor with strange paintings of men having random things shoved into their buttocks. There were the staples of Bountygate II - some mayonnaise, hamsters and Amazon gift cards - and there were other things, such as lamp shades, poisonous frogs and surge protectors.
"Yeah, those surge protectors were a bad idea," Turner said, shuddering a bit. "We haven't done that in a while. But he'll explain everything. He's right through these doors."
The security guard stationed in front of a pair of wooden double doors nodded at Turner, who opened the door and motioned for Emmitt to come inside. Once Emmitt stepped through, Turner closed the door behind him, remaining outside.
Emmitt didn't even have a chance to acknowledge Turner - he was too appalled by the man standing in front of him. The man was Emmitt himself - identical in every way, save for a goatee he was sporting instead of a full beard.
"Emmitt, it is a pleasure to finally meet myselves," the other Emmitt said, smiling darkly.
EMMITT REVEALS PLAN TO EMMITT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Dec. 5, 2017
Wait, there are two Emmitts? How is this possible? And why would a second Emmitt be the mastermind behind Bountygate II? The goateed Emmitt revealed everything to our Emmitt.
"You probably have a lot of questionings, and I have all the answerings," goateed Emmitt said. "A couple of week ago, or maybe a couple of year ago, you open a door to another universe. You may recall that you meeted evil version of Tim Tebone but you do not realizin' that I step into your world. Now, we finally meetin' face to space."
Evil Emmitt - I think he's earned that moniker with his Bountygate II antics - is referring to an incident about a year ago when the real Emmitt inadvertently opened the door to an alternate universe. The real Emmitt had to stop Evil Tim Tebow, who was charging $200 per circumcision. You can read about it by clicking this link. emmitt2016_14.php
As the real Emmitt was trying to grasp the magnitude of the situation, Viceroy Matt Millen barged into Evil Emmitt's office.
"Emmitt, I know you told me not to bother you or to ask if you want to try some kielbasa with me at night, but I have urgent news," Millen said, trying to catch his breath. "Our target... our target is on the move and heading north right toward us!"
"It is all going accordion to plans," Evil Emmitt said, maniacally tapping his fingers together. "The target goin' be here soon. All the pieces goin' into places."
Real Emmitt scratched his head in confusion. "What is the target that the fat homophobe talkin' about?" the real Emmitt asked. "Is the target you referrin' to the one that relationed to K-Walmart, Sears or Circus City?"
Evil Emmitt opened his mouth to answer, but Millen interjected.
"No, Emmitt, you hunk of a man, I'm talking about an actual target; not Target the store," Millen said. "Our target is your friend, Shannon Sharpe. We've been looking for the Chosen One. Someone whose backside can withstand countless penetrations of hamsters, mayonnaise, Amazon gift cards, and of course, my precious kielbasa collection.
"We now know that Shannon is the Chosen One," Millen continued. "We know this because I have a spy in the Chinese government. He and I go way back - we were experimenting with all sorts of kielbasas when we had sleepovers at the ripe age of 13. Man, I loved to ride that young stallion all night long. Oh boy... Wait, what was I talking about again?"
Both Emmitts grimaced, clearly disgusted by Millen's childhood sexual memories.
"Mark Milner, stop touchin' yourselves," Evil Emmitt said. "What Milner tryin' to say for himselves is that the Chinatown governor guy he knoweds say that Simon Sharpe have a really, really big backside."
The real Emmitt was perplexed by this. He stood there, silently, trying to process all of this information. He then had a key question for Evil Emmitt.
"But why do you need myselves if you discover that Shannon Shard is the Chosened One?" the real Emmitt asked.
"Because he has those damn Chinese ninjas protecting him!" Millen interrupted Evil Emmitt before he could answer. "Believe me, we've tried everything! I tried propositioning the ninjas for a fun night of kielbasa fun, but they just beat me with their nunchucks. I mean, it was kind of kinky, and I'd totally be into that if this occurred in the bedroom. Oh boy... Wait, what was I talking about again?"
"You friend with Simon Sharpes," Evil Emmitt interjected, this time dismissing Millen fondling himself. "You can get close to himselves and talkin' him into comin' here where the ninja guys cannot protectioned anymore."
"And why would I doed somethin' like that?" the real Emmitt asked.
"Because," Evil Emmitt replied, "if you do not, then we will stuff a lot of bad thing into the backside of all your former Dallas Cowboy teammates like Troy Aiken, Michael Irving and even your head coach Jimmy Jaskens. They'd have so much things in their backside they would not even be able to walk let alone run anywhere."
Upon hearing this, Millen touched himself inappropriately yet again.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - May 20
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 20
2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 15
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 3
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
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