Emmitt on the Brink – Season 5: Week 15

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Nov. 27, 2017

We’ve always wondered what the Bountygate II facilities looked like. Was the lair in some underground cavern? Or was it in plain sight, but camouflaged in some matter? And who exactly was running the operation? We finally learned the truth behind Bountygate II, thanks to a bug we placed on Emmitt, who was confronted by Norv Turner, one of the goons of the operation, in a bus that traveled from from Miami to Gainesville.

“We knew you would eventually find us,” Turner’s turkey neck said, as it was leading Emmitt through campus with a concealed gun under its coat. “I had my doubts, but our leader had the utmost faith in you. Can’t say I blame him, considering his relation to you.”

This caught Emmitt by surprise. “I do not understand what you means,” Emmitt replied. “How the guy runnin’ the Bouncygate program have relationed to me? Is he my brother or my cousin or my son, Emmitt Smith IV the Third? My best guessin’ that he my brother even though I do not has one as far as I can recalled.”

“You’ll see in due time, Emmitt,” Turner’s turkey neck responded. “He’s very eager to finally meet you.”

Turner led Emmitt to the University of Florida locker room. He opened up Emmitt’s former locker and pressed a hidden button. Suddenly, the entire back wall turned around, revealing a secret passageway. This took Emmitt by complete surprise.

“I never knowed that the wall can turn upside downs,” Emmitt said aloud, his mouth agape. “If I had knowned about this, I would have hided from the team and not play some football game against bad team.”

Emmitt and Turner walked down a spiral staircase until they reached a set up metallic double doors. Turner swiped a card key and the doors separated. A tall man wearing a cheap suit and sporting a gray mustache was there to greet them.

“Is this the new specimen?” the man asked, licking his lips while closely perusing Emmitt’s body. “He definitely looks 100-percent USDA Man to me. He’d be perfect.”

“No, Millen, he’s not a new specimen, and no, you can’t ride him all night long like a young stallion,” Turner said dismissively, turning to Emmitt. “This is Matt Millen, our viceroy. He… well… I’m not exactly sure what he does at this facility. Let’s just ignore him and move on.”

Turner and Emmitt walked toward the central area of the facility. There on a dais, was a golden statue resembling former Jets’ quarterback Mark Sanchez and one of his offensive linemen. Sanchez’s head was slamming right into the lineman’s buttocks, depicting a humorous play that occurred five Thanksgivings ago.

“Ah the butt fumble statue,” Turner’s turkey neck said, sighing in complete admiration. “This is where our leader received his inspiration for Bountygate II. Such a wonderful moment… but come, Emmitt, he’s awaiting your arrival.”

Turner led Emmitt up a set of stairs and down a carpeted corridor with strange paintings of men having random things shoved into their buttocks. There were the staples of Bountygate II – some mayonnaise, hamsters and Amazon gift cards – and there were other things, such as lamp shades, poisonous frogs and surge protectors.

“Yeah, those surge protectors were a bad idea,” Turner said, shuddering a bit. “We haven’t done that in a while. But he’ll explain everything. He’s right through these doors.”

The security guard stationed in front of a pair of wooden double doors nodded at Turner, who opened the door and motioned for Emmitt to come inside. Once Emmitt stepped through, Turner closed the door behind him, remaining outside.

Emmitt didn’t even have a chance to acknowledge Turner – he was too appalled by the man standing in front of him. The man was Emmitt himself – identical in every way, save for a goatee he was sporting instead of a full beard.

“Emmitt, it is a pleasure to finally meet myselves,” the other Emmitt said, smiling darkly.