Emmitt on the Brink – Season 11: Week 13

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

THE FATEFUL BLACK FRIDAY GAME

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Nov. 27, 2020

The suddenly hot New England Patriots had plenty of optimism entering the new Black Friday game the NFL introduced this season. Despite kickoff taking place at midnight, the 3-6-1 Patriots, who have won three games in a row, should have been more excited to battle the Jets.

And yet, there was a sense of dread in the locker room because there was fear that the evil statue gang, Statue-13, would strike. Statue-13, of course, is a collaboration between all of the statues in the world to destroy humanity. They already attacked fans at one game last week, and there was fear that they would strike once again on a national stage. Patriots owner Emmitt may have recruited bomb-wielding barbarians to combat Statue-13, but what if they were overwhelmed by a massive group of angry, bloodthirsty statues?

There was peace and quiet in the opening half. A red-hot DeShone Kizer, who is no longer colorblind, threw three touchdowns, giving the Patriots a 27-17 lead heading into intermission. The Patriots’ defense held the Jets’ scoring unit to just 10 points, as seven came off a fumbled kickoff returned for a touchdown.

“Our players are giving 110 percent out there, somethin’ somethin’ somethin’,” said defensive coordinator Grizz McGrizzleton, holding a flask in his hand. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, we gotta pray for God, football and family during halftime.”

It was apparent that the prayer session would never occur once the earth shook. Dozens of Statue-13 members descended quickly on the stadium, and they were commanded by a trio of statues: the statues of Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and Robert Kraft.

Emmitt launched a bomb at the statue of Tom Brady, who was spraying hair products in the faces of hundreds of fans. The Tom Brady statue avoided the bomb and picked it up. He then hurled a perfect pass into another section of the stadium, killing hundreds more people. The statue of Bill Belichick was filming the entire debacle.

One of the barbarians had better luck. He flung a bomb near the statue of Robert Kraft. It didn’t go off, but the statue of Robert Kraft picked it up and said, “Mmm… this will go well with my Arby’s sandwich.” He popped it into his mouth and exploded.

“Fool,” grumbled the statue of Tom Brady. “I told you, Bill, he was holding us back. Watch this!”

The statue of Tom Brady evaded two more bombs. He then picked them up and fired them into the same location. A chain explosion occurred as a result, killing thousands.

“Everybody, run!” someone shouted. Every fan that already wasn’t sprinting toward the exit was doing so, with some people trampling others. Countless were injured or killed in the process. Emmitt and the barbarians kept firing their bombs, but to no avail. They managed to destroy some statues, but there were just too many of them.

Emmitt and his barbarians realized that this was completely fruitless, so they ran away with the rest of the crowd, living to fight another day.