Emmitt on the Brink – Season 9: Week 9

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT TRAPPED FOR A LONG TIME

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2019

Hillary Clinton led her captives back to their cage. Alas, the escape plan Emmitt, Isaiah Crowell and Johnny Manziel concocted was all for naught. Clinton stripped Crowell of his pistol and placed a new padlock on the cell door.

“You three are my good friends,” Clinton said coldly. “Break out again, and we will become the best of friends.”

Clinton slithered away into the darkness, and the three men sat in stunned silence for a while.

“Man, what a f***ing b***h,” Manziel said much later, finally breaking the ice.

“Ah, if only she were a police officer,” Crowell lamented. “I would’ve pointed my gun at her and pop, pop, pop, goodbye Madam President.”

“Pop, pop, pop?” Emmitt asked. “I do not hear a popcorn machine.”

The conversation didn’t last much longer, and eventually dozed off. Emmitt awakened to see that Crowell and Manziel had slipped into a slumber as well. Emmitt closed his eyes once more.

Emmitt suddenly found himself walking outside, surrounding by a blue haze. He heard the exact noise Crowell had made earlier. Pop, pop, pop. Emmitt glanced in that direction and saw a popcorn machine. He started walking toward it, but heard shouting in the other direction. A man was lying on the ground and getting bashed by something white. Emmitt, however, didn’t see the object despite the man’s constant wails.

“Look like he getting’ debacled,” a familiar voice said behind him.

Emmitt turned around and saw himself. He was stunned.

“And you gonna be nexting… I mean nexted… nextedly…?” Emmitt’s copy said, fumbling with the words.

“Emmitt, Emmitt!” Emmitt heard in the distance. He turned toward his copy.

“Find Shaamond Shark,” the Emmitt copy said. “He the key to all these, and I do not mean the type of key that open the lock.”

“Emmitt, Emmitt!” the voice echoed again. Suddenly, someone grabbed Emmitt, and he sprung up, back in his cell again.

“Oh man, I have a nightmare,” Emmitt said. “Except this occurness in the day so it call a daymare.”

“It’s not day anymore,” Crowell replied. “It’s been almost 12 hours.”

Twelve hours turned into 24 hours, and eventually 12 days and then 24 days. This was extremely boring for Emmitt and Crowell, though Manziel didn’t share in that sensation right away.

“I… I… need Fruity Pebbles,” Manziel said while vomiting. “Man, I hate going with withdrawal.”

The only time the monotony was broken was when a floppy-haired man dressed as a butler brought them food. The butler did not do a good job, including ketchup as an option with mashed potatoes, for example.

“Derr, I think this is a good thing,” he said after hearing protests from the three captives. “Derr, and people said drafting a punter in the third round was a bad thing too, derr.”

The butler’s visits were always nearly identical, but one day, something changed. He brought Emmitt, Crowell and Manziel a plate that contained a grilled cheese sandwich, soy sauce and applesauce sprinkled with pepper. As he slid the tray through the slot in the door, there was a loud noise.

BANG!

The butler’s face slid down the cell bars, which were now smeared with his blood. Emmitt and his friends were ready to thank their savior, but they were at a loss for words once they saw who it was. Or rather, what.

A giant shark stared at them and revealed its sharp teeth.