Emmitt on the Brink – Season 9: Week 12

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

SACRIFICE MADE TO ESCAPE FROM MATT MILLEN

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Sept. 19, 2019

Emmitt, Milo Yiannopoulos, Johnny Manziel and Isaiah Crowell moved quickly as soon as Matt Millen made his announcement. The leader of the League of Failed General Managers had found them, and he surely planned on doing naughty things to them before imprisoning Emmitt and his friends once again. But how did he manage to do so?

“Guys, we need to get onboard unicorn and get out of here real quick!” Emmitt shouted.

“It’s a dragon, Emmitt,” Yiannopoulos said. “But you’re right, let’s go!”

“Hold on, guys, I’m just sending out another tweet, ugh, I hate when it keeps tweeting with your location,” Manziel said.

“You idiot, that’s how they found us!” Yiannopoulos bellowed. “Let’s leave Johnny behind, guys!”

Three of the four men boarded Yiannopoulos’ dragon, but it was too late. Someone aboard Millen’s airship hurled a rope, which entangled the beast. It could not take off.

“You’re not going anywhere!” Millen sneered. “Your backsides are mine!”

Millen and his goons quickly corralled the four men with more pieces of rope, and soon enough Emmitt and his friends were onboard Millen’s airship, which was, well, quite interesting. There were numerous statues of what looked like rear ends, and there were piles of kielbasas near these statues.

“For when there aren’t any 100-percent USDA Men available,” Millen explained once noticing that his captives were looking at the statues quizzically. “But no matter, you four will soon receive proper punishment.”

Millen and three other men tied Emmitt and his friends to chairs in one of the cabins.

“Let me introduce my comrades,” Millen said, pointing to each of the three men. “This is John Idzik, who once made some excellent transactions for the New York Jets. This is Trent Baalke, who correctly thought he was smarter than Jim Harbaugh, and justly fired him as a result. And this floppy-haired fellow is Gene Smith, who once brilliantly selected a punter over worthless quarterback Russell Wilson. We, as well as our leader, Hillary Clinton, comprise the League of Failed General Managers!”

“You guys suck!” Manziel exclaimed, squirming around, trying to get free.

“You’re right, we do suck!” Millen replied. “We suck the kielbasas we insert into each other’s backsides! That’s the sucking we do! Get it!? It’s a play on words! Ha!

“You four are in trouble,” Millen continued, becoming more focused. “Emmitt, I’ve vowed to get revenge on you for banishing me to an alternate dimension, and now my sweet revenge is about to be fulfilled! I will hand all of you over to Hillary Clinton soon enough, but first, I have some kielbasas ready to insert into your backsides!”

“I have a better idea, sexy,” Yiannopoulos said.

“Uhh… wait, what? A better idea?” Millen asked, his interest clearly piqued.

“Yes, sexy,” Yiannopoulos said. “I have a wide enough backside for all four of you men to insert your kielbasas into mine at the same time.”

“Four- wait- four kielbasas at the same time?” Millen asked, completely taken aback. “How- how is that possible? Only- only a 400-percent USDA Man would be able to handle that.”

“I’m 4,000-percent USDA Man,” Yiannopoulos replied. “If you don’t believe me, why don’t you find out?”

Millen quickly ushered Yiannopoulos away, and his cohorts quickly followed. Hours later, Yiannopoulos returned, but was crawling.

“Guys, I took one for the team,” he gasped, handing Emmitt a knife that belonged to one of the LFGM members. “You can take my dragon and escape, but please leave me behind. I- I don’t think I can live much longer after enduring all the kielbasas from those disgusting slobs.”

“I will never forgetted what you doned for us, Mike Metropolis,” Emmitt said. “I will never forgetted your name and I will recite it for the history book to tape record.”

Yiannopoulos, unfortunately, did not hear what Emmitt said, as he passed out. Emmitt quickly cut himself loose, and then did the same for Manziel and Crowell. They then freed the dragon, climbed onto its back and flew off into the sunset.