The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
COMMISSIONER PLANS TO EXTEND SEASON
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Dec. 10, 2015
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell angered a lot of people when he planned to extend the NFL regular season to 18 games following the 2010 campaign. This time, Goodell's strategy is to take it a step further.
"I am Roger Goodell, the most powerful human in the universe," Goodell said. "Before, I shied away from extending the regular season because of the labor dispute. Now that that's over, I can focus on enforcing my omnipotence."
Goodell isn't opting to go to 18 or 20 games. His plan is to move to a 350-game schedule.
"These players are all professionals," Goodell said. "They can play every day as long as they get 15 days off. And don't ever accuse me of not being a merciful overlord. They get a 16th day off every four seasons in the event of a leap year!"
When asked about player safety, Goodell shrugged off the question.
"I've looked into that very thoroughly," Goodell said. "But I've determined that the players' health will not be compromised in a 350-game schedule. There is no scientific evidence to prove otherwise. If you can come up with something, I'm all ears - and by all ears, I mean that you will be escorted to Siberia, and never be heard from again for disrupting my grand master plan."
Most players were outspoken about this, including Hines Ward.
"They say they're not concerned that a longer schedule will affect our health, yet they just fined James Harrison $4.5 billion dollars for throwing a Gatorade bottle while leading with his helmet," Ward said. "And this is one week after James was fined $1.2 billion for taking a s*** while leading with his helmet. This is complete bull crap!"
None of the coaches were pleased either, including Emmitt.
"I enjoy havin' my summer vacations in the winter time," Emmitt said. "But now with the regular season extensive, I won't be able to enjoy runnin' on the hill or catchin' up on my soap operas, even though I do not understand why they call them soap opera when I do not even see one patches of soap in a single episode."
Aside from the lack of time off, Emmitt also expressed concern regarding the safety of the players.
"If you think the injury bug hittin' player now, just wait until the extensive come around," Emmitt said. "Now I has never seened the injury bug, but the injury bug must have a lot of poisonous inside because it cause a lot of injury when it bite somebody."
This is not the first time Goodell has proposed a radical extension to something related to the NFL. Just this spring, Goodell decided to stretch out the NFL Draft.
"A long time ago, the NFL Draft was two days," Goodell said. "Then, we turned it into a weekend-long event back in 2010. Now, the NFL Draft will last all year! For the 2015 NFL Draft, each team will have one week to complete their first-round draft pick."
The Patriots, who had the No. 32 pick, are on the clock. Because of this, Goodell has canceled their game against the Dolphins and awarded each team a win.
"I still do not know who we are goin' to pick in the draft time," Emmitt said. "But I can promise all the fan one thing - the player we picking will be a special player who will have special skill and very special inside."
With the NFL season potentially moving to 350 games, one has to wonder how teams will be able to scout these draft prospects in the future.
PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Dec. 14, 2015
The 32nd and final first-round pick of the 2015 NFL Draft is in. The New England Patriots have selected Jacques Delhomme, son of former Carolina Panthers and Cleveland Browns quarterback Jake Delhomme.
Jacques, who was the backup quarterback at Louisiana-Lafayette, is renowned for getting kidnapped multiple times during Jake's career. Jake consequently had to throw numerous games so his son's kidnappers could win money by betting against his team.
Jacques told the media that he didn't even expect to be drafted at all.
"I wasn't planning on playing football at the next level," Jacques said. "In fact, I was focusing on setting up my Quarterbacks' Children Against Kidnappers foundation when my dad called me. I couldn't understand what he was saying at first - it always takes me a while - but I eventually figured out that he was telling me that I was drafted by the New England Patriots. I was shocked."
The early reaction to this selection is not a favorable one. The fans are irate, calling the pick a reach that doesn't fill a need. Meanwhile, most of the NFL Draft analysts bashed the pick as well.
"Jacques Delhomme, not on my big board whatsoever," Mike Mayock said. "You hit none of the bases with him, 5-11, 180 pounds soakin' wet, no reps of two and a quarter, runnin' a 6.65 40 time, 20-inch vertical, got stubs for arms, no motor, slow feet like the tortoise from the Tortoise and the Hare, did not grade him as a draft prospect before the season, did not grade him as a draft prospect after the season, not talented whatsoever, no production, didn't even play, has no film, can't play any techniques, not zero-technique, not one-technique, not two-technique, not three-technique, not four-technique, not any of the techniques, you can go forever on why this is a bad pick, has no intelligence, no quickness, no arm strength, no accuracy, no knowledge of the game, saw him sittin' on the bench every week."
Once Mayock stopped talking, Todd McShay weighed in on New England's selection.
"Quarterbacks are way too risky, so you need to make sure that if you take one, he has no flaws," McShay said. "I see one big flaw with Jacques Delhomme, and that's his height. He's 5-11. BARELY 5-11. If he were six feet tall, then maybe you can take him in the first round. All of my friends at the tanning salon agree with me."
Even the Internet pundits weren't in favor of this pick.
"Should have gone with Mohamed Clausen," said Walter Cherepinsky, owner of WalterFootball.com. "The Patriots just debacled this draft. Mohamed Clausen is pro-ready. Jacques Delhomme is not. Grade: Millen Z- Failage."
Mel Kiper Jr. was the only NFL draft analyst to praise the Patriots for their selection.
"Jacques Delhomme will be a great player in the NFL," Kiper said. "He and I are both represented by the same agency, so that's how I know he will be awesome."
So, with Anthony Morelli nearly undefeated as an NFL starter and Tom Brady sitting on the bench, why did the Patriots use their first-round pick on a quarterback? Emmitt offered some interesting analysis.
"Jake Delhomme once upon a time, lead a football team to the Super Bowl championship," Emmitt said. "Jakes Delhomme, who accordin' to the DNS testin have relation to Jake, have a chance to lead our team to a Super Bowl championship because the apple do not fall far from the bush."
Unfortunately, Jacques won't have a chance to lead the Patriots anywhere this year. As he was boarding a plane to New England, two masked men grabbed him and took him away. Hours later, they called Jake.
"We have your son again, Jake," the masked man said. "If you want him back, you're going to have to help us win more money. We know you can't play football anymore, so go to Jeff Fisher and tell him that the fix is in again."