Emmitt on the Brink – Season 12: Week 12

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

GOVERNMENT PLANS TO TAKE ACTION AGAINST EMMITT

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Jan. 7, 2021

There’s a new congressman on the scene, and he plans to remove Emmitt as the commissioner of the NFL. He’s a hotshot from a New York city district, one where rich kids move to in order to be away from their hard-working parents. These rich kids are very passionate about saving the environment, but don’t really do anything about it, save for writing bad poetry at Starbucks. They, with the heavy backing of young people who like turkey sandwiches, elected a new congressman to make a difference in society.

“I am like so like honored to like be like voted into like congress and like stuff like you know,” said new congressman Alejandro Octagon-Vortex. “I am like going to like make a big like difference and like stuff like you know.”

Octagon-Vortex touted his worldly experience as being a major strength. He was a bartender after graduating with an expensive liberal arts degree, so he naturally feels like he has plenty of worldly experience.

Octagon-Vortex made it clear that he’s not pleased with Emmitt.

“I was like streaming like the news and like stuff and they were like talking about how like there was like collusion and like stuff with like Emmitt and like stuff and like they were like Emmitt should be like impeached because there was like collusion and like stuff and like collusion is like really bad for like the environment and like stuff you know,” Octagon-Vortex said.

We’re not completely sure what collusion has to do with the environment, but Octagon-Vortex continued to rant.

“Emmitt is like treating like his like employees like they are in like concentration camps and like stuff, like they have to like concentrate and stuff you know and like that’s like a really bad way to like treat people and like stuff and like concentration camps are like really bad for like the environment and stuff you know,” Octagon-Vortex ranted.

A Holocaust survivor reached out to Octagon-Vortex, chiding the young congressman for making a nonsensical comparison to the planned extinction of a race.

“Using words like extinction is like cultural appropriation and like stuff and like if you’re using words like extinction and like stuff you’re like echoing like hate speech from like bad guys and like stuff, which means you’re like a bad guy, and bad guys are like really bad for the environment and like stuff you know,” Octagon-Vortex said.

Octagon-Vortex then drafted his proposed environmental plan on a napkin, using ketchup to write on it.

“This is like the plan we like have to do and like if you disagree with it, you’re like a bigot and bigots are like bad for the environment and like stuff you know,” Octagon-Vortex said.

Octagon-Vortex’s plan to fix the environment is four-fold.

“First, we have to like get rid of like bad guys and stuff like you know,” Octagon-Vortex said. “Second, we have to like get rid of like concentration camps and like stuff because there are like so many of them like nowadays and like we have to get rid of them and stuff because like concentrating is like hard and stuff. Third, we like have to get rid of like ducks and stuff because like when ducks poop in the water and stuff, they like cause harm to the environment and like stuff, you know. Fourth, we have to call for like the impeachment of like Emmitt and stuff because like Emmitt is like really bad for the environment and like stuff, you know.”

Octagon-Vortex’s new congressman friend, Ilya Hatesamerica, agreed.

“Emmitt did very bad things, and he must be punished,” Hatesamerica said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go on a date with my sister, I mean, wife.”

Despite two congressmen now calling for Emmitt’s impeachment, Emmitt was not concerned in the slightest.

“People always askin’ me if I concern about impeachment,” Emmitt said. “I do not understand why I would be concern. Impeachment one of my favorite vegetable, so if they give me impeachment, I gonna eat a lot of impeachment.”

We explained that impeachment meant to Emmitt. This angered him.

“If these congress do no like football, they can make like a tree and leaf, and they can go to other sport and improof it,” Emmitt thundered.

There were predictable cries of racism almost instantly, as Octagon-Vortex and Hatesamerica styled themselves as victims during a press conference hours later. No one really cared, however, save for our peers in the media and blue check-marked losers on Twitter.