The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots in 2013!
EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Wednesday, Oct. 2, 2013
Herm Edwards, known as Conservative Herm in many circles, has always been one to defy the norm.
In a pass-happy league, Herm loves to run the ball, even in third-and-long situations late in games. And who could forget Herm's decision to punt the ball with two minutes and no timeouts remaining in the final week of the 2011 season when the Chiefs were attempting to avoid the first 0-16 campaign in NFL history? For those of you who may have forgotten, the Broncos were so confused by the decision, they chose to run the ball instead of kneeling down. Luckily for Kansas City, Maurice Wells fumbled, allowing Glenn Dorsey to run the ball back for the winning touchdown.
With that in mind, Herm's most controversial move came this offseason when he decided to cut every single player on his team except for starting quarterback Tim Tebow. He then hired Tom Cruise, the world's most renowned mad scientist, as a "special adviser."
Cruise approached Herm and general manager Carl Peterson two months earlier, and announced that a dragon told him that his mission was to be the Chiefs' savior. According to Cruise, the dragon stole a formula from two goofy Japanese men. Because anyone who has the formula can clone any NFL player, Kansas City's front office decided to make 52 copies of Tebow.
"Let's not get this thing twisted and think we backed into this deal," Edwards said when asked how the Tebow cloning would affect the season. "We didn't lose, we cloned. Every team that signed players this offseason had an opportunity to hire Tom Cruise. We just happened to do it. What's wrong with that? So, let's not get it twisted and say,'Well, they're lucky.' We didn't get lucky. We played to win the game. Hello? We played to win the game. You don't play it just to play it. When you start tellin' me it doesn't matter, then retire. Get out! Cause it matters."
Kansas City sports reporters, normally pretty confused when Edwards goes off on simple questions, now are more befuddled by box scores that look like this: "Tim Tebow, 19 yd pass from Tim Tebow (Tim Tebow kick is good)" or "Tim Tebow, 32 yd interception return, lateral from Tim Tebow (Tim Tebow kick failed)."
More importantly, how can anyone contain a team comprised of 53 Tebows? No one has had success thus far, as Kansas City has won all four of its games by a margin of 35 or more. Emmitt expressed his frustration during Tuesday's press conference.
"You cannot stop the Tim Tivos," Emmitt vented. "It is unpossible to play run defense and pass defense at the same times."
However, Emmitt had an ace up his sleeve. Being an avid reader of WalterFootball.com and consequently knowing that Tebow's Kryptonite is hot women, Emmitt called Hannah Montana and asked her to show up to the hotel. If all 53 Tebows fought over her and beat each other up just to sleep with her, they would be too banged up to play football on Monday night. Unfortunately, Emmitt's plan fell through.
"I was expecting Hannah Montana to come to the hotel, but she did not showed up," Emmitt said. "Instead, some girl name Milo Cyprus come. She was hot too but she was not Hannah Montana. I do not know what have happened."
It appears as though Conservative Herm and his 53 Tebows will be at full strength come Monday night. That's not good news for Emmitt and his flawless coaching record.
EDWARDS' QUESTIONABLE DECISIONS LEAD TO LOSS
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Tuesday, Oct. 8, 2013
Coaches have made many dumb decisions in the history of football, but none were more foolish than Herm Edwards' gaffs on Monday night.
Down 21-13 with 1:06 remaining in the fourth quarter, Tim Tebow found Tim Tebow in the back of the end zone, thanks to great blocks from Tim Tebow and Tim Tebow. With the score of 21-19, Tim Tebow signaled for a 2-point conversion, but Conservative Herm used his final timeout. Coming out of the break, Herm sent kicker Tim Tebow out to try the extra point. Tebow hit the attempt, making the score 21-20.
With no timeouts remaining, the Patriots expected an onside kick. Instead, Herm ordered the Chiefs to simply kick it off to the Patriots. A confused Anthony Morelli kneeled down twice, ending the game.
"You can't go for two in that situation, you just can't," Conservative Herm pleaded. "It's just too risky! What if you don't get it? The game is over! It's better to play it safe! When you're a head coach, you don't know where to stand. You go on the field, no one's talking to you. Somebody's gotta talk to me."
And what about the onside kick?
"You can't do an onside kick in that situation," Herm continued. "If you don't get the ball back, the other team will have great field position. You just can't do something that risky! Trust me! If you don't get the ball back, the game is over! It's over and you lose! You can't think you're too big that it's not going to happen to you. It happens to everybody."
Emmitt, meanwhile, was obviously pleased with Conservative Herm's decisions.
"I cannot believe the Conservation Herm did not goed for two points after the Chiefs got the final touchdown," Emmitt said. "And then I expected Herm Edgar to try an offside kick. He did not do these. I guess he did what he thought he neededed to do... what he neededed to does."
New England's 21-19 victory is impressive, as quarterback Anthony Morelli had four times as many interceptions as completions. Morelli finished 2-of-24, eight yards, no touchdowns and eight interceptions.
"Haha eh yo... uhh... I dunno... I uhh... eh yo..." Morelli said.
Emmitt wasn't concerned with Morelli's awful performance.
"Anthony Morgan is still learning our offense with the help of his girlfriend," Emmitt said. "But she was out of town for a job interview so Anthony Moreland cannot learned the offense. Now that she is back in town, he will learn the offense. He still have a golden arm and a golden brick for a brain. As I have said earlier, golden is more powerful than silver and copper."
All three of the Patriots' touchdowns came off Tebow interceptions. A trio of hot, slutty Patriots fans flashed a googly-eyed Tebow on all three picks. Herm expressed some concern that opposing teams will use this strategy going forward, and told the media that he would have to consult Tom Cruise and his alien wife Katie Holmes during his bye week. Cruise's spaceship is due to arrive in Missouri on Wednesday morning.
Meanwhile, the 5-0 Patriots will prepare for their game against the Raiders on a short week. Oakland is currently mired in its annual coaching controversy, so New England will likely be a huge favorite. Unfortunately, the three slutty Patriot fans won't be able to attend, as Al Davis' minions will attempt to sacrifice them to extend their undead boss' life.