Emmitt on the Brink – Season 3: Week 6

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!

PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Oct. 15, 2015

No sports fan will ever forget what happened five years ago. During the 2010 NFL season, Brett Favre, the league’s biggest name and iconic figure, was caught sending pictures of his private parts to a New York Jets hot female reporter.

Once the news broke, the backlash was almost instantaneous. The Hall of Fame quarterback lost his precious Wrangler’s jeans commercials. Favre also took a shotgun and blew off his right elbow to deflect attention away from this story. Meanwhile, ESPN headquarters spontaneously combusted. All that was left was Stuart Scott’s glass eye.

“I gotta say, it’s too bad something like that happened, but at least I got my Wrangler jeans,” Favre said at the time, unaware that he lost his sponsorship with Wranger. “I gotta say, this jeans are real comfortable. I sent that Jets reporter a picture of my jeans too; don’t know why that’s not bein’ reported.”

Those who do not learn from history are bound to repeat it. The NFL announced Wednesday that it is looking into New England Patriots offensive coordinator Eric Mangini and some pictures he allegedly sent to Erin Andrews via his cell phone.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” Mangini said. “Erin Andrews is my almost girlfriend, and boyfriends and girlfriends send each other pictures on the phone all the time. That’s what Shannon Sharpe’s cool older brother Sterling told us one night when I slept over Shannon’s house because my mom made me.”

Per reports, none of the pictures Mangini sent over to Andrews contained any nudity. On the contrary, the pictures were what a police officer called “pathetically hilarious.” New York City Chief of Police Carl Winslow, tasked to lead this investigation, commented on the matter.

“I, Carl Winslow, Lord of Doughnuts and Denizen of Doritos, have hereby declared the comedic value of these photographs to be worth three boxes of Oreos, two bags of Cheetos and a sausage biscuit, all of which I have consumed already, hem, hem,” Winslow said. “Now, if you will excuse me, I shall now resume course for Red Lobster, where I will devour as many crabs and shrimps as there are available.”

Before going, Winslow walked us through the four pictures in question. The first was of a pair of Barbie and Ken dolls, except photographs of Mangini and Andrews’ faces were glued on each of the dolls’ heads. The second was of the Barbie and Ken doll holding hands. The third was the Ken doll proposing to the Barbie doll. And the fourth was a picture of Shannon Sharpe playing the Nintendo Wii. Winslow said he is “unsure” of how the fourth photograph fits in with the first three.

Andrews, meanwhile, initially wanted the story published, but later retracted that, citing she never wanted this made public and declaring that she will refuse to cooperate with Winslow’s investigation.

“I don’t even know who this fat loser Eric Mangina is,” Andrews said. “He keeps IMing me for some reason, but no matter how much I ignore him, he keeps sending me messages, so I just respond with one-word answers hoping that he’ll get the hint and stop bothering me. It’s not working.”

Mangini was not shaken by these words, reasoning that Andrews was just “keeping things quiet” during the investigation. Mangini’s coaching superior, however, was not as calm.

“This is the second times that Eric Mangina have gotten into hot waters with that sideline reporting,” Emmitt said. “Gettin’ into hot waters not a good thing because sometime you get burned alive, but sometime it is relaxin’, but hot waters is a lot like dark chocolate – you never know what you’re gonna give.”

Emmitt said everything is on track for Sunday’s game against the Bills.

“The Bill have a player called C.J. Spoil who touch the ball only one time per game,” Emmitt said. “You don’t know when it gonna happen, but sooner or letter Spoil gonna touch the ball, and then do the victorious go the spoilers.”

We’re not sure what that means, but it appears as though Emmitt has a plan to keep New England’s winning streak alive amid the Mangini distraction.