Emmitt on the Brink – Season 11: Week 3

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

CELEBRITIES SPEAK OUT AGAINST EMMITT AT AWARD SHOW

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Oct. 5, 2020

Celebrities congregated in a Los Angeles banquet hall for the annual Baloney’s, an award show that, well, we aren’t actually aware of why it differentiates between all of the other ones. Per usual, celebrities arrived on the red carpet wearing overpriced garments of clothing, eagerly awaiting to praise one another while receiving awards normal Americans don’t care about.

There was an upset with the first award, as the Baloney’s Best Male Actress Award was expected to go to Tom Hanks for the highly anticipated Forest Gump 2: Forest Running Faster, but this particular Baloney’s was given to Alec Baldwin for his role in Ocean’s 67: How Many Popular Celebrities Can We Fit into This Movie to Get People to Buy Tickets for It Even Though the Script and Plot Both Suck?

We have no doubt that all 53 people tuning into this broadcast were shocked that Baldwin won over Hanks.

What happened next was even more surprising.

Baldwin took the stage, and he was expected to thank the usual for his alleged success. Instead, he took aim at new New England Patriots owner Emmitt.

“Emmitt is evil and needs to be stopped!” shouted Baldwin, prompting his celebrity friends to clap in unison, as if they were all part of some sort of hive mind. “He hurt my feelings with his comments about the greatly oppressed half-Norwegian, half-Korean, half-Transylvanian community. And because my feelings matter more than anything else in the world – including unemployment statistics – I say that Emmitt needs to be removed as owner of the Patriots!”

Robert De Niro was even more passionate. De Niro took the stage after winning the Baloney’s Best Actor Who Peed His Pants During a Production, edging out the 1-year-old from Full House: The Movie, and he had some choice words for Emmitt.

“F**k Emmitt!” De Niro bellowed, drawing even more applause than Baldwin did. “As an American, I apologize to the oppressed country of half-Norway, half-Korea, half-Transylvania for what Emmitt said recently.”

Some on Twitter applauded De Niro.

“What bravery,” someone with no perception of reality tweeted. “When a celebrity says something, it means so much, and we should all pay attention.”

We’d be concerned about Emmitt’s ongoing status as owner of the Patriots, but this is before we recalled that, despite the aforementioned tweet, very few people care about what out-of-touch celebrities have to say anymore.

Emmitt may still be in hot water, but it won’t be as a result of anything that happened at the Baloney’s.

Of course, the media may move on to another topic if the Patriots win their first game of the season on Monday Night Football.