The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Feb. 18, 2019
Emmitt and his friends spent the weekend testing out Justin Bieber's ability. The young pop singer's angelic voice continued to draw in any Walking Buc abominations within earshot. They continued to be mesmerized by Bieber's vocal chords; they had completely stopped their pursuit of sharing various toiletries with the uninfected.
"This is great and all, but how are we going to save the entire world with this?" Josh Gordon said on Friday. "Bieber can't keep going forever."
Bieber did manage to sing throughout the entire weekend, impressively coming up with new songs on the fly, all of which had the word "baby" in it multiple times.
Several uninfected people stopped by to see what was going on, and they were astonished that Emmitt and his crew had found a way to neutralize the Walking Bucs. Several civilians also requested autographs from Emmitt, Johnny Manziel and Bieber. Emmitt and Manziel obliged - and one man wearing a Cowboys' jersey was so happy to see Emmitt that he hugged him - but they told the Bieber fanatics that they didn't want to interrupt his singing because the Walking Bucs would snap out of their daze.
"Now that we're confident that Bieber can stop all of these Walking Bucs in their tracks whenever he sings, we have to find the third scion of the Walking Buc apocalypse so that we can end it all," Manziel said. "Emmitt, open up your trusty atlas so we can find out where to find this third scion."
Emmitt reached into his back pocket, but his eyes popped out of his head when he realized it wasn't there.
"My atlas; he got stolened!" he exclaimed.
"What do you mean it was stolen!?" Gordon shrieked. "How are we going to end this thing if we can't find the third scion!?"
"Emmitt, did you ever take it out of your back pocket?" Manziel asked. "Maybe you misplaced it."
"I never have takened out the atlas from my back pocket or front pocket or side pocket or back pocket," Emmitt answered. "Someone musted have stolened him."
"Emmitt, was there anyone that stood out this weekend?" Manziel asked. "Wait a second, Emmitt, what about that guy in the Cowboys' jersey who hugged you out of the blue? Could he have swiped it?"
"It is very possibles," Emmitt replied. "At first I think he a homophobe because he hug me out of nowhere, but now I realize that he could has been a thieves. And unlike Robin Hoods, he stolened from the rich and give to the rich."
"How are we going to find it!?" Gordon cried.
"I think you know exactly how," Manziel said with a stern expression on his face.
"No... Johnny, no... you know I don't want to do that!" Gordon whined. "I'll get into trouble again!"
"Josh, you have no choice," Manziel snapped. "It's our only shot, and you have to take one for the team."
It took some convincing - and more Gordon sobbing - but they finally forced him to utilize his powers. They asked Jim Irsay to light up a joint and blow smoke into Gordon's face.
"No, not more second-hand smoke, cough, cough," Gordon whimpered.
Minutes later, Gordon's eyes reddened. He was high via the second-hand smoke. Staring at the ground, he pointed west.
"He went that-a-way," Gordon said confidently, beginning to march westward.
"How do he know where to go?" Emmitt asked.
"It's quite simple, Emmitt," Manziel responded. "When Josh is high, he can see magical footprints on the ground leading the person who did him wrong most recently."
Emmitt rubbed his head, trying to soak everything in.
"Come on, Emmitt," Manziel said, placing his hand on Emmitt's shoulder. "Let's get your trusty atlas back."
Emmitt opened his trusty atlas as soon as he and his group returned to the recording studio. Nothing had transpired while they were away, save for a couple dozen more Walking Bucs entering the area to hear Justin Bieber's sweet, melodic voice.
"So, where's the third scion, Emmitt?" Johnny Manziel asked, as Emmitt opened the book.
"Well, he definitely not in the city of Antarctica," Emmitt said, turning a page. "And he definitely not in the city of Europe."
Sure enough, three spots were glowing on the U.S. map. Two were in Beverly Hills, while the third was in Texas.
"We has to go back to the country of Texas," Emmitt announced. "The third stop scion is there, awaiting for us."
"There's just one problem," said DeSean Jackson, who was peering over Emmitt's shoulder. "We barely escaped Texas the first time, and now we have to cross the Snozzberry blockade again.
An explosion was heard in the distance. Emmitt and his friends rushed outside to see what was going on, and they could hardly believe their eyes. Gus Bradley, the Secretary of Education of Snozzberry, was sitting in a tank. He had a few dozen people by his side, all staring jealously at the recording studio.
"Give us your recording studio, and no one will be harmed!" Bradley shouted into his megaphone. "If you fail to comply, I will kill this old man here whom all of you really love!"
Bradley revealed Bob Kraft, who was chained up. He looked terribly shaken, almost as if he hadn't eaten Arby's in an entire week. Meanwhile, the people who accompanied Bradley suddenly looked unsure of themselves.
