Emmitt on the Brink - Season 2: Week 10
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Nov. 6, 2014
When you're 8-0 in the NFL, everyone should be singing your praises. TV analysts should be debating your chances in the playoffs and the Super Bowl. Steve Young should incoherently be ranting about your guaranteed 16-0 finish.
All of these things were happening until news broke Wednesday that two separate organizations are investigating the Patriots.
The first is the National Football League - Labor Manual Awareness Organization (NFL-LMAO), headed by former Browns and Ravens running back Jamal Lewis.
"Any team that is 8-0 or better from now on will be investigated," explained Lewis, who is in his first year on the job. "Any team that is 8-0 or better is obviously working too hard in practice. Teams that are putting forth just the right amount of effort are supposed to be 4-4 or maybe even 5-3. No team should ever be 8-0. From my experience, it's just not possible."
Emmitt was obviously enraged by Lewis' allegations.
"This is outrageousn... outrage... outrageousnessity!" Emmitt screamed. "When I play in the National League of Conferences, our coaches made us stay after practice until our leg fall off. Then, we would have to do it again the next day and the day after today. As the old saying go, the difference between try and triumph is... uhh... a couple of letter."
The second organization investigating the Patriots is a private firm called East Coast Cats Against Faggots But Not Gays. You can only guess who's running that one.
"Our goal at East Coast Cats Against Faggots But Not Gays is to stop discrimination against gays, yet still hate faggots," said Larry Johnson, the only member of the group. "The word ‘faggot' changed into a derogatory slur against obnoxious motorcycle riders back in 2009. We hate those people. We don't hate gay people. I am not gay myself, but I do sometimes like watching other men get it on. That definitely doesn't make me gay though. I'm an East Coast Cat!"
Johnson's friend, Daunte Culpepper, hacked into offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels' e-mail inbox and found the following e-mail addressed to Jeff Fisher:
"Yo dewd, I am totaly gonna kick you're a** this Sunday! My offense is like so much better than ur offense. You're quarterback is Jay Cutler! Eww! Cutler is gay. Josh McDaniels for the win."
McDaniels got the Patriots into more hot water when he commented on Johnson's investigation.
"L-O-L no one takes Larry Johnson seriously," McDaniels giggled. "He's so gay, he's beyond gay. Josh McDaniels for the win."
Emmitt, who overheard this, ran over and slapped McDaniels upside the head. Emmitt then commented on his offensive coordinator.
"My offensive coordination done have lost his doggone mind," Emmitt said. "He is obviously not homophones, he is just moron. Very moron."
A pretty ironic statement to say the least.
PATRIOTS, TITANS SET RECORDS IN DUAL VICTORIES
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Nov. 10, 2014
It was a day NFL fans will never forget.
The Patriots advanced the opening kickoff against Tennessee to their own 35. Quarterback Anthony Morelli took the snap, staggered a bit, fired the ball downfield and had it picked off by the Titans.
Morelli then wandered off toward Tennessee's sideline before being informed that he was going to the wrong team's bench.
"I have one too many drink... hic... before game," Morelli said after the contest was over. "I drink 85 beers and do 45 shots... hic..."
The Titans took over on their own 30. Jay Cutler got the ball out of the shotgun, rolled out to the right, fired it late over the middle and had it intercepted. Cutler nonchalantly went back to his bench.
Morelli's second throw suffered the same fate as his first.
"Eh yo, I throw ball and ball go wrong way!" Morelli shouted to no one in particular. "I don't know what happening!"
Cutler's second throw was an interception. Morelli's third pass was also picked off. As was Cutler's.
These quarterbacks went back and forth tossing picks all afternoon. By halftime, each guy had 89 interceptions.
Emmitt scolded Morelli and Josh McDaniels at halftime.
"Anthony Morgan, you have the brain of a golden brick, but you also have the alcohol of a golden... uhh... thing that have alcohol," Emmitt barked. "And Josh McDonald's, this is the worst play-calling I have ever seened! Why do we not have any running plays? Let's take the field in the second halves, give the ball to our running back I forget his name, and win this doggone football games!"
Prior to the opening kickoff of the third quarter, however, there was a startling announcement. Vince Young, a Hall of Fame quarterback, walked toward the center of the field and declared that he would be the steady quarterback for both teams. Neither squad argued; no one ever questions a Hall of Fame quarterback.
Young led touchdown drives for both the Titans and Patriots. After the second score, Young once again addressed everyone in the stadium.
"I have done my part," Young said. "I'm the greatest quarterback who has ever lived. All I do is win football games. I've won games for both of these teams today. As a Hall of Fame quarterback, I declare that New England is 9-0 and the Titans are now 3-6. Goodbye, everyone. Until next time."
As everyone cheered, Young teleported out of the stadium.
"This is why no one ever question the intelligent of a Hall of Fame quarterback," Emmitt said. "Anthony Morgan show up drunk and Josh McDonald's show up stupid, but in the end, we win the football game because we have good will, good mindset and good powerful. Very good powerful."
Perhaps one day, people like Larry Johnson and Jamal Lewis will stop questioning the "good powerful" of Emmitt Smith and his Patriots.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - May 17
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 16
2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 15
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 3
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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