The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Oct. 26, 2016
It's been five years, and still, no one is showing up.
Terrell Owens held a workout Tuesday afternoon where he showed off his speed, catching ability, and of course, his six-pack abs.
"He's almost 43, but he has the body of a 25-year-old," said super-agent Drew Rosenhaus. "I have the Tennessee Titans on hold as I'm speaking, and they're about to give him an offer."
The Titans refuted this, claiming they had no idea Owens was still trying to play professional football.
Things are looking pretty bleak for Owens. Not only did he invite the NFL; he also sent notifications of his workout to all teams of the UFL, CFL and Arena Football League. No one from any of those organizations showed any interest, presumably marking Owens' e-mail as spam.
One team did at least address Owens' announcement. In a desperate attempt to play for anyone willing to take him, Owens begged all the franchises from the Handicapped Children's Football League to attend his workout.
"T.O. would love to play for the Handicapped Children's Football League, so T.O. could show off some of his skills," said Owens, talking in the third person. "T.O. might be 43, but he can make a play as long as he gets the football."
Some expected the Washington Wheelchairs to make a move for Owens. They lost wide receiver Montana Boss for 5-7 weeks with an injury, and owner Jimmy Valmer is known for his frivolous spending. However, Valmer issued a statement Tuesday evening, indicating that Owens is not on his radar.
"T... T... Terrell Owens is a f... f... f... fantastic football player very much," Valmer said. "But he's also a d... d... d... douche bag, very much. Wow, what a great audience."
Another team that was expected to show interest in Owens was the Cincinnati Arm Slings. Owner Timmy Burch has shown no restraint for acquiring players with character concerns, but the team's latest incident might have him thinking otherwise.
Cornerback Q*bert James was arrested last week. He "made it rain" when he tossed tens of thousands of tokens in the air during his birthday party at Super Fun Time. One of the tokens landed in the mouth of one of the Super Fun Time mascots, and the person inside the costume suffocated to death.
"TIM-MAY!" said Burch afterward.
Perhaps the Q*bert James incident is why the Arm Slings haven't contacted Owens. Or maybe it's because they, like every other team in the Handicapped Children's Football League, see Owens as a declining player who drops passes, runs ineffective routes and throws teammates under the bus, ultimately destroying team chemistry in the locker room.
But we're sure the media will continue to slurp Owens and report every single insignificant move he makes until the end of time. Hell, we just did so in this article.
ANOTHER CRAZY RECEIVER UP TO CRAZY ANTICS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Oct. 27, 2016
We reported yesterday that Terrell Owens was rejected by the Washington Wheelchairs and Cincinnati Arm Slings of the Handicapped Children's Football League. Since then, we received e-mails from three other clubs - the Tennessee Tourettes, the Pittsburgh Polio and the Detroit Dyslexia - all expressing complete disinterest in Owens.
While one brash receiver tries to rekindle his career, we had to wonder what his former partner in crime was up to. Hall of Fame Class of 20?? Wide Receiver , formerly known as Chad Johnson and Chad Ochocinco, hadn't been in the public spotlight since 2014 when he, along with other members of his race, celebrated Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month on a cultural night in Miami.
Hall of Fame Class of 20?? Wide Receiver apparently was envious of Owens' media attention, so he called a press conference to announce his latest ventures. There were only five people in attendance, including John Clayton, who was asleep.
"Hall of Fame Class of 20?? Wide Receiver isn't gonna play football again, he's gonna be a superstar on TV," said Hall of Fame Class of 20?? Wide Receiver, again in the third person.
If you guessed that Hall of Fame Class of 20?? Wide Receiver announced that he would star in more pointless reality TV shows, then, ding, ding, ding, you're the winner.
Hall of Fame Class of 20?? Wide Receiver will first appear on ABC's Watering Garden Plants with the Stars, which will premiere in January. Because of the tremendous ratings success with Dancing with the Stars and Eating Cereal with the Stars, ABC's newest venture is expected to be a smash hit.
"Through heavy marketing research that has cost us hundreds of millions of dollars, we've discovered that most people will watch anything with celebrities," revealed the CEO of ABC. "This is why our spring lineup will consist of nothing but mindless reality TV crap that the brain-dead public will eat up."
After his stint on Watering Garden Plants with the Stars is finished, Owens will move on to FOX to appear on Z-Factor, a new show featuring Simon Cowell. Unlike the X-Factor, in which Cowell graded contestants' vocal talents, Z-Factor will have Cowell criticizing how well people drop a deuce.
"We've already had tryouts, and the contestants were bloody awful," Cowell said. "One bloke even missed the toilet. There was bloody poop on the bloody toilet seat."
Hall of Fame Class of 20?? Wide Receiver also revealed that he will be riding yet another animal for sport. Five years ago it was a bull. This time?
"Hall of Fame Class of 20?? Wide Receiver is gonna ride a camel," said Hall of Fame Class of 20?? Wide Receiver.
Hall of Fame Class of 20?? Wide Receiver's goal on his bull ride was about 10 seconds. His camel ride will be more about endurance and longevity, if you want to call it that.
"We'd like to see if Hall of Fame Class of 20?? Wide Receiver can ride on the camel for 16 hours and 30 minutes," said the NBC producer in charge of So You Think You Can Ride a Camel? "Most celebrities only last an average of 14 hours and 45 minutes, but Hall of Fame Class of 20?? Wide Receiver has the stamina to go beyond the 16-hour mark."