Emmitt on the Brink – Season 2: Week 10

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2014 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!

PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Nov. 6, 2014

When you’re 8-0 in the NFL, everyone should be singing your praises. TV analysts should be debating your chances in the playoffs and the Super Bowl. Steve