The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Nov. 30, 2016
Roger Goodell has had enough.
The NFL commissioner has been criticized more than ever this year. Sometimes, the public determines that his punishment is too harsh. For instance, Goodell's decision to ban DeSean Jackson for life because he used a heterophobic slur in late September was met with ire. Meanwhile, some say that Goodell's unwillingness to suspend Ndamukong Suh for shooting backup quarterback Curtis Painter in the elbow was even worse.
Goodell will no longer be making the calls. Effective immediately, the Skittle Warriors will be responsible for making all NFL disciplinary decisions, Goodell announced Tuesday.
The Skittle Warriors are a newly formed vigilante organization dedicated to fighting crime. Some call these men superheroes. Captain JaMarcus Russell, the Purple Skittle, wouldn't have any of it.
"Haha somebody say I superheroes, but superheroes like the guy who wear number S on blue shirt and have red underwear haha, do ya tink so, or guy who wear mouse costume and fight clown do ya tink so?" Capt. Russell said/asked.
Capt. Russell was once bashed for eating Skittles on the sideline and was consequently forced into his first retirement. Everything changed in December 2011 when he watched the Seahawks battle the Eagles on NFL Network.
"I eat Skittle on chair haha and uhh... I see runny guy on Seattle name Marchel Lynch eat Skittle after score in touchdown, do ya tink so?" Capt. Russell said/asked.
Capt. Russell reached out to Marshawn - not Marchel - Lynch, and the two agreed to join together to fight crime and eat Skittles. Russell named himself captain, and Lynch became Commander Lynch, the Green Skittle, his first mate.
"I been rockin' this beast mode thang and this Skittle thang yeaahhhh," Cmdr. Lynch said. "Yeaahhh, yeaaahhh, rockin' the Green Skittle thang and rockin' the Beast Mode thang yeaahhhh yeahhhhhhhh."
The two recruited Eric Berry soon after once it was reported that the Kansas City safety also eats Skittles during games. Berry quickly became Lieutenant Commander Berry, the Red Skittle.
However, with only three people in the Skittle Warriors, Capt. Russell, Cmdr. Lynch and Lt. Cmdr. Berry were two men short. They fortunately were able to fill their roster earlier this month. Former New England quarterback Anthony Morelli was first on board.
"Eh yo... I uhh... buy red packet in store and uhh... I eat color ball in red packet then somebody go knock-knock on my door, eh yo..." Morelli said. "When I open door, former player tell me they watch me and ask me to join Skittle Warrior club, eh yo."
Morelli was quickly named Lieutenant Morelli, the Yellow Skittle. And as of Sunday night, former quarterback Jeff Garcia is Lieutenant Junior Grade Garcia, the Orange Skittle.
"Jeeezth Chrittthh I like rainbowsss and different colorssss yeaahhh," Garcia said. "Do you guyssss know my hot wife, she'ssss so hottt right, Jeeezth Chritthh!?"
So, how do these five men know when crime is breaking loose when all they do all day is eat Skittles? Well, according to the Red Skittle, there's an elusive Admiral Tropical Skittle whose identity hasn't been revealed. We only have this statement from the Tropical Skittle:
"Hem, hem... uhh... I need to... umm... put the... uhh... hem, hem... Skittle Warriors... uhh... in a better position... umm... hem, hem... and I take... uhh... full responsibility... uhh... time's yours..."
We can only wonder who this enigmatic Tropical Skittle person really is, but in the meantime, we definitely feel much safer with the Skittle Warriors patrolling the streets.
SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Dec. 3, 2016
Steve Johnson has gone way too far this time. And it's really going to cost him.
The Buffalo receiver has become infamous for his controversial touchdown celebrations over the years. His belittling of Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg five years ago drew the ire of some, including pretentious douche bag Bob Costas, who said on live television that the American culture grows dumber and more immature with each passing day. Still, others laughed at Johnson because Burress' predicament was quite humorous.
Well, no one's laughing now.
The Bills battled the Eagles on Thursday night. After scoring a touchdown, Johnson got on all fours and began barking at the confused crowd. He then grabbed the back of his own neck and forced it down into the ground. Johnson's body began convulsing, and about a minute after that, he rolled over onto his back and pretended he was dead. He then took a $100 bill out of his sock and put it into his other sock, signifying that he was mocking Michael Vick for drowning dogs and taking a bets on how long they would last.
But Johnson wasn't done. He then grabbed a pair of jumper cables that were hidden under the goal post, strapped them to his scrotum, flipped on an imaginary switch and faked a seizure. Not only was Johnson drowned; he was electrocuted via jumper cables - clearly another shot at Vick.
The home crowd booed Johnson - perhaps because he dropped 10 passes prior to the touchdown - while Vick just stared in disbelief.
"Those are old tricks," Vick said afterward. "People got mad at me for doing that, so now I just cook dogs alive and take bets on how long they'll take until they become medium-rare."
Costas, meanwhile, was more irate than Vick.
"I don't want to live in a world that is filled with people so stupid and so immature, so I've decided that I'm going to end it all," Costas said. "I'm through living. I can't take it anymore. Given what happened today, I'm going to stop drinking expensive wines and dining at Chez Pierre. Why is everyone so much dumber and more immature than me!? Why, God, why!?"
But what about disciplinary issues? NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was asked how he would handle the situation, but reminded everyone that his new Skittle Warriors would take care of it.
"Haha I uhh... dunno what Johnson dooz wrong, do ya tink so?" said Capt. JaMarcus Russell, the Purple Skittle. "Ehh... uhh... haha... why somebody's gotta celebrate in footballs? And why he dance on grass that not green, I tink all grass green in footballs, and I dunno understand what yellow ting with H-shape, do ya tink so?"
Perhaps the Purple Skittle was the wrong person to ask about this, given that he didn't score any touchdowns in the NFL. Surely, Cmdr. Marshawn Lynch, the Green Skittle, would provide a better answer.
"Yeahhhh... beast mode yeahhhhhhhh... yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... rockin' dat dog drownin' thang, I digs it yeahhhhh... beast mode yeahhhhh..." the Green Skittle said.
Lt. Cmdr. Eric Berry, the Red Skittle, actually had an NFL game to prepare for, so we asked Lt. Anthony Morelli, the Yellow Skittle, what he thought about the situation.
"Guy on blue team... uhh... eh yo, he make fun of guy on green team make so angry! So angry! Eh yo... huh?" Morelli said.
We didn't get a clear answer from any of the Skittle Warriors - Lt. j.g. Jeff Garcia, the Orange Skittle, was clothes and shoe shopping at the mall - but we were fortunate enough to receive a statement from the elusive Tropical Skittle.
"Hem, hem... I uhh... take... uhh... full responsibility... umm... I need to... umm... put the Skittle Warriors... in umm... uhh... a better position... uhh... hem, hem... that's something I need to... uhh... work on... hem, hem... uhh... that's something I need to fix... hem, hem..."
Johnson apparently won't be suspended or fined anytime soon. Maybe Goodell should go back to handling disciplinary issues.
I would bet 10 units on both the Packers and Patriots, and then 5 units on the Packers in the Super Bowl. The Packers will obviously blow out the Falcons and Tom Brady is the best QB of all time. They've both won 7 consecutive games (Rodgers and Brady) and they are both unstoppable. Rodgers will obviously throw a touchdown in the final seconds to win the Super Bowl. I would bet a million dollars that this will happen.