The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Nov. 6, 2014
When you're 8-0 in the NFL, everyone should be singing your praises. TV analysts should be debating your chances in the playoffs and the Super Bowl. Steve Young should incoherently be ranting about your guaranteed 16-0 finish.
All of these things were happening until news broke Wednesday that two separate organizations are investigating the Patriots.
The first is the National Football League - Labor Manual Awareness Organization (NFL-LMAO), headed by former Browns and Ravens running back Jamal Lewis.
"Any team that is 8-0 or better from now on will be investigated," explained Lewis, who is in his first year on the job. "Any team that is 8-0 or better is obviously working too hard in practice. Teams that are putting forth just the right amount of effort are supposed to be 4-4 or maybe even 5-3. No team should ever be 8-0. From my experience, it's just not possible."
Emmitt was obviously enraged by Lewis' allegations.
"This is outrageousn... outrage... outrageousnessity!" Emmitt screamed. "When I play in the National League of Conferences, our coaches made us stay after practice until our leg fall off. Then, we would have to do it again the next day and the day after today. As the old saying go, the difference between try and triumph is... uhh... a couple of letter."
The second organization investigating the Patriots is a private firm called East Coast Cats Against Faggots But Not Gays. You can only guess who's running that one.
"Our goal at East Coast Cats Against Faggots But Not Gays is to stop discrimination against gays, yet still hate faggots," said Larry Johnson, the only member of the group. "The word ?faggot' changed into a derogatory slur against obnoxious motorcycle riders back in 2009. We hate those people. We don't hate gay people. I am not gay myself, but I do sometimes like watching other men get it on. That definitely doesn't make me gay though. I'm an East Coast Cat!"
Johnson's friend, Daunte Culpepper, hacked into offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels' e-mail inbox and found the following e-mail addressed to Jeff Fisher:
"Yo dewd, I am totaly gonna kick you're a** this Sunday! My offense is like so much better than ur offense. You're quarterback is Jay Cutler! Eww! Cutler is gay. Josh McDaniels for the win."
McDaniels got the Patriots into more hot water when he commented on Johnson's investigation.
"L-O-L no one takes Larry Johnson seriously," McDaniels giggled. "He's so gay, he's beyond gay. Josh McDaniels for the win."
Emmitt, who overheard this, ran over and slapped McDaniels upside the head. Emmitt then commented on his offensive coordinator.
"My offensive coordination done have lost his doggone mind," Emmitt said. "He is obviously not homophones, he is just moron. Very moron."
A pretty ironic statement to say the least.
PATRIOTS, TITANS SET RECORDS IN DUAL VICTORIES
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Nov. 10, 2014
It was a day NFL fans will never forget.
The Patriots advanced the opening kickoff against Tennessee to their own 35. Quarterback Anthony Morelli took the snap, staggered a bit, fired the ball downfield and had it picked off by the Titans.
Morelli then wandered off toward Tennessee's sideline before being informed that he was going to the wrong team's bench.
"I have one too many drink... hic... before game," Morelli said after the contest was over. "I drink 85 beers and do 45 shots... hic..."
The Titans took over on their own 30. Jay Cutler got the ball out of the shotgun, rolled out to the right, fired it late over the middle and had it intercepted. Cutler nonchalantly went back to his bench.
Morelli's second throw suffered the same fate as his first.
"Eh yo, I throw ball and ball go wrong way!" Morelli shouted to no one in particular. "I don't know what happening!"
Cutler's second throw was an interception. Morelli's third pass was also picked off. As was Cutler's.
These quarterbacks went back and forth tossing picks all afternoon. By halftime, each guy had 89 interceptions.
Emmitt scolded Morelli and Josh McDaniels at halftime.
"Anthony Morgan, you have the brain of a golden brick, but you also have the alcohol of a golden... uhh... thing that have alcohol," Emmitt barked. "And Josh McDonald's, this is the worst play-calling I have ever seened! Why do we not have any running plays? Let's take the field in the second halves, give the ball to our running back I forget his name, and win this doggone football games!"
Prior to the opening kickoff of the third quarter, however, there was a startling announcement. Vince Young, a Hall of Fame quarterback, walked toward the center of the field and declared that he would be the steady quarterback for both teams. Neither squad argued; no one ever questions a Hall of Fame quarterback.
Young led touchdown drives for both the Titans and Patriots. After the second score, Young once again addressed everyone in the stadium.
"I have done my part," Young said. "I'm the greatest quarterback who has ever lived. All I do is win football games. I've won games for both of these teams today. As a Hall of Fame quarterback, I declare that New England is 9-0 and the Titans are now 3-6. Goodbye, everyone. Until next time."
As everyone cheered, Young teleported out of the stadium.
"This is why no one ever question the intelligent of a Hall of Fame quarterback," Emmitt said. "Anthony Morgan show up drunk and Josh McDonald's show up stupid, but in the end, we win the football game because we have good will, good mindset and good powerful. Very good powerful."
Perhaps one day, people like Larry Johnson and Jamal Lewis will stop questioning the "good powerful" of Emmitt Smith and his Patriots.