The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Nov. 27, 2017
For a minute, it seemed like we had a great lead on the mastermind in Bountygate II. Emmitt and his crew, as you may have heard, landed in the Miami International Airport on Friday morning. Emmitt's group, comprised of Eric Mangini, his new wife Asian Erin Andrews, Shannon Sharpe, Brandon Marshall, Eric Winston and Emmitt himself, split apart as soon as they reached Florida.
"Now, Florida a real big city," Emmitt said. "We need to spit into two group. One group handle the south side and one group handle the up side. Mangina, Eric Andrew and Shannon handle the south side, while me, Brandon Johnson and the Eric Witness handle the upland."
The group unanimously agreed that this was a good idea, especially Asian Erin Andrews, who admitted that it was her life-long dream to visit Miami.
"I read in magazine, a rot of rich guy in shhity of Miami," Asian Erin Andrews said. "Miami big shhity and rich guy buy rot of jewerry for girr, so maybe husband buy me rot of jewerry to make me feer better about myserf."
Mangini squeezed his loving wife's hand tightly. "Of course, my dear," he said. "I'll definitely buy lots of jewelry for you. But can we go buy the beach? There will be lots of hot gir... I mean hot uhh... sand so I can take pictures of them and save the pictures on my computer."
Emmitt, Marshall and Winston ventured to the northern part of Florida. They wandered around aimlessly for a couple of days. It didn't even appear as though Emmitt had any sort of plan.
"The box that Brandon Johnson wife have say that the bad guy with the pet mayonnaise and hamsters from the city of Florida, but he do not say where in the city of Florida he locationed, so we gonna be walkin' around for a real long time," Emmitted lamented.
Yes, that's right, they walked. Emmitt didn't even bother renting a car.
"I do not have the money to buy car, and I do not understand how rented a car," Emmitt said with a perplexed look on his face. "I heard of people rentin' apartment or house before because he can live in inside, but how can somebody rent a car because you can't live inside car?"
Things were looking bleak when Emmitt finally received a phone call Sunday morning.
"Emmitt, there's something very suspicious in Miami that you need to come and see!" Mangini wrote.
Emmitt, Marshall and Winston hopped on a bus and reached Miami that afternoon. They found Mangini crying in his room with Sharpe consoling him. Emmitt asked what happened, and Mangini eventually composed himself enough to explain what transpired over the past couple of days.
"She... she... she... she left me," Mangini whimpered. "Asian Erin Andrews asked me to buy jewelry, and when I discovered that my bank account had insufficient funds, she said she was going to leave the apartment and go for a walk. Well, she never came back. I called her and got her voice mail. She later sent me a text telling me good riddance."
Mangini showed Emmitt the text. Here it is:
"Herro, Mangina. I met very very rich guy on shhity boardwark. He say I very, very beautifur. He say buy me rots and rots of jewerry. I recognize him from picture in magazine. He used to have girrfriend name Kim Kardashian. He pray footbarr for Dorphin so he have rots and rots of money buy me jewerry. Thank you for getting me in country, Mangina but it's time shay goodbye."
Ouch, that's cold, though we probably saw that coming. In fact, no one should be surprised - not even the distraught Mangini.
EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Dec. 4, 2017
We haven't filed a report in relation to the Bountygate II case in a week because nothing noteworthy transpired - until now. But in the week prior, Emmitt and his crew spent their time hanging out in Miami, consoling a devastated Eric Mangini.
"It's... it's... it's not fair," Mangini cried on Wednesday. "Why does stuff like this always happen to me? I can't believe it. Why... why did the camera have to break? I took so many pictures of hot girls that I was going to hang on my wall, but the camera didn't bother to save any of them! Why does my life suck so much!?"
Shannon Sharpe seemed puzzled. "Gh4ug wo wnl nrln 3ph rnls ndkn banana tton 5e onsfn kh n5oetn o w ho34i sugar igwe oru ub34heor roj bdk o4bgrisb kg hoffw coffee uqhgo42inetn dofsd eoh8ouq w," Sharpe said.
"Shut up, Shannon, you have no idea how it feels," Mangini shouted back. "And why'd you have to remind me that Asian Erin Andrews left me? I was going to have her and the real Erin Andrews as my wives at the same time, but now I can only have the real Erin Andrews as my wife because Asian Erin Andrews is going to marry that Reggie Bush jerk!"
Brandon Marshall, meanwhile, had some advice for Mangini.
"Mangina, you shouldn't worry about that too much," he said. "Listen, I was married, and my wife always beat... I mean... uhh... left McDonald's bags on the ground that I would slip on by accident. Now, imagine if I had two wives! That would be a lot of punch... I mean... uhh... McDonald's bags that I would slip on by accident. Yeah."
This did not help Mangini, who kept everyone awake by moaning in his sleep in the middle of the night. Emmitt eventually got tired of this.
"I can't fall asleep with Mangina cryin' all night longs," Emmitt said. "Even a man my age need his beauty sleepness."
Emmitt left the hotel room quietly. He then boarded a bus headed north. He awakened to find himself in Gainesville. He was the only one on the bus besides the driver.
"Excuse myselves, Mr. Bus Driving, but where do we drived to?" Emmitt asked.
The bus driver just stared ahead and quietly said, "Gainesville." This took Emmitt by surprise.
"Oh, I recognize that country!" Emmitt exclaimed. "Now, but... I forget where I knowed that country from. If only I has an Internet machine to punch the Gainesville country name into Goggle.com I could tell you where I knowed the country from."
The bus driver sat there in silence for a few moments. He continued to stare ahead, apparently in deep thought. He then tilted his head a bit to the right, though Emmitt still couldn't see his face.
"You live in Gainesville during your college years, Emmitt..." the bus driver hissed despite the fact that his mouth didn't appear to move.
"Oh yeah, I rememberinged now!" Emmitt shouted. "The country of Gainvilles where the University of Florida City locationed and I play footballs there... wait how do you knowed this and how do you knowed my name?"
The bus driver finally turned around. He took off his hat. Emmitt gaped, as he instantly recognized him. It was Norv Turner, his former offensive coordinator with the Cowboys - and he held a gun pointed right at Emmitt.
"Because I used to coach you, Emmitt," Norv said, though his mouth continued to stay closed. That's when Emmitt noticed that Norv's turkey neck had its own pair of eyes and mouth.
Emmitt was in complete shock, prompting Norv's turkey neck to roar in laughter.
"My master has been waiting for you for quite some time," Norv's turkey neck said. "Come, Emmitt, it's time for you to learn the truth behind Bountygate II."
I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!! WALT WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUCK IT LOSER SON!!! YALL THINK YO HOT @#$@ YOU AINT @#$@, I'M A BADASS ALPHA MALE SON!!!!!! I SHOULD BE GIVING AWAY FREE BETTING INFO SO YO LOSERS CAN MAKE SOME DOUGH, THIS POSER AINT @#$@ SON