Emmitt on the Brink – Season 4: Week 9

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Nov. 1, 2016

Emmitt is no longer the head coach of the Patriots, but that doesn’t mean the antics have stopped in New England. In the first such move ever in the history of the NFL, head coach JaMarcus Russell became the head coach-quarterback of his team.

How can a head coach also be the quarterback? Well, that’s what happens when Tom Brady goes down with an injury.

“Haha guy name Brody got twist in knee and doctor guy say he can’t play because he have injure, do ya tink so?” Russell asked/said to the media.

Thanks to the retirement of Anthony Morelli, the 5-1 Patriots turned to Russell, the head coach, over Curtis Painter.

“I have no idea why teams start drunken quarterbacks and brain-dead head coaches over me,” Painter said while brushing his beautiful blond hair. “I mean, I suck, but I don’t think I’m that bad. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my weekly perm appointment.”

Russell’s debut didn’t go too well. Coaching his own offense, Russell tried calling a play to himself, but all he heard was radio feedback in his own headset. This resulted in 25 consecutive delay-of-game penalties.

“Radio not working haha,” Russell said. “When tings don’t work, I like to break tings so maybe it work, but usually do not work haha, do ya tink so?”

Stuck with a first-and-30 on his own one-eighth yard line, Russell ditched the broke headset, looked at the play sheet and decided on a call for himself. He went with a defensive formation.

“I listen to the TV other day and guy on TV say that defense win championships,” Russell said. “So why not I play defense on offense times, haha?”

That didn’t work so well. All the Patriot players were confused and shifting around the football field frantically. The center, playing down as the nose tackle, snapped the ball back, but Russell, playing safety, was standing out of the end zone. New England was whistled for a safety.

“I tawt score points in end zone mean you score points, but referee give point to other team, I dunno what happens!” Russell shouted in complete bewilderment.

New England ultimately lost, 94-0. Russell took no blame for the loss, however.

“Tom Cable say bad tings to me before game and make me sad,” Russell whimpered. “Plus I have booger in nose that stuck dere all game. How can play when booger in nose, do ya tink so?”

With Brady out indefinitely, this is definitely going to be a long season for the Patriots.