Emmitt on the Brink – Season 5: Week 6

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Oct. 5, 2017

All these years, we’ve been wondering what happens behind the closed doors of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s estate. Sure, we’ve seen the lavish exterior – the arbor, the platinum and diamond statues of Goodell, and of course the crocodile-infest moat – but never has anyone laid eyes on anything inside the $50 million residence. Until now.

Thanks to the appalling, dying admission of replacement official Jerry Frump, the courts had given permission to Emmitt and the media to enter the mansion to question and a possibly arrest Goodell for his alleged leadership role in Bountygate II.

So there we were – marching right behind Emmitt toward Goodell’s front door. Fortunately, the drawbridge was down, so we were able to cross without being eaten by hungry crocodiles. Emmitt approached the front door, which was covered in rubies, sapphires and emeralds, and cavalierly pushed it open without even knocking. Emmitt was so cool and confident that we briefly forgot that he can’t put a proper sentence together if his life depended on it.

Goodell was standing in the hallway, glancing up at a giant, oval-shaped mirror hanging on the wall. The frame of the mirror was pure gold, while the glass itself was the cleanest and most reflective we had ever seen. Goodell suddenly spoke, addressing the mirror.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest sports commissioner of them all?” Goodell asked.

“You, my Goodell, are fairest of all,” the mirror replied. “But there are a**holes here who disagree.”

Goodell turned out, his mouth agape, as he was completely taken unawares.

“How did you… how did you get past my hungry crocodiles?” Goodell asked. “I stopped feeding them sacrificed babies for several months so that they would be extra ferocious when intruders approached my humble abode.”

Still expressing unwavering confidence, Emmitt completely ignored Goodell’s question.

“I am gonna be askin’ the question here,” Emmitt declared, motioning Goodell over to a chair. Goodell obeyed the implied command and sat down.

“I talk to the replacin’ official yesterday Jerry Fr… uhh… Fr… uhh… the Jerry on the day before today,” Emmitt said. “The Jerry tolded me that you order him to shove the hamster animal and mayonnaise animal into the player backside. The Jerry then kill himselves, which lead me to belief that he tellin’ the bald-face truth.”

Goodell broke down in tears instantly.

“Yes, yes, I did it, I did it,” Goodell whimpered. “I gave the Jerry – I mean Jerry Frump the orders to do all that but… wait… did you just say that mayonnaise was an animal?”

Emmitt didn’t answer the question; instead, he revealed the handcuffs he bought at the local sex shop earlier that morning.

“I’m placin’ you under the rest,” Emmitt said to a shocked Goodell. “Whatever you say may or may not be use against you in the court of law or in the court of basketball. You has a right to a att… att… uhh… the att thing that come after the word I just say.”

Everything seemed to be going smoothly – until Goodell was released from jail an hour later. Emmitt addressed the confused media in a press conference later that day.

“Yes, for those of you who do not see the news on the radio, I release Roger Goldman from under the rest,” Emmitt said. “I talk to him in jail, and he tolded me that he only do the thing with the Jerry because he under the dress. Somebody kidnap one of his statue, or statuenap one of his statue, and the bad guy telled him he not goin’ see the statue unless he get some player to shove hamster and mayonnaise in the backside.”

So Goodell wasn’t the true mastermind? He was doing this because he was under duress? Duress from whom? Fortunately, Emmitt has a lead.

“Roger Goodman sayed to me that all road lead to Dallas, that somethin’ funny goin’ on in the state of Dallas,” Emmitt said. I look on Mapquests, and he shown me direction to get to Dallas from this country, but he very confuse myselves, so I hire a guy who read the Mapquest to help me go back to Dallas, where I onced play for the Cowboy.”

So, no arrest, but if Emmitt ever makes it back to Dallas, perhaps he’ll have a better idea as to whom the Bountygate II mastermind is.