2013: Emmitt on the Brink – Week 20

2013: Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2013 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots in 2013!

PATS KNOCK OFF RAIDERS’ SKELETON CREW; ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL

By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Monday, Jan. 20, 2014

Every year, there are a few teams that rest their starters in Week 16 or Week 17. Despite their perennial lack of success in the playoffs, as WalterFootball.com has pointed out repeatedly, it’s a pretty common occurrence. But never before has a team rested its starters in the AFC Championship. Never, that is, until Sunday afternoon.

ESPN.com’s Ed Werder reported Sunday morning that Al Davis forced head coach/corpse Art Shell to rest any player on the roster who runs a 4.5 40 or faster, including Glandor, Undead Al’s 14-foot, 10-inch, 1,750-pound creation. Werder also reported that Terrell Owens and JaMarcus Russell had a “sexy times” in the shower after Thursday’s practice, even though Owens has been in a mental institution the past two years.

With all of Undead Al’s speed guys out of the lineup, Shell groaned to his assistants, asking them to tell all the linemen to play every position. Despite a drunken Anthony Morelli throwing him the ball, Randy Moss torched converted cornerback Robert Gallery all afternoon.

“Uhh…” Shell said after the loss. “Unnn… Uhhhh… Zzzz…”

So, why did Undead Al bench all of his speedsters? The answer wasn’t clear until after the game. Apparently, Al Davis is sponsoring the first ever 40-Yard Sprint Challenge a week prior to the Super Bowl. Undead Al is asking the fastest people in the world to attend his event. One of his assistants, a green-skinned, three-eyed ogre explained what was going on.

“Our master wants to recruit the fastest people in all the land,” the monster said. “The winner shall receive Master Davis’ finest vial of goat blood. Of course, we all know Glandor is going to win. Master Davis has rested Glandor on purpose to ensure victory, so he can keep the vial to himself! Anyone fast enough can join our Raiders organization! Those who do not qualify shall be turned into vampires or gargoyles. Please, all are welcome to Master Davis’ competition!”

As the ogre indicated, Undead Al was optimistic about Glandor’s chances.

“Glandor… is a great… player,” Davis said. “He runs… a 0.7 40… I hope… he can… run a 0.6 40… allowing me… to keep… my finest… goat blood… Just win… the 40, baby…”

Meanwhile, the Patriots celebrated their AFC Championship victory on the field.

“I do not care who we play next year, or next week,” Emmitt said. “But one thing is for certainty. The New Zealand Patriots has a chance to go to the Doggone Super Bowl!”

Just as Emmitt’s been saying all year.

NFC CHAMPION STILL UNDECIDED

By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Tuesday, Jan. 21, 2014

We were told we were going to get a ruling on the NFC Championship on Monday. Well, the hours went by, and there was no word forthcoming from the commissioner’s office.

Finally, at 8 p.m., Roger Goodell issued a statement.

“I regret to inform you that I have not decided upon a winner in the NFC Championship. I’ve been busy all day deciding whether or not to suspend Matt Jones for taking way too many capsules of Tylenol before a game back in 2010. Reporters, please come back tomorrow. All hail the great Roger Goodell!”

Forty-eight hours ago, the Carolina Panthers were “debacled” by the Philadelphia Eagles, 63-0. The Eagles did not register a single offensive score; instead, they relied upon nine Jake Delhomme-thrown interceptions returned for touchdowns.

So, why all the controversy? Delhomme was heard saying the following after some of his pick-sixes:

“Gosh darn it, I threw it to the guys in the green again! I have to remember that those guys aren’t on my team!”

“Oh jeez, oh jeez, I tossed it to the green guys again, oh boy!”

“Haha, these fools think I’m doing this by accident! Little do they know that I’m… oh s**t! I forgot FOX put a mic in my jersey!”

After the game, Delhomme broke down and told the truth.

“It’s true, I threw the game on purpose!” Delhomme whined. “These guys, they promised me front-row seats at the Super Bowl if I let the Eagles cover the 62-point spread. It was set so high because Vegas knew I’d screw up and let Philly win, but they underestimated me. Muhahaha! I mean, cough, I’m sorry, I won’t do it ever again! Pinky swear!”

After hearing this, Goodell nullified Philadelphia’s victory, claiming that it was simply too unnatural for the Eagles to win an NFC Championship. Goodell said that he would declare a winner on Monday afternoon. Well, it’s Tuesday morning as you’re reading this, and Patriots fans are still holding their breath.

“Now that we have a chance to go to the Super Bowl, we would all like to know who we will be playing for the next 14 days, or the next two weeks, to be more precise,” said Emmitt on Monday night. “We cannot watch game films if we do not have… has… have… have… Gord… has any idea of who will be our oppositioning. From then point on, we can only be debacled and disrespected by every team in the National Football American Conference, so to speak.”