Emmitt on the Brink – Season 9: Week 16

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

GOOD EMMITT VERSUS EVIL EMMITT

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Unknown, Month?, XYZV

What did Emmitt’s doppelganger mean by the “whole truths” and being “blowed… blowned… uhh… blewed.. uhh… blewned… uhh… blowed away by it?”

Evil Emmitt scowled at his counterpart with severe hatred. He rubbed his clammy hands together, as he had obviously anticipated this meeting for a very long time. The real Emmitt was tired of waiting, so he just had to ask.

“What do you mean this my home?” Emmitt asked. “This not my home. I do not even see my sonned here, Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III.”

“This your home because you maked it,” Evil Emmitt said. “When you and Shannon Stark open a door to evil dimension, you change not just everything, but a lot of thing, into whatever you thinks. People start gettin’ debacled here because you always say people gettin’ debacled. Debacled not even real word! Trust me, I try to type on Microhard Works, and he telled me it not real word because the red squigglish line appear overneath himselves.”

“I do not understands,” the real Emmitt said. “How are it possibles that I change not just everything but a lot of thing?”

“When you open the door to the portal, it feel your energy and my energy – the energize of the two Emmitt,” Evil Emmitt said. “When I got transport back to the evil dimension with my viceroy Matt Miller and Norv Turkey, everything have change. Suddenly, people gettin’ debacled. The name of my school change. The guy who sell time only selleds to quarterback buyin’ time for his linemen. This all stuff you say in the passed!”

That’s when it hit Emmitt. Everything was so familiar because it was all stuff he had muttered over the years. From the leopard with the stripes, to Eli Manning being given the rice of passage, to the stinging butterflies, to a team played in the National Conference of Footballs, everything in this dimension was an Emmitt-ism!

“This truly really are my home,” Emmitt said. As he finished that sentence, a child’s voice echoed behind him. It was Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III!

“Father, I am pleased that you’ve returned to your humble abode,” Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III said in his perfect British accent. “Mother and I have been worried sick regarding your extended absence. We even contacted the authorities on your behalf, but their search was a fruitless effort.”

“I can’t belief my eye, or my nose,” Emmitt said. “My son, Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III, right here. I so glad- wait just one year! I mean month! I mean second!”

Emmitt suddenly realized what was going on. This was not his son. He only appeared because Emmitt said that this truly was his home!

“None of this real!” Emmitt exclaimed, to Evil Emmitt’s surprise. “I love Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III, but this not really the true him! He not really here, and this not really truly my own real true home!”

The Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III doppelganger vanished. Evil Emmitt was infuriated.

“You could have of have had your real true fake life here!” Evil Emmitt hissed. “Now you gonna pay the ultimate price! A price so high that even the richest man in the world cannot afford, unless maybe he sell a lot of house and boat!”

“There just one thing you forgettinged, Evil myselves!” Emmitt exclaimed.

“What do I forgetfulnessed?” Evil Emmitt asked.

“I am the masters of untying rope!” Emmitt roared.

Emmitt sprung up from his chair and pounced on Evil Emmitt, and the two began exchanging fierce blows.