The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, July 19, 2019
Emmitt, Ray Rice and Dianna Marie Russini tried all they could to escape their captors, but they were just overwhelmed by the sheer numbers in Jared Fogle's army. Fogle's men tied their arms and blindfolded them, and then escorted them out of the North Korea Nuclear Facility. They were then placed into a truck, which drove for what seemed like 30 minutes, though it was difficult for the three heroes to tell how much time had elapsed.
They were eventually taken into a cold, damp area. They were clearly underground again, and they could hear their footsteps echoing down what seemed like a hall. Suddenly, the blindfolds were removed. Emmitt, Rice and Russini were all in a cage. Fogle, surrounded by four armed guards, sneered at them from the other side of the bars.
"Think you could just get away with it?" Fogle hissed. "Sure, just waltz into the North Korea Nuclear Facility and ruin everything I've been building."
"Building?" Emmitt asked, quite startled. "You made that building? I thought you were the guy who just talk about how you losted so much pounds on the TV."
"Not literally, Emmitt," Fogle replied. "Building my plan, to be more precise. This is nearly a decade's worth of work!"
"What do you mean?" Rice asked.
"It started before I was arrested," Fogle revealed. "As you may know, the age of consent in North Korea is 5. This is perfect for someone like me, who was shackled by barbaric American laws that prohibit those under 18 to have sex with adults. What sort of country did these oppressive law-makers think they were in, Saudi Arabia? A man like me has needs - needs that cannot be fulfilled by a simple footlong at the local Subway franchise.
"So, I struck a deal with the great Kim Jong-un," Fogle continued. "In exchange for safe harbor and an endless supply of young women to satisfy my needs, I would give Kim Jong-un all of the My Little Pony dolls that I confiscated from my previous girlfriends. And now, you're trying to ruin my sweet set-up. Do you know how miserable life would be if I had to go back to having sex with 18-year-old women? Do you!? Their smooth skin, perky breasts, hourglass figures... disgusting! Disgusting!"
"You're the one who's disgusting!" Rice snapped. "How can you have sex with little girls!? That's horrible! You're supposed to wait until they grow up so you can punch them if they misbehave!"
Russini shot Rice a dirty look and then turned toward Fogle.
"Jared, I respect your desires, and I might be able to help you," Russini said softly, drawing curious looks from both Emmitt and Rice. "This girl I know - she's sweet, young and innocent."
Fogle licked his lips, while Emmitt and Rice stared at her in disbelief.
"Tell me more," he hissed.
"She's a girl with a curl," she said, watching Fogle begin to sweat profusely. "She has blue eyes and a bright smile, and she blushes often, even when you call her name."
Fogle began to touch himself inappropriately, and the rest of the guards followed suit.
"I need more information," Fogle moaned. "What is her date of birth?"
"She was born recently, and if you let me out of this cage, I can show you her birth certificate. But I think she was born on Valentine's Day, probably February 14, 2012," she replied.
Suddenly, Fogle and his guards stopped touching themselves. He then slammed his fist on the cage.
"Born 2012? Born 2012!?" he shouted incoherently. "What do you think this is, Iran, where the age of consent is 7!? Born 2012!? You want to set me up with a 7-year-old!? That's disgusting! She probably has developed boobs and some sort of hourglass figure already! I can ... I can already feel myself throwing..."
Fogle vomited all over the cage. Much of it stuck to the bars, but some of the puke landed inside the cage.
"I can't believe you would think that a man of my great taste would be interested in such an old woman!" Jared yelled, slamming his fists onto the bars. "I came to North Korea to date 5-year-olds, and I'll be damned if I ever have to be forced into a sexual relationship with an elderly 7-year-old woman!"
Fogle left along with three of the four guards. The fourth remained still for a few seconds. He then quickly turned around, looked at the three heroes, spat into their cage, and proceeded to walk away.
"Sorry guys, I tried," Russini said, shrugging her shoulders. "Now what?"
Rice remained silent, but Emmitt smiled.
"Guys, we getting out of here in the blink of an eye drop."
ESCAPING FROM JARED FOGLE'S DUNGEON
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, July 20, 2019
The guard who spat into the cage returned several minutes later and then began to pace back and forth. Eventually, he grew fatigued enough to sit down. Before Emmitt, Ray Rice and Dianna
Marie Russini knew it, he fell asleep.
"Now's our chance," Russini whispered. "Emmitt, how exactly are you gonna get us out of here?"
Emmitt reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny object. It was the lock pick that was given to him by a bearded individual back in North Carolina when he broke into Greg Hardy's house and attempted to prevent domestic assault.
"Somebody with hair on his face gived this to me and called me the master of unlockers," Emmitt revealed.
"Barry?" Russini yelped, but instantly covered her mouth because she knew she was being too loud. She looked at the guard, but he continued to snore. "Was it Barry?"
"I did not ask his name," Emmitt said. "If only I had the magical superpower of tele... telephone... I could have read his mind or his brain and comed up with his name and then tolded it to you right now."
"I believe it was Barry; he's an old friend of mine," Russini said. "Barry always told me that it was his mission in life to find the Seven Masters of Unlocking. He knew of one, some girl named Jill, and now there's you."
Emmitt looked at Russini quizzically. "Seven master of unlockers?" Emmitt asked. "But what is so special about me, and who are the other nine people in the seven master group?"
"I'm not sure," Russini said, suddenly looking down at the ground, appearing to be very disappointed. "All he gave me was this stupid lighter. But if you have a lock pick, you should go ahead and use it before sleepyhead over there wakes up."
Emmitt wasted no time and approached the door. He worked quietly to avoid waking up the guard. Fortunately, as one of the Seven Masters of Unlocking, Emmitt was able to pry open the cage quite easily. The three tip-toed out of the cage, passing by the guard on the way into the hallway. Rice quickly glanced at the man's nametag.
"Guys, we didn't really need to worry about him waking up," Rice said. "He'll probably be asleep for another 12 hours."
Knowing they could make some noise now, the three began sprinting down the hallway. They continued to follow the red "Exit" signs. Though they didn't climb any stairs, they could tell they were ascending based on the ramps in the hallways. Before long, they finally reached the front entrance.
"I can't believe we made it!" Russini exclaimed.
"Not so fast!" a voice yelled. It was Jared Fogle, who was surrounded by eight guards this time. "You didn't think you could escape that easily, did you? Men, these individuals want to stop our trade with Kim Jong-un. They want to make it so we can't have sex with 5-year-old women anymore. Shoot them now!"
The guards pointed their weapons, but before they could pull the trigger, someone dropped down from the ceiling, landing perfectly onto the ground. The person was of medium build, but covered in black ninja garb. The guards pointed their guns at this person, but they were too slow. He/she leapt into the air and whirled around the room, spin-kicking each of the eight guards. They all collapsed at once, leaving Jared as the sole villain.
"Eeeeee!" Jared shrieked, running out of the room. The enigmatic individual pulled down the mask, revealing that he was an Asian man in his late 20s.
"Who are you?" Rice asked. "And where did you learn to kick like that? I'd love to teach some women a lesson or two by pulling a move like that."
The man ignored Rice's questions and looked directly at Emmitt.
"Come quickly," he said. "Your friends are waiting for you."