Emmitt on the Brink – Season 11: Week 14

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT HAS ANOTHER MEETING OF THE MINDS

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Dec. 1, 2020

The optimism garnered from the first victory over the evil statue group Statue-13 was short-lived. That night, there were reports of hundreds of thousands of people dying at the hands of angry statues. Additionally, the statues also assaulted and raped others, including children. Despite this, the narrative on social media remained the same.

“Statue-13, in my opinion, should be a protected group,” tweeted one politician, pining for statue votes in order to get reelected. “In fact, I’m going to petition to have my city become a sanctuary for statues. All statues, if you’re listening, please come to my sanctuary city, where bad things won’t happen to you.”

A statue killed this politician hours later, smashing in his skull and then defecating on his body. When the politician closed his eyes for the final time, he felt good because he showed everyone how great of a person he was for caring about statues.

Despite all the horror, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell continued to state that the NFL would not cancel any games.

“In fact, there gonna be big penarty for anyone who no come to NFR game!” Goodell said in an odd accent. “Anyone who don’t come to NFR game who have season-ticket ricense gonna have their address posted onrine so the statue gonna find these peopre and kirr them arr, hwa hwa hwa hwa hwa!!!”

With Goodell apparently going insane, Emmitt determined it was time to have a meeting of the minds. The following day, he asked his assistant coaches, the top-ranking barbarians, Erin Andrews-Sanders and Eric Mangini to join him in a conference room.

“Do anybody have any idea how to kill the statements?” Emmitt asked.

“You mean the statues?” Mangini asked, scratching his arm, as Andrews-Sanders looked worriedly. “I thought that if we kill their leader, all of those under them will fall.”

“Yeah, but who the true leadman?” Emmitt asked. “If we kill the true leadman, all the statue gonna get debacled.”

“We gotta take it one game at a time,” defensive coordinator Grizzle McGrizzleton drunkenly grumbled. “Gotta give 110 percent. Hic!”

“STATUE MAKE ME REAL ANGRY!” offensive coordinator Anthony Morelli interjected. “THEY GRAY AND I NO LIKE PEOPLE WHO HAVE GRAY SKIN, GRAY UGLIEST COLOR ON RAINBOW!!!”

“Guys, what about convincing Roger Goodell how dangerous these statues are?” Andrews-Sanders asked, as she continued to watch Mangini chafe away at his chicken pox. “Maybe if he realizes how dangerous the statues are, he’ll not only cancel NFL games, but he’ll also use his resources to help us fight the statues.”

“Hey, I have a great idea, if I do say so myself,” head coach Josh McDaniels said. “Why don’t we go north of the Great Wall of China? There are plenty of statues there, so we can capture one and bring it to Roger Goodell’s office. If we show him a statue in live action, he won’t have any choice but to help us!”

“Wazooga gopooga nombooga hlatooga razatooga!” shouted the lead barbarian.

“Yes, I agree Mr. Barber,” said Emmitt, now fluent in barbarian language. “This real stupidness idea that do not make any senses, but it the only idea we has so we gonna do it.”