Emmitt on the Brink – Season 6: Week 12

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

JOSH FREEMAN RELEASED AGAIN

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Nov. 6, 2018

We interrupt the manhunt for the Lloyd family killers to bring you some breaking news: Starting quarterback Josh Freeman has been released by the Edmonton Eskimos.

The Eskimos, who are currently in last place in the NFL’s newest division, the AFC USA, will go with Napoleon Glennon, younger brother of Buccaneers’ quarterback Mike Glennon, as their starter.

Though we all saw this move coming, Freeman was blindsided by the news.

“I just can’t believe it,” Freeman said. “I knew some stuff was going bad, but I never thought I’d get released. I figured the Eskimos would trade me for three first-round picks or something because I’m such a great quarterback.”

The “some stuff was going bad” comment by Freeman is a hell of an understatement. Teammates started getting the sense something was wrong when Freeman blew off the team picture and sent the winner from the local Michael Jackson look-alike contest in his place.

“We got the idea that this person wasn’t Josh because he was about half a foot shorter,” said wide receiver Vincent Jackson, so signed yet another 5-year, $55.5 million contract this offseason in honor of his quarterback. “He had the same perm though and he kept going ‘hee-hee’ and moonwalking, which is what Josh usually does, so we were conflicted. But then someone tossed him a football, and he tried to shield himself, so that’s when we knew it wasn’t him.”

The team photo wasn’t the only thing Freeman skipped recently. He had a scheduled appointment with an 8-year-old boy dying of cancer via the Make a Wish Foundation. The child, who had been given only 24 hours to live, said his final dream was to spend an hour or so with his favorite football player. Freeman didn’t show up, and the boy died of a broken heart hours later.

“I’m sorry, I overslept because I forgot to set my alarm clock,” Freeman said. “What? Yeah I know the meeting was at 4 p.m. I always nap between noon and 5 p.m. every single day, you got a problem with that?”

Freeman was stripped of his captaincy and ultimately benched the previous weekend, prompting him to set up yet another interview with ESPN’s Josina Anderson.

“It’s not fair, they took the ‘C’ away from my jersey, and my favorite letter is ‘C’!” whined Freeman to a teary-eyed Anderson. “And then they said that I killed that kid! I would never kill any kids. My alarm clock is just evil and didn’t want me to meet with him. And that really was me at the team photo. Hee-hee!”

It was later announced that Freeman is a part of the NFL’s substance-abuse program. The former Eskimo quarterback wasn’t too pleased that this news was released.

“I’m going to sue everyone for libel!” Freeman bellowed to an even more teary-eyed Anderson. “I’m going to start with that WalterFootball.com a**hole. He’s been saying s*** about me for years, so now I’m going to take all of his money! Hee-hee!”

We can only hope that Walter Cherepinsky, owner of WalterFootball.com, has some high-priced lawyers on retainer because it seems as though Freeman will stop at nothing to get revenge – assuming, of course, he remembers to set his alarm so that he makes it to court on time.