The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2019
Emmitt and his friends departed early Wednesday morning. Tasked with recovering the Crips' Justin Bieber videos from the Bloods, they ventured over to the rival gang's headquarters.
"Do you really think DeSean Jackson knows where the second scion of the Walking Buc apocalypse is?" Josh Gordon asked. "DeSean is a pretty shady guy, so do you think he's tricking us?"
"He knows something for sure," Johnny Manziel confirmed. "Only a handful of people know that Emmitt and two others are the only ones who can stop the Walking Bucs from taking over the planet, so we need to find out what he knows."
The Tampa streets were surprisingly empty. Emmitt and his friends were expecting to see many Walking Bucs roaming around, but they only encountered one - a woman with ghastly boils on her face who wanted to share her detergent with the six men. Gordon readied his shotgun, but he didn't need to use it; Jerry Jones offered the woman a Dallas Cowboys playoff ticket, and she collapsed in laughter. Ray Rice squashed her head with his boot.
"She put up a valiant fight, but I have vanquished another female in a bloody battle," he said proudly, as he needlessly dragged her body around the city.
About half an hour later, the six men arrived at the Bloods' headquarters. They found themselves standing in front of a Chuck E. Cheese's.
"I am confuse, very confuse," Emmitt said, scratching his head. "Why the Blood havin' a party at Chicken Cheese? I use to has birthday party there when I was kid, and all my friend gived me Christmas present for my birthday."
"Because the Bloods love to play Skeeball," Manziel explained. "That, and they love to rub their nipples while watching little boys play. That's why they stole the Justin Bieber videos. His childish features are so prominent that having him on screen is like watching a thousand little boys play at the same time."
Emmitt and his crew located a cracked window on the side of the Chuck E. Cheese's. They slipped in one by one, though Jerry Jones volunteered to stay behind so that he could keep watch. The five men crawled on the ground to avoid being seen. They quietly made their way to the leader's office, all while seeing plenty of nipple rubbing and Skeeball playing along the way. Some members even rubbed someone else's nipples while that player rolled a ball down the ramp.
They eventually found the leader's office. They peered in and saw Ron Jaworski rubbing his nipples while watching a monitor.
"Ron Jaw, we finally meet at lasted," Emmitt said, startling the former Eagles' quarterback.
Jaworski composed himself and sported an obvious fake smile.
"Ah, Emmitt, Josh, Ray, Bob, Johnny, welcome to my humble abode," Jaworski said. "I've been watching lots of film on Nick Foles and how he has developed in the National Football League. Nick has a quick release and goes through his progressions perfectly, and best of all, he throws that tight spiral that always gets delivered where he wants to throw it. Nick Foles has been a great quarterback in the National Football League."
"Cut the crap, Jaws," Manziel snapped, wiping the grin off Jaworski's face. "We know you stole the Crips' Justin Bieber videos. We need them back."
"Fine, you caught me," Jaworski admitted. "I've been watching lots of film on Justin Bieber and how he has developed into a pop culture icon despite not being in the National Football League. Justin has cute cheekbones, a voice that makes one's private parts very excited, and best of all, his lesbian haircuts are second to none. Justin Bieber has been a great alternative to watching games of the National Football League."
"We need those videos back, Jaws," Gordon demanded.
"Oh you do, do you?" Jaworski lashed back. "Wes, come in here."
A short man joined everyone in Jaworski's office.
"Wes, please tie these men up and escort them to the dungeon," Jaworski ordered. "I've watched lots of film on them, and most of them were once elusive players in the National Football League. Emmitt had great durability, Josh possessed freak athleticism, Johnny snorted lots of cocaine, and Ray caught the ball out of the backfield very well, so these former players of the National Football League are extremely dangerous."
Before Emmitt and his friends could do anything, Wes Welker split into five copies of himself. The Welker copies tied Emmitt and everyone else up and led them to the dungeon.
ESCAPE FROM THE BLOODS HEADQUARTERS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2019
The Wes Welker clones locked Emmitt and his four companions in separate cells. The Welkers all looked out of whack; their eyes were bloodshot, and they could barely stand straight. They somehow wobbled out of the dungeon, slamming the door behind them.
"What the hell was that!?" Ray Rice shrieked once they were gone. "I can't even handle one male adversary. How am I supposed to deal with five!?"
"It must be Ron Jaworski's dark magic," Johnny Manziel replied. "Jaws must have watched plenty of film on some of the dark magicians over the years, so he's picked up on their tricks."
"If the Jaw is using dark magic, do that mean that he can be defeat by a flashlight?" Emmitt asked.
"Unfortunately, no, Emmitt," Bob Kraft responded. "Perhaps I can part ways with one of my Arby's sandwiches that I brought along with me in case of an emergency, but if that doesn't work, then I'm at a loss."
"I am at a lost as well too," Emmitt said sullenly.
Meanwhile, Jerry Jones saw the entire thing unfold from outside the Chuck E. Cheese's. He was in deep thought, trying to figure out how to help his friends escape, when he spotted one of the Wes Welker clones leave the building. The Welker clone scanned the ground, as if it was looking for something. Jones, hiding behind a trash can, studied it until he was ready to make his move.
"Howdy, Wes," Jones said, beaming, extending his hand toward the Welker clone, which appeared to be startled. "Oh, it's OK, Wes. I see you're looking for something. Perhaps I can interest you in some of these."
Jones reached into his pocket and revealed three Dallas Cowboys playoff tickets.
"No thanks, I have all the toilet paper I need," the Welker clone said, looking disappointed at Jones' gesture.
"Not interested?" Jones asked, still sporting a wide smile. "Not even if you can trade these for large quantities of Molly?"
"Molly!?" the Welker clone exclaimed, with its eyes widened. "Where can I get more Molly? How can I get more Molly? Jaws promised me lots, but he's only given me a little bit! Can this really get me a lot!?"
"Absolutely," said warmly. "But you have to do something for me first."
Minutes later, the Welker clones released Emmitt and his friends, who stormed back to Ron Jaworski's office.
"We'll be taking those videos now," Manziel said coldly to Jaworski, who was shocked that yet another one of his nipple-rubbing experiences was interrupted.
"Welker clones, tie them up again, that's an order!" Jaworski barked. "I've watched lots of film on these guys, and I know that if they were tied up as professionals, they wouldn't have done much in the National Football League!"
The Welker clones disobeyed their former master, opting to ensnare him instead.
"What are you doing, fools!?" Jaworski growled. "I've watched lots of film on you, and I know that you need Molly to survive, especially when you're not playing in the National Football League!"
"Jerry is going to give us more Molly than you have," one of the Welker clones said, leading Jaworski away.
"You haven't heard the last of me!" Jaworski howled.
A beaming Jerry Jones turned to the remaining Welker clones. "Take these Dallas Cowboys playoff tickets to a man named Tony Romo, who is living in Texas right now. He has barely been in the playoffs, so he'll gladly trade all of the Molly on his Molly plantation for them."
The Welker clones quickly departed, while Emmitt and his crew gathered the stolen Justin Bieber videos. They soon embarked back to the Crips' headquarters with their mission accomplished.