Emmitt on the Brink – Season 10: Week 4

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

THE DEBACLATION WISPS

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Unknown, Month?, XYZV

Real Emmitt found the streets of his alma mater, the University of Florida City, to be conspicuously empty. Of course, this wasn’t his real former school; it was an evil, parallel one that was created in this alternate universe. Still, the sidewalks weren’t bustling with activity like they were prior to his kidnapping.

“Where everybody goesed?” Real Emmitt asked the striped leopard. The feline put its paw to its mouth to signal Real Emmitt to pipe down.

“The wisps debacled everyone,” the striped leopard whispered. “Those who survived are in hiding. We used to have just a few people injured via debaclation, but they’ve magnified ever since you entered the alternate universe. We have to be careful to avoid them.”

Real Emmitt had seen these things firsthand. They were white, cloud-like entities that moved about and debacled people. It is said that humans and animals alike can survive only a handful of debaclations. Three debaclations is typically the limit prior to someone perishing, though there was one instance of someone making it to their fourth.

“No more people, so the white wisps went elsewhere,” the striped leopard whispered. “Still, we must make haste to see Eli Manning in his home in Mistissippi.”

“Ah, Mistissippi,” Real Emmitt marveled. “The city that have a lot of mist according to the name.”

“You’re right, Emmitt,” the striped leopard said. “There’s so much mist in the state of Mistissippi that you can’t see five yards in front of you.”

“Five yard!?” Emmitt exclaimed. “That not too many yard!”

“Shhhh!” the striped leopard said, but it was too late. The debaclation wisps had heard them.

“Run, Emmitt, run!” the striped leopard shouted. Emmitt and his feline friend darted toward an alleyway in attempt to fool the wisps. Of the 30 that spotted them, six did not pass the alley, and they gave quick chase to real Emmitt and the striped leopard.

“No, a dead end!” the striped leopard bellowed. The two came to a screeching halt. They couldn’t advance any farther, and the six wisps now had surrounded them.

“There a lot of debclations coming,” real Emmitt lamented. “I can’t even count how many? Maybe like nine or 50.”

“There are six, Emmitt,” the striped leopard said. “Three for each of us. We’re both goners.”

The wisps closed in. Real Emmitt and the striped leopard conveniently found a dumpster to hide under, but the wisps weren’t fooled. One of them debacled the dumpster, revealing real Emmitt and the striped leopard underneath.

“No!” the striped leopard shrieked. “It worked for Glenn, so why couldn’t we have been saved the same way!?”

Both real Emmitt and the striped leopard closed their eyes, awaiting their debaclation doom. Instead, there was a loud bang.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Five more, in rapid succession.

Real Emmitt and the striped leopard opened their eyes to see a man sitting atop a horse.

“Howdy folks,” he said. “I’m the single ranger.”