Emmitt on the Brink – Season 2: Week 1

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2014 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!

PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Sept. 4, 2014

A year ago today, Jets head coach Eric Mangini ratted out Bill Belichick for spying on his team for a second time, prompting NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to replace Belichick with former ESPN analyst Emmitt Smith.

Though the move was intended as a punishment, the Patriots would go on to win the AFC Championship. This offseason, Goodell made the move permanent; until Emmitt retires, he will be coaching New England no matter what transpires.

So here we are, a year later, and we’re back at the scene of the crime. Patriots-Jets. Week 1.

Though this figures to be an intense divisional matchup, Mangini surprised the media by focusing on something else besides this game.

“I’m having my first-annual NFL Kickoff Slumber Party at my house Saturday night,” Mangini exclaimed. “All of my cool friends are going to be there like Randy Moss, Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald. We’re going to have pizza, ice cream cake and Nintendo Wii. I even told Shannon Sharpe that the party’s next weekend so he doesn’t come over and ruin things for me.”

It’s pretty clear that Mangini and Sharpe don’t exactly have a mutual friendship, though the two are working together for the first time.

Remember, this is Mangini�s third year in his second term as the Jets coach. Mangini took over again once Rex Ryan got into trouble for ordering hookers for all of his players the night after a victory. The front office told the media they needed someone less risky than Ryan.

“Yeah, it’s true that Shannon Sharpe is my offensive coordinator this year,” Mangini vented. “I wanted someone cool to be my offensive coordinator, but my parents made me do it. They said I couldn’t have my slumber party if Shannon wasn’t my offensive coordinator. I just hope this doesn’t ruin my chances with Erin Andrews…”

Sharpe, meanwhile, seemed excited at the prospect of working with his good buddy.

“OIGhj4 Ge wEgohoi RG roGirg RHG8h orGp gw e GFeojg,” Sharpe said, though no one understood him.

What the media was expecting to hear from Mangini was an explanation for what was going on with his new star receiver Plaxico Burress.

Burress was arrested last weekend in New York for jaywalking without a license. New York district attorney Robert Morgenthau is once again trying to make an example of Burress; though the normal fine for jaywalking in the Big Apple is $25, Morgenthau wants to send Burress to prison for 50 years.

Unfortunately for Burress, his crappy lawyer was once again at a loss, unaware that he could call for a mistrial because Burress was not getting a fair trial.

“Derrrrr, I dunno what to do here derrrrrr,” said Burress’ attorney earlier in the week.

Without Burress in the lineup, things will be more difficult for New York’s starting quarterback. Perhaps the greater question is who exactly will be under center for the Jets on Sunday. Mangini told the media he made his decision between Mark Sanchez and Brett Ratliff, but didn’t want to announce it just yet.

“Why would I tell you guys this information now?” Mangini asked. “I’m going to announce my starting quarterback at my slumber party. That way all of my cool friends like Randy and Calvin will definitely come.”

Meanwhile, Emmitt told reporters he was struggling to prepare for the Jets without knowing who their quarterback would be.

“I am at a lost,” Emmitt said. “My new offensive coord… uhh… coordination Josh McDonald’s printed out a quotation from the Webline that say, ‘If you do has two quarterback, you do not has any quarterback.’ Does that mean the New York Jet do not have a single quarterback on their roster?

“I am looking at their debt chart right now and I see three or four guys that have the letters Q and B next to their name,” Emmitt continued. “If you put these two letter together, it make the phrase, ‘Quarterback.’ I am puzzle by it. Very puzzle indeed.”

Stay tuned for breaking news when Mangini announces his quarterback. We’ll have it here for you on the NFL Bible Network, where we report all the news – even if it’s not true.