2013: Emmitt on the Brink - Week 3
2013: Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots in 2013!
PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Monday, Sept. 23, 2013
It seemed like any ordinary Sunday at Paul Brown Stadium. The fans were tailgating. Owner Mike Brown was scheming for world domination. And the police offers were patrolling the field, concourses and stadium perimeter to make sure none of the Bengals would flee the area.
But at 12:05 Eastern, the unimaginable occurred. The alarms sounded. The Bengals were escaping.
While many of the Cincinnati players made it out of the stadium - they crawled across a wire attached from the infirmary to the outer wall - two members of the squad didn't quite make it. Running back Laurence Maroney decided that it would take too much of an effort to crawl across the wire, so he let go halfway through, hit the ground and took a nap before the guards found him. When Maroney fell, the wire snapped, trapping Chad Future Hall of Fame Class Of 20?? Wide Receiver in the infirmary. Both were forced to address the media after their failed escape.
"I wanted to escape and it's not fair I didn't get to," Maroney sobbed. "I didn't want to play hard in New England. They told me I didn't have to try in Cincinnati because no one else does, so I was happy to get traded here. But Marvin Lewis told me otherwise! I just want to collect checks and sleep all day!"
Maroney then fell asleep at the microphone, but Future Hall of Fame Class Of 20?? Wide Receiver told the media that Carson Palmer masterminded the escape. Palmer apparently tattooed the design of Paul Brown Stadium onto his body. He was able to gain access to the owner's office, which was right across the hall from the infirmary, by convincing Mike Brown that he was capable of building a ray gun that would make the Bengals' boss the most powerful man in the world.
"Carson's a smart guy, but he don't know nothing about building ray guns," Future Hall of Fame Class Of 20?? Wide Receiver said. "Actually, he took my Super Soaker and painted it black. Mr. Brown is so out of touch with reality, he's never heard of Super Soakers, so he really thought it was a ray gun. What an idiot!"
Unfortunately, the press conference concluded prematurely. When asked how he felt about being trapped in Paul Brown Stadium while his other teammates were enjoying the free world, Future Hall of Fame Class Of 20?? Wide Receiver, formerly known as Chad Johnson, Chad Ocho Cinco, Chad Huit Cinq and Chad Awesome, broke down and cried.
"We don't want to play football anymore!" Future Hall of Fame Class Of 20?? Wide Receiver shouted. "Stop forcing us!"
Meanwhile, the Patriots were enjoying the prospect of an unceremonious bye week until Roger Goodell ordered that they had to play, regardless of the fact that there wouldn't be anyone else on the field.
"I did not find these fairs," Emmitt said. "With almost zero player on the field, how can Cleveland have a chance to win at uhh... Cleveland Browns Stadium?"
The Patriots won the coin toss and chose to receive. However, they faced the same problems they had against the Falcons last week. Emmitt simply couldn't get the plays in to Tom Brady though his headset.
"My assistance coaches tolded me last week that we have to plug the wires into the holes in the outline," Emmitt said. "But Cleveland Browns stadium do not have the outline so they do not has the holes."
New England obtained possession on Cincinnati's 30 because the Bengals didn't have anyone who could kick the ball off. However, the Patriots were whistled for 13 consecutive delay-of-game penalties, moving them back to their own 5. When Tom Brady finally decided to call his own play, he dropped back in the pocket. Unfortunately, Brady was so excited at the prospect of having wide-open receivers to throw to, he tripped over his own feet and fumbled the ball out of the end zone.
But a 2-0 deficit wasn't New England's greatest concern - Brady re-tore the same ACL he injured in 2008. Brady expressed his frustration.
"This really sucks," Brady vented after the 7-2 victory. "The last time I had surgery on my knee, I had trouble walking around, so I couldn't go out with five or 10 women like I do every night. This is going to kill my personal life."
Emmitt, meanwhile, discussed a potential replacement for Brady.
"The last time Tom Brady have a torn CPU we have Matt Castill... Columb... Carte... Gordon play good," Emmitt said. "Now, he is the quarterback of Seattle. Our number second quarterback is Kevin O'Donnell. We will also trade for a new quarterback from somewhere in the National Football Conference League."
So, let's recap: No Belichick. No Brady. A new quarterback from somewhere in the National Football Conference League - wherever that is. I don't think this is how Patriots fans imagined that their 2013 season would play out. But no one's complaining about the 3-0 result thus far.
ANTHONY MORELLI NAMED PATRIOTS' STARTING QUARTERBACK
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Wednesday, Sept. 25, 2013
While many experts assumed that Kevin O'Connell would step in for Tom Brady in the wake of the future Hall-of-Famer's torn ACL, Emmitt Smith apparently had something else in mind. Twenty-four hours after arriving in Foxboro, Anthony Morelli was named the starting quarterback of the Patriots.
New England obtained Morelli from the Arizona Cardinals on Monday afternoon, surrendering 10 bricks, five lizard eggs, 15 tree branches and two iron ores. No one's really sure what Bill Bidwill plans to do with these obscure items, though there is some speculation that he could sell them on eBay to World of Warcraft nerds for a net of $750,000. Hey, there's a reason Bidwill is known as the cheapest owner in the NFL. Remember, Bidwill intentionally sabotaged Arizona's 2008 season when he decided that not making the playoffs would produce more revenue for him in the long run. Despite the Cardinals' 9-5 record after Week 15, Bidwill forfeited the final two games of the year.
Meanwhile, Emmitt explained his infatuation with Morelli.
"Do not listen to me. Listen to a quote I founded on WalterFootball.coms," Emmitt said. "The arthur of these Internet said Anthony Moreland have a golden arm but a brick for a brain. I consider these positivity. Gold is more value than silver and copper. And a brick is strong and sturdy so Anthony Moreland have a strong mind and a sturdy brains, so to speak. He can be the leader of the New Zealand Patriots football team."
With Emmitt's praise of Morelli, Boston natives were excited to meet their new signal caller. That feeling quickly subsided during Morelli's press conference, as it seemed like he couldn't answer any of the questions without the help of his translator.
When asked if he was ready to take over as the starting quarterback in New England, Morelli replied, "Uhh... uhh... eh, yo... uhh..."
When asked how quickly he thought he could pick up the new offense, Morelli answered, "Eh, yo... haha... eh, yo..."
When asked to talk about his experience as Penn State's starting quarterback in 2006 and 2007, Morelli responded, "Uhh... eh, yo... uhh... yo..."
As the media members, including myself, were beginning to murmuer about Morelli's supposed intelligence that Emmitt bragged about, Morelli's interpretor, better known as his wife of four years, interjected and began fielding questions.
"Anthony's definitely ready to be the starting quarterback," Morelli's wife said. "When we were at Penn State, I made sure he got to Beaver Stadium on time and sober. I couldn't do so on the road, which is why he sometimes showed up drunk and disoriented. But now that we're married and the NFL allows me to travel with the team, I can make sure he's not barfing all over the locker room and stuff."
So, New England's quarterback will be focused enough to drive. That's great news. But can he learn the playbook quickly enough for Sunday's game against Detroit?"
"Yeah, Anthony will learn the playbook - I'll make sure of that," Morelli's wife declared. "At Penn State, I did all of his homework and took his tests so he could concentrate on football. Thank God he majored in Recreation, Park and Tourism Management, and not Physics or Computer Science, or anything like that. Oh, but I was happy to do all of his work; finding the price of cotton candy and corn dogs was pretty fun, actually, but a bit too difficult for Ant."
Let's hope learning the Patriots' playbook is fun too. Looks like Morelli is going to need all the help he can get.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Emmitt Smith's Quotes
Emmitt Smith's 2008 NFL Mock Draft
2009 NFL Mock Draft
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