Emmitt on the Brink – Season 3: Week 2

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!

PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Sept. 17, 2015

It’s only Week 2 of the 2015 NFL season, yet the Lions have already lost all hope.

Mirroring a sequence that occurred in 2010, Matthew Stafford was sacked by Julius Peppers in the opener. Instead of leaving the game like he did five years ago, however, Stafford remained under center. Thirty sacks later, and Stafford had already suffered two torn ACLs, MCLs, PCLs and LCLs.

The team doctors put Stafford into a wheelchair after the game, but that won’t stop Lions head coach Jim Schwartz from using Stafford in this week’s contest against the Patriots.

“I’ve learned from my friend Andy Reid that it’s OK to play injured players,” Schwartz said. “Reid told me that concussions, torn ACLs and sports hernias don’t matter. Players must play. The only exception is that dead players shouldn’t play because they won’t be able to move around or contribute anything. So that’s not a good thing. Dead players suck.”

With Stafford’s mobility compromised because of his wheelchair, Schwartz expressed confidence that unlike last week, his quarterback would remain unscathed.

“We have Jeff Backus, the best left tackle in the universe,” Schwartz said. “Sure, all the guys on TV and the Internet will tell you that Backus allowed 30 sacks last week, but that’s bull crap. Backus wasn’t responsible for any of them. He is awesome, and to tell you the truth, I wouldn’t mind having sex with him if I were a gay man. Which I’m not, of course.”

No quarterback has ever started an NFL game in a wheelchair before, so Emmitt decided to have one of his scout-team players sit in a wheelchair during practice. Unfortunately, this only distracted the team.

“Haha eh yo, guy sitting in chair with wheel haha,” quarterback Anthony Morelli said. “Move chair, wheel spin, haha. Move chair, wheel move fast, eh yo. Haha, what up G!? Wheel move, chair move more! Uhh… eh yo… huh?”

Wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey then opted to sit in the chair, citing he had leg fatigue again.

“Oh man, I’m just so tired,” Heyward-Bey said. “I’ve been working so hard this offseason with all of these practices. I need a break.”

Heyward-Bey is doubtful for Sunday’s game.

Emmitt, meanwhile, was not pleased with his team’s lack of focus.

“I have been in this league a couple of weeks, or a couple of years, and I am full capable of knowin’ what the Lion capable of,” Emmitt said. “The Lion always play with a lot of heart, because as the old story go, the Lion was always lookin’ for heart in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. The Lion lookin’ for heart, the Witch lookin’ for broom, and the Wardrobe lookin’ for apple.”

We’re not sure where Emmitt heard that version of the story from, but Sunday’s game against the wounded Lions will prove to be interesting nonetheless.