"We're leaving the recording studio anyway," Manziel yelled back. "You can have it."
"I can't hear what you're saying!' Bradley yelled into his megaphone. "We're going to kill you all if you don't give us the recording studio, beginning with your precious Mr. Kraft here!"
"We said you can have it!" Jim Irsay screamed at the top of his lungs. Bradley, who finally heard the message, put down the megaphone.
"Well, if I can have it, there's no reason for Mr. Kraft to live anymore, is there?" Bradley yelled, grabbing Kraft and tossing him into the crowd of the Walking Buc monsters. The Walking Bucs, still entranced by Justin Bieber, didn't offer Kraft any of their various toiletries, but Kraft's skin brushed up against theirs, and there was little doubt that he was infected.
"Can I have one more Arby's sandwich before I turn!?" Kraft whimpered. "Please, I'll do anything for an Arby's ... Arby's ... Ar... napkin ... tissue ... must share tissue ... ooohh, that's a pretty voice."
"You monster!" Ray Rice barked. "Now that I'm not afraid to beat up men anymore, I'm going to kick your butt!"
Rice didn't need to. Bradley's new friends grabbed him themselves.
"We thought you were a good guy!" a lesbian chick bellowed. "It's not like we even knew you to begin with, but when you showed up, we assumed you were good for no apparent reason. You told us you weren't going to harm anyone, and that these people were the true enemy, but you're the bad guy!"
"Yeah, you are a scumbag!" shouted the lesbian chick's hotter, older sister. "I even let you befriend my young daughter, and it's your fault that she's a Walking Buc even though I was dumb enough to let her play outside by herself in this Walking Buc apocalypse!"
The two women, along with a host of others, grabbed Bradley and tossed him into the same pile in which Bradley threw Kraft.
"My precious Chad Henne, I'll join you soon!" Bradley gasped before transforming into a Walking Buc himself.
The two women approached Emmitt, but Rice stepped in front of him. Manziel and Jackson tried to stop him, but were relieved when Rice didn't throw a punch. Instead, he extended his hand.
"I thought all women were evil," Rice said, calmly. "Now I see that it is wrong to punch them in elevators and drag them across hotel lobbies."
He embraced the two women and smiled in the presence of a female for the first time in a long while.
THE THIRD SCION OF THE WALKING BUC APOCALYPSE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Feb. 20, 2019
Emmitt and his crew rested Monday night and made preparations to leave for Texas by Tuesday afternoon so that they could arrive Wednesday morning.
They had to make sure the throng of Walking Buc corpses that were entranced by Justin Bieber's music wouldn't follow them, so they made an endless recording of Bieber's melodic voice. The women who were with the Secretary of Education of Snozzberry agreed to stay behind to make sure the tape played. With the Walking Bucs gathered around the recording studio, every uninfected person would be safe.
Emmitt, Ray Rice, Josh Gordon, Jerry Jones, Johnny Manziel, DeSean Jackson, Jim Irsay and Justin Bieber piled into Jackson's Toyota Sienna by nightfall and drove off toward Texas. Bieber provided them with some fabulous music.
We're driving to Texas, baby
Oh, baby, baby. Oh, baby, baby
Driving to Texas, baby
"He truly has the voice of an angel," Jackson said with a tear in his eye.
Without anyone on the road, or anything to stop them - there were no road blockades, or cannibalistic towns this time - Emmitt and his gang made great time, and they had reached Texas by high noon.
"So, we in the country of Texas ... wait, this sound fullmiliar," Emmitt said, deep in thought. "Wait, this where I play football that one time for the team call the Cowboy!"
"Yes, Emmitt, you played here for us," Jerry Jones confirmed. "This was back when we always went to the playoffs and I didn't have to give any playoff tickets away."
"So, where do we go now, Emmitt?" Gordon said, interrupting the two.
"What do you mean, where do we goes?" Emmitt asked. "We in the country of Texas, where we suppose to be, and we has to find the third stop scion, so look out for a red circle with the words "STOP" on itselves. I do not know what S-T-O-P mean though."
"We're not looking for a stop sign, Emmitt," Manziel said. "Open your atlas to the Texas page so we can locate the third scion.
Emmitt quickly scanned the atlas and saw that the eastern part of Texas was glowing.
"It say we has to go to Montgomery county, but I am confuse, very confuse," Emmitt said. "We already in the country of Texas, so how can a country be insides another country?"
No one responded to Emmitt's question, and Jackson continued to drive eastward. The atlas once again began to hum as they entered Montgomery county, and it was loud when they drove up to a huge house. A large, bald, black man was sitting on his rocking chair, holding a sharp stick.
"You've finally arrived," the man said, standing up. "The name's Adrian Peterson, and I've been waiting for you all for quite a while."