Emmitt on the Brink – Season 5: Week 1

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

ALL SAINTS’ GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Sept. 5, 2017

What is it with the Saints and Patriots? Why can’t these franchises learn from their mistakes? New England, of course, was punished in 2013 because Bill Belichick once again spied on another team in an event that was dubbed Spygate II. The Saints, meanwhile, were severely punished for Bountygate, where defensive coordinator Gregg Williams and other coaches paid their defenders to knock opposing players out of the game.

New Orleans is once again in hot water. Sean Payton, with the help of Williams, who acted as a paid, outside consultant, once again gave money to their own players to commit heinous acts on the football field. Only this time, the coaches’ demands were much more sinister. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell alerted the media of this during yesterday’s press conference.

“It has come to my attention that the New Orleans Saints once again circumvented the salary cap system to put bounties on other players,” Goodell said. “They did not want to give members of other teams concussions or broken bones, or anything like that though. What they aimed to accomplish cannot be said publicly because children could be listening.”

We’ll do it because we’re not pansies like other media networks. Payton and Williams paid their own players to touch others inappropriately. For example, if Payton and Williams handed $1,000 to Jonathan Vilma, he would only have to fondle an opposing quarterback’s junk for several seconds after sacking him. For $5,000, Vilma would sneak into the other team’s locker room and forcibly do stuff orally to a poor individual. And for $10,000? Well, you don’t even want to know. Let’s just say that mayonnaise, hamsters, toast and buttocks were involved.

What was the point of these acts? Goodell shed some light on that.

“It should be obvious what the Saints were doing here,” Goodell stated. “They were trying to intimidate the players on the other team. Not physically, mind you; it was more mental than anything. Think about it. If you’re about to play a contact sport with another guy, would you feel comfortable if he tries to pleasure you sexually? I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.”

Williams and Payton were caught red-handed this time because Falcons’ receiver Roddy White had enough foresight to stash a video camera in his locker. When Vilma approached White carrying a brown hamster, a tub of mayonnaise and two pieces of toast, White knew that he would be the Saints’ final victim.

“Man, I knew they’ve been mayonnaisin’ and hamsterin’ guys’ behinds for years,” White said. “They got Steve Smith a couple of times; that’s why he’s so mad. I always kept a camera hidden so they’d get caught if they tried mayonnaisin’ and hamsterin’ me.”

Williams, meanwhile, expressed deep frustration that they were discovered a second time.

“This is ridiculous,” yelled an irate Williams as he was taken away into custody, “No one ever told me that I can’t pay my players to mayonnaise and hamster other players’ a**holes! What the f***!”

As for Payton? Well, his words caught Goodell’s attention.

“I’m afraid that Roger Goodell will no longer allow me to be the head coach,” Payton lamented. “It shames me that I disappointed my master, who developed this great plan.”

Master? Great plan? What’s going on here?

“There is obviously a conspiracy going on here,” Goodell admitted. “But don’t worry. Not only am I going to cancel all Saints’ games in the near future; I’m also going to put my best man on the job to hunt down this devious mastermind.”

We certainly hope that Goodell’s “best man” is successful. If this is allowed to continue, no one will ever want to play football again.