Emmitt on the Brink – Season 10: Week 5

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EVIL EMMITT FINDS TROUBLE AT THE LIBRARY

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Saturday, Sept. 12, 2020

Ezekiel Elliott was growing more impatient by the minute. He couldn’t help but vent his frustration to his predecessor.

“Emmitt, I’m getting bored!” Elliott complained. “When can I go punch a DJ like you promised when you recruited me?”

“Be patience, Alexikial Elliott,” Evil Emmitt replied. “Your time gonna come. We only beened together for a day, which I belief is 360 hour.”

“Fine, fine,” Elliott relented. “Where are we going anyway?”

“To visit a guy who went to my almond matter, the University of Florida Gulf City State College University,” Evil Emmitt answered.

Evil Emmitt and Elliott boarded the Los Angeles Patriots’ jet, which Bob Kraft was more than willing to lend to them because of the request he had of Evil Emmitt. Before they knew it, they were in Gainesville, Fla., visiting Evil Emmitt’s alma mater, the University of Florida.

“So, who are we here to see?” Elliott asked. “I guess I could’ve asked on the plane, but I was too busy ordering stuff for my women’s unclothing store.”

“There he are, right there,” Evil Emmitt replied, pointing to a library. “That right there call a liberia. They have a lot of book inside, and all these book have a lot of alphabet in them unless they book you can use the crayon to color inside them. I forget what these pacific book are call, but they are book you can color inside. These the best kind of book. Who want to read a book with alphabet in themselfs?”

The two men entered the library and were instantly overwhelmed by the sheer amount of reading material in the building.

“This real interesting,” Evil Emmitt said. “I does nor do not sees the coloring book section, which where I suspect our guy to be at.”

“Who is this guy, exactly?” Elliott asked.

“Him name are – wait, there he are!” Evil Emmitt exclaimed, pointing to a muscular man. This individual was having an argument with a librarian, a bespectacled woman in her 50s.

“I thought this was a coloring book, but there were words in there!” the muscular man shrieked. “This was very misleading, and I’m going to sue this entire establishment!”

“But sir, we’re a non-profit and can’t afford to be sued,” the librarian insisted. “Besides, it didn’t say that this was a coloring book. Why would you think War and Peace was a coloring book?”

“Because the Sword of War and Peace is white and red, and I was going to color it as such!” the man bellowed.

“Well, I’m sorry that you were misled, but please leave this establishment before I call the police,” the librarian responded.

Elliott sprung into action. He leapt over several tables in a single bound and extended his arms toward the woman’s blouse. In a single motion, he ripped open her shirt. The librarian retreated, completely embarrassed.

“Why thank you, kind sir,” the angry man said. “This vile woman had glasses, so I had the urge to punch her, but I do not hit the female gender.”

Elliott took a step backward, shocked by this individual’s answer.

“And to think, I save you from that wretch,” Elliott muttered loudly enough for the man to hear.

“Hark, if you had glasses, I would pummel your face this instant!” the man bellowed.

“Now, now, gentlemened,” Evil Emmitt said putting his hands on both men’s shoulders. “We all on the same slide. Alexikial Elliott, meet Dante Fowlball. Dante Fowlball, meet Alexikial Elliott.”

“That’s Dante Fowler,” the man said, correcting Evil Emmitt. “Emmitt, it is an honor to finally meet you. Why, may I ask, are you here?”

“Becaused, we need your assist,” Evil Emmitt said.