Emmitt on the Brink - Season 4: Week 13
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
SKITTLE WARRIORS HIRED
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Nov. 30, 2016
Roger Goodell has had enough.
The NFL commissioner has been criticized more than ever this year. Sometimes, the public determines that his punishment is too harsh. For instance, Goodell's decision to ban DeSean Jackson for life because he used a heterophobic slur in late September was met with ire. Meanwhile, some say that Goodell's unwillingness to suspend Ndamukong Suh for shooting backup quarterback Curtis Painter in the elbow was even worse.
Goodell will no longer be making the calls. Effective immediately, the Skittle Warriors will be responsible for making all NFL disciplinary decisions, Goodell announced Tuesday.
The Skittle Warriors are a newly formed vigilante organization dedicated to fighting crime. Some call these men superheroes. Captain JaMarcus Russell, the Purple Skittle, wouldn't have any of it.
"Haha somebody say I superheroes, but superheroes like the guy who wear number S on blue shirt and have red underwear haha, do ya tink so, or guy who wear mouse costume and fight clown do ya tink so?" Capt. Russell said/asked.
Capt. Russell was once bashed for eating Skittles on the sideline and was consequently forced into his first retirement. Everything changed in December 2011 when he watched the Seahawks battle the Eagles on NFL Network.
"I eat Skittle on chair haha and uhh... I see runny guy on Seattle name Marchel Lynch eat Skittle after score in touchdown, do ya tink so?" Capt. Russell said/asked.
Capt. Russell reached out to Marshawn - not Marchel - Lynch, and the two agreed to join together to fight crime and eat Skittles. Russell named himself captain, and Lynch became Commander Lynch, the Green Skittle, his first mate.
"I been rockin' this beast mode thang and this Skittle thang yeaahhhh," Cmdr. Lynch said. "Yeaahhh, yeaaahhh, rockin' the Green Skittle thang and rockin' the Beast Mode thang yeaahhhh yeahhhhhhhh."
The two recruited Eric Berry soon after once it was reported that the Kansas City safety also eats Skittles during games. Berry quickly became Lieutenant Commander Berry, the Red Skittle.
However, with only three people in the Skittle Warriors, Capt. Russell, Cmdr. Lynch and Lt. Cmdr. Berry were two men short. They fortunately were able to fill their roster earlier this month. Former New England quarterback Anthony Morelli was first on board.
"Eh yo... I uhh... buy red packet in store and uhh... I eat color ball in red packet then somebody go knock-knock on my door, eh yo..." Morelli said. "When I open door, former player tell me they watch me and ask me to join Skittle Warrior club, eh yo."
Morelli was quickly named Lieutenant Morelli, the Yellow Skittle. And as of Sunday night, former quarterback Jeff Garcia is Lieutenant Junior Grade Garcia, the Orange Skittle.
"Jeeezth Chrittthh I like rainbowsss and different colorssss yeaahhh," Garcia said. "Do you guyssss know my hot wife, she'ssss so hottt right, Jeeezth Chritthh!?"
So, how do these five men know when crime is breaking loose when all they do all day is eat Skittles? Well, according to the Red Skittle, there's an elusive Admiral Tropical Skittle whose identity hasn't been revealed. We only have this statement from the Tropical Skittle:
"Hem, hem... uhh... I need to... umm... put the... uhh... hem, hem... Skittle Warriors... uhh... in a better position... umm... hem, hem... and I take... uhh... full responsibility... uhh... time's yours..."
We can only wonder who this enigmatic Tropical Skittle person really is, but in the meantime, we definitely feel much safer with the Skittle Warriors patrolling the streets.
SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Saturday, Dec. 3, 2016
Steve Johnson has gone way too far this time. And it's really going to cost him.
The Buffalo receiver has become infamous for his controversial touchdown celebrations over the years. His belittling of Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg five years ago drew the ire of some, including pretentious douche bag Bob Costas, who said on live television that the American culture grows dumber and more immature with each passing day. Still, others laughed at Johnson because Burress' predicament was quite humorous.
Well, no one's laughing now.
The Bills battled the Eagles on Thursday night. After scoring a touchdown, Johnson got on all fours and began barking at the confused crowd. He then grabbed the back of his own neck and forced it down into the ground. Johnson's body began convulsing, and about a minute after that, he rolled over onto his back and pretended he was dead. He then took a $100 bill out of his sock and put it into his other sock, signifying that he was mocking Michael Vick for drowning dogs and taking a bets on how long they would last.
But Johnson wasn't done. He then grabbed a pair of jumper cables that were hidden under the goal post, strapped them to his scrotum, flipped on an imaginary switch and faked a seizure. Not only was Johnson drowned; he was electrocuted via jumper cables - clearly another shot at Vick.
The home crowd booed Johnson - perhaps because he dropped 10 passes prior to the touchdown - while Vick just stared in disbelief.
"Those are old tricks," Vick said afterward. "People got mad at me for doing that, so now I just cook dogs alive and take bets on how long they'll take until they become medium-rare."
Costas, meanwhile, was more irate than Vick.
"I don't want to live in a world that is filled with people so stupid and so immature, so I've decided that I'm going to end it all," Costas said. "I'm through living. I can't take it anymore. Given what happened today, I'm going to stop drinking expensive wines and dining at Chez Pierre. Why is everyone so much dumber and more immature than me!? Why, God, why!?"
But what about disciplinary issues? NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was asked how he would handle the situation, but reminded everyone that his new Skittle Warriors would take care of it.
"Haha I uhh... dunno what Johnson dooz wrong, do ya tink so?" said Capt. JaMarcus Russell, the Purple Skittle. "Ehh... uhh... haha... why somebody's gotta celebrate in footballs? And why he dance on grass that not green, I tink all grass green in footballs, and I dunno understand what yellow ting with H-shape, do ya tink so?"
Perhaps the Purple Skittle was the wrong person to ask about this, given that he didn't score any touchdowns in the NFL. Surely, Cmdr. Marshawn Lynch, the Green Skittle, would provide a better answer.
"Yeahhhh... beast mode yeahhhhhhhh... yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... rockin' dat dog drownin' thang, I digs it yeahhhhh... beast mode yeahhhhh..." the Green Skittle said.
Lt. Cmdr. Eric Berry, the Red Skittle, actually had an NFL game to prepare for, so we asked Lt. Anthony Morelli, the Yellow Skittle, what he thought about the situation.
"Guy on blue team... uhh... eh yo, he make fun of guy on green team make so angry! So angry! Eh yo... huh?" Morelli said.
We didn't get a clear answer from any of the Skittle Warriors - Lt. j.g. Jeff Garcia, the Orange Skittle, was clothes and shoe shopping at the mall - but we were fortunate enough to receive a statement from the elusive Tropical Skittle.
"Hem, hem... I uhh... take... uhh... full responsibility... umm... I need to... umm... put the Skittle Warriors... in umm... uhh... a better position... uhh... hem, hem... that's something I need to... uhh... work on... hem, hem... uhh... that's something I need to fix... hem, hem..."
Johnson apparently won't be suspended or fined anytime soon. Maybe Goodell should go back to handling disciplinary issues.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
NFL Picks - Dec. 4
2014 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 4
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 29
2014 NBA Mock Draft - Nov. 21
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 19
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 4
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