Emmitt on the Brink – Season 13: Week 11

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT AND FRIENDS REACH ESPN HEADQUARTERS

By Zucker Eunuch, Special to the NFL Reliable Sources Network
Day Unknown, Date Unknown, Year Unknown

An attractive woman gazed into a mirror in her chambers. She ran her fingers through her crimson hair and then reached for the necklace around her neck. There was a large ruby that radiated in the center of it, at least until she removed the jewel.

Suddenly, the beautiful woman saw a wretched, withered witch in the mirror. She would have shed a tear, but her ducts were too dry. She struggled to let out a sigh before returning the necklace to its original resting spot. In an instant, she was beautiful once more, and the ruby once again pulsed.

The red-headed woman left the room and was caught off guard by all the commotion. Her co-workers were excited, so she decided to discover why. She could have just asked them, but as an introvert, she preferred to do things on her own.

She returned to her room and rummaged through her closet until she found her Jarome Iginla Calgary Flames jersey. She stared into the Flames’ famous “C” logo, chanting, “Look into the flames … look into the flames.”

The red-headed woman was no longer in her room. She was now at the ESPN front gates, where she glimpsed upon Emmitt and four other men approaching the entrance. They did not see her, of course, as she was not there in corporeal form.

“Hello, I use to be an employment here, so I would like to has a visit,” Emmitt told the guard at the entrance, who was none other than Neil Everett.

“HOWZIT, Emmitt, I can’t believe you’re here RIGHT NOW!” Everett exclaimed.

“Neil Everson, you use to be a broadcasting so why you a guard at the gate?” Emmitt asked.

“We had to cut jobs because of the pandemic and also because our network was already going down the toilet with our SJW nonsense, so I’ve taken multiple roles here,” Everett explained. “In addition to being an anchor and the security guard, I’m also the BARTENDER, JACK!”

Everett opened the gate and motioned for Emmitt and his friends to enter. They walked to the front entrance, where they spotted Jemele Hill speaking to the Alabama mascot. This was something once seen in an ESPN commercial, but it was happening in real life.

“So, anyway, Trump is real racist and he deserves to die,” Hill said.

The Alabama mascot, unable to talk, raised his hands in the air. It was unclear if he concurred with Hill or disagreed with her. Hill, however, was sure of what he was trying to convey.

“Yes, Trump is a Nazi, in fact, he is Adolf Hitler reincarnate,” Hill opined.

The Alabama elephant plopped onto the ground and began doing pushups.

“Doing pushups to make reparations for black people, I see,” Hill said. “What a great idea. All mascots should get down on one knee and begin doing pushups.”

It’s unclear why Hill thought she had good ideas, but Emmitt and crew knew better than to engage her. They finally entered the lobby at ESPN to much fanfare. Emmitt still had friends from his stint at the company long ago. Dozens of employees lined up to shake his hand, but one stood out. She had bright hair that resembled an overflowing volcano.

Andy Reid, who walked ahead of everyone, stopped at the sight of her. This caused everyone behind him to bump into each other, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“It’s … hem hem… uhh… umm… uhh… hem hem… Wendi Nix…” Reid mumbled.