Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011





JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Crosswalkers

I did stupid things when I was a kid. When I was really young, I smeared cream all over my bedroom wall because it seemed like a good idea at the time. When I was 8, my friend Josh and I fired "cherry bombs" - cherries that we unsuccessfully tried to light on fire with matches - at school buses. And when I was 12, I nearly attempted to diagonally cross a busy intersection on my bike because I didn't understand the concept of crosswalks.

Fortunately, I was with my friends at that moment, and they taught me that you have to cross a busy intersection one street at a time. No wonder I was never invited into the mentally gifted class.

Yes, I was retarded, but I was also a kid. And besides, I know plenty of adults who don't know how to use crosswalks. In fact, I saw three last Monday.

I was on my way to the mechanic to get my headlights fixed - more on that later - when this fat Mexican lady held up the entire intersection because she decided to cross the street when the parallel drivers had a left-turn arrow. The drivers weren't able to turn left because it took her about a minute to wobble over to the opposing sidewalk, so they were stuck in the intersection when the light turned green.

What seemed like hours later, I stopped at the next intersection. I spotted this hot Mexican chick standing on the corner. I'm lucky the light was red because I definitely would have crashed my car trying to check her out while driving.

The light turned green, but I couldn't drive because the hot Mexican chick decided to cross the street in front of me.

Look, I know they don't have any traffic lights or cars in Mexico, but when you sneak into this country illegally, you should at least ask someone how crosswalks work. People say that deer and people on cell phones cause the most vehicular accidents. I disagree. It's illegal immigrants who don't know how to cross the road.

Americans, meanwhile, know how to cross the street. We just do so violently.

On my way back from the mechanic, I stopped at a red light about two minutes away from my house (Bustleton and Byberry, if you live in the Philly area). A car in the lane to my right zoomed past me, blatantly running the red light. This prevented some woman from turning left even though she was halfway into the intersection. She tried to back up her vehicle, but there were already people behind her.

This poor female driver was blocking the crosswalk. Now, this wouldn't be an issue for any sane person. Unfortunately, this ridiculous-looking woman was crossing the street at that very moment. She was an old, fat lady with a white afro. She was wearing a royal blue baseball cap and a light blue t-shirt. She was also carrying two paper bags, presumably concealing bottles of liquor.

When the old hag approached the aforementioned car, she could have just gone around a little bit. Instead, she angrily slammed her fist on the hood of the car twice. She then yelled something at the female driver and continued her journey across the street.

There was no reason for her to be so angry. Unless, of course, she was drunkenly venting her frustration about the pharmacy being sold out of afro combs.

My light eventually turned green, and I drove home. Luckily, I didn't run over any Mexican chicks in the process.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Russian Mechanics

As promised, I'm going to discuss my interesting trip to the mechanic.

I had a headlight problem. First of all, my left headlight wasn't working. More seriously, the glass protecting the headlight was cracked, so I needed that fixed. There's a mechanic right next to my mom's dental office, so she told me that she spoke to them. They asked me to come in around 3, and that's exactly what I did.

I pulled into the mechanic, and I immediately recognized that it was a shady Russian operation. How did I know this? Well, there were angry-looking people with slicked-back hair wearing track suits and smoking cigarettes. All shady Russians wear track suits, gel their hair back and smoke cigarettes. Fact.

Suddenly, this Russian version of Lurch approached my car.

Russian Lurch: Vhat you vant?

Me: Umm... I was supposed to get my headlight fixed.

Russian Lurch: Go cross zee street.

At least that's what I think he said. I looked behind me and noticed a building with a sign that said, "Credit Repair! Hair Salon! Computer repair!" All in one building, eh? Yeah, that's not a front for a Russian drug cartel, or anything.

Before Russian Lurch was able to kick me out, the owner of the place approached me.

Owner: Who send you?

Me: My mom spoke to you earlier. I have to get my headlight fixed.

Owner: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Your mazher say you come.

I handed Russian Lurch my car keys. He pulled my car into the shop and began tinkering with the headlight. After about five minutes, I started to get restless.

Me: How long do you think this will take?

Russian Lurch: Yes.

What? Since when did that become a yes-or-no question? I asked again.

Me: No, I mean how long do you think it'll take you to fix this?

Russian Lurch: Yes.

Ugh. I thought about asking a third time, but I noticed this shady bald guy in a blue track suit leering at me. Was I asking Russian Lurch questions I wasn't supposed to? I thought I'd lighten the mood by saying hello.

Me: Hey, how ya doing?

Bald Man: ...

Bald Man said nothing. He scowled back. I was about to s*** my pants out of fear, when the owner approached me again.

Owner: Vill be ready een 15 minutes.

I went over to my mom's lab to kill some time. Fifteen minutes later, I walked back to the mechanic.

Owner: Car fix. I need to call junkyard to see how much part is cost.

Me: OK. How much do I owe you?

Owner: I call you.

Now, I know what you're thinking - this guy is cool with me owing him money? I don't have to pay him at all right?

See, that just shows me that you know nothing about Russians. If I don't pay him within several days of that phone call, Russian Lurch will put a Russian horse's head in my bed. And chances are the horse's head will have a cigarette in its mouth.




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Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2016: December Heat Wave
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2016: The Top Five Jerks of 2015
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2015: Christmas Shopping Without a Baby
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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2015: Jerks at My Sister's Wedding - Part 2
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 15, 2014: Idiots at the Gym
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Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
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Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
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Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
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Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Feb. 7


2017 NFL Mock Draft - Feb. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - Feb. 4


2016 NBA Mock Draft - Feb. 2


NFL Free Agents


Fantasy Football Rankings - Jan. 15






Jerks of the Week for May 16, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Conspiracy Theorists

Writing online is great because of the instant feedback. Unlike publishing a book or working for a newspaper, I can instantly get praised or slammed for something just seconds after posting it.

That was the case in my Jerk of the Year rant about Rashard Mendenhall. About an hour after publishing it, I received an e-mail from a former military person, thanking me for calling out Mendenhall for being a complete ignorant moron. Throughout the week, I obtained several other e-mails and Facebook messages that sounded pretty similar.

And then there was the other end of the spectrum. Some people, mainly those in the comment section of that particular Jerks of the Week entry, berated me for criticizing Mendenhall because of his right to free speech. This was hypocritical, because in doing so, they were attacking me for my free speech. I guess that's what happens when people sniff glue for five hours and then proceed to use the Internet.

Meanwhile, there were a handful of crazy people who actually believed Mendenhall's claims that a plane couldn't have possibly destroyed the World Trade Center. Two guys, Adam and Lamar, flooded my Facebook wall with ridiculous conspiracy theories. Here were some of their posts:

  • Mendenhall was right: 9/11 was an Inside Job by the American Govt. Just research the facts before you start trashing me. Research Building 7 of the World Trade Center. It was a controlled demolition by the Govt.

  • Walter- the govt has been using Bin Laden as a boogieman for years on us..he is a hoax!!! as is Obama- wake up sheeple!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Did you read what rockefeller states in his own memoris ??? Are you just dont lik being called a sheeple?

  • Im sorry but there is no way on gods green earth that a cave dweller with little flying experince on a single engine Cesna was able to perfectly fly a Boeing 757 at 500+ MPH and crash land it PERFECTLY into the side of the worlds most safest building...do you?

  • I just want you guys to remember when the $ no longer the worlds reserve currency by the end of next year and America is a 3rd world country, you will remember this very here post....And I now have more respect for Rasard Mendenhall then ever, ever b4!

    I nearly lost my mind reading crap like this over the first two days of the week. I never get angry about anything, but I finally snapped on Wednesday:

    I've had enough of this nonsense. Every few years, there's a new conspiracy theory that dopes like Lamar and Adam buy into. "America is done!" they chant. And they are always wrong. Fortunately, other idiots buy into these retarded conspiracy theories, which drives the market down a bit. That's when the smart people buy stocks and eventually make lots of money when the market rebounds. It always rebounds.

    When the dollar is not in shambles at the end of the year, Adam, Lamar, and others of their ilk will crawl back into their holes and wait until the next moronic, unfounded conspiracy surfaces so they can blindly follow that like the "sheeple" they truly are.


    Two quick notes about conspiracy theorists:

    1. Conspiracy theorists exist only because these people realize that their existence in the universe is so small and insignificant, that they need to believe there is some omnipotent puppet master pulling all of the strings. It's essentially like some religion - except little boys don't get molested.

    2. As you may have noticed, they like to use made-up words like "sheeple." This makes them feel important. They think of these dumb words while eating Cheetos and whacking off to beastiality porn in their parents' basement.

    Having said that, I wish I didn't get so mad because Adam and Lamar actually did me a favor. Later that night when I was in the shower - calm down, ladies - I really did some thinking, and I've come up with an awesome conspiracy theory of my own.

    Following in the footsteps of the Fall of the Republic creators, I've compiled an extensive documentary, using seemingly impressive, but bogus sources and flashy images.

    Behold, my awesome documentary, Rise of the Alien Squirrels!

    Narrator: Squirrels. Small rodents that roam our streets. They dig into our trash. They pick up acorns. They climb trees. They're insignificant pests.

    Or are they...?



    Narrator: Have you ever wondered why all squirrels look the same? You're not alone. Have you ever wondered why there are no fat squirrels? No small squirrels? No baby squirrels? You're not alone. Have you ever wondered where squirrels go at night or during the winter? You're not alone.

    *** Close up of the narrator ***

    Narrator: Have you ever wondered if squirrels are aliens who plan on taking over the world? If so, you're definitely not alone.

    *** Eerie music ***

    Confusing voices in the background: Squirrels. Aliens. Squirrels. Acorns. They look the same. No baby squirrels. No fat squirrels. No squirrels at night. Squirrels. Aliens. Squirrels. Acorns.

    Narrator: Where did squirrels come from? What is their purpose here? What do they have in store for us?

    Adam Dee, author of the book, "All Cheetahs Worship Satan": Why is no one asking these questions? Where do squirrels go during the winter? They don't appear to have wings, so they don't fly south. They don't live in nests. They don't live underground like groundhogs. Where do they go?

    *** Eerie music ***

    Narrator: The answer may not be below, as in a hole. It might just be above... as in the sky.

    Lamar Savitch, author of the book, "Your Toaster Could Be Your Soulmate": It really puzzles me that no one realizes how similar squirrels and aliens look... The only question I have is, "Which planet did the squirrels come from?"



    Lamar Savitch: They both have gray skin. They both have deep, black eyes. It's only a matter of time before people begin noticing this, and it's only a matter of time before they enslave us all.

    Alex Jones, author of the book, "Don't Eat That Pepperoni Pizza - It Could Be Possessed": Squirrels don't have an alien ship in space. They have an armada of alien ships in space. There's no questioning that. Satellites detected something a few weeks ago. Was it a weather balloon? A helicopter? Or... a fleet of squirrel warships?

    *** Eerie music ***

    Narrator: But who is behind all this? Who is allowing the squirrels to roam our streets?



    Narrator: Could the U.S. President be involved? What does he know?

    Confusing voices in the background: Squirrels. Aliens. Squirrels. Acorns. Obama. Teleprompter.

    Rashard Mendenhall: There are two schools of thought. One, Barack Obama has a deal with the Squirrel Emperor. The squirrels provide all the energy he'll need to fake more terrorist attacks, and he lets squirrels collect their acorns. The second is much scarier. It's that Obama is a squirrel himself. That would explain his fake birth certificate.

    *** Eerie music ***

    Narrator: But what is the purpose of collecting these acorns? What does the Squirrel Emperor plan to do with them?

    Tom Cruise, author of the book, "Mermaids Will Take Over the World in the 27th Century": Scientists have proven that a single acorn can light up a city for eight years. Imagine what the Squirrel Emperor is doing with hundreds of acorns. He is planning to destroy this planet with his acorn energy.

    *** Eerie music ***

    Narrator: How long do we have until the squirrels destroy us all? Can our civilization survive? What can we do to stop the squirrels? Buy the full-length DVD copy of Rise of the Alien Squirrels, available for $19.95 on Amazon.com, to find out!


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