Emmitt on the Brink – Season 13: Week 14

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

CONGRESSMEN AND GOODELL BOT PLAN THEIR NEXT MOVE

By Zucker Eunuch, Special to the NFL Reliable Sources Network
Day Unknown, Date Unknown, Year Unknown

Word quickly spread of Gretchen Umbridge’s demise. Washington politicians heard of the news less than an hour after it occurred. The four prominent congressmen held yet another closed-door meeting, summoning Goodell Bot 2.1 in the process.

“I can’t believe Gretchen Umbridge has fallen,” congressman Aqib Talib has lamented. “How could they have defeated her? She was our most powerful governor!”

“She even transformed into her final form, the frost wolf,” said congressman Ilya Hatesamerica. “Guys, I hate to say I told you so, but none of this would’ve happened if I were able to contact my good friend Rex bin Laden to blow up Emmitt and his cohorts.”

“Perhaps it’s time for the big guns after all, but we could be implicated if he’s caught,” Talib said, twirling the fake mustache on the nose-and-mustache disguise he was wearing. “Besides, shouldn’t the giant bear be arriving soon? He said he was coming to the first flight to America.”

“But like I think like he meant like he was going to like take the first first-class flight to like America and not like regular coach and stuff,” said congressman Alejandro Octagon-Vortex. “What sort of like civilized American takes coach, like that’s for like peons and like the people in coach are hurting the environment and stuff.”

Octagon-Vortex reached into his briefcase and revealed a new plan to help climate change.

“We have to like save the environment and stuff and like if we do like everything in here like we will like save the environment and stuff,” Octagon-Vortex said.

“Is this really the time?” Hatesamerica sighed. “And besides, does this new proposal contain nonsense like paying people not to work?”

“Yes, not only that, but like we’re going to give people who don’t work raises and stuff so they’re like going to make like $50 an hour and stuff,” Octagon-Vortex said.

“I hate to go against you, Alejandro, but this is ridiculous,” Talib said. “I’m all for stealing from American taxpayers, but we have a crisis on our hands, so we can ignore it for now. Let’s focus on-”

“No, we’re not waiting!” Octagon-Vortex snapped. He then grabbed his proposals and left the room. Goodell Bot 2.1 entered at the same time.

“Goodell Bot 2.1 is better at emotions than Goodell Bot 2.0, so Goodell Bot 2.1 will guess at what Congressman Octagon-Vortex’s emotion was,” Goodell Bot 2.1 said. “Octagon-Vortex’s emotion was – accessing emotion database – cheerful. Look at Goodell Bot 2.1 understanding emotions like hu-mans. Goodell Bot 2.1 is hu-man just like you.”

“Thank you for telling us about her emotions, thank you very much,” Elvis Presley Jr. said. “But we need to focus on stopping Emmitt now that Governor Umbridge is gone. The giant bear will be here at any moment.”

“Giant bear will land on America soil in 21 minutes and 32 seconds,” Goodell Bot 2.1 said. “I have accessed his flight record, so I can tell you exactly when he will land. This is a very hu-man thing to do because hu-mans often know when flights will land.”

“Crap, so this is it,” Talib said. “He will punish us for not stopping Emmitt.”

“What if we send Goodell Bot 2.1 to him with a note saying that we upgraded Goodell Bot to help him?” Hatesamerica recommended. “He might be pleased about our efforts to improve technology.”

“Good idea,” Talib said. “Goodell Bot 2.1, go greet the bear at the airfield and inform him that you’ve been upgraded enough to serve him in shutting down Emmitt’s progress.”

“I will do so, but first I will do a quick upgrade to give myself a jet pack,” Goodell Bot 2.1 said. “This will be quick, and it will be worth it because Goodell Bot 2.2 will have a jet pack, much like other hu-mans have jet packs. Look at how hu-man I will be to have a jet pack just like you.”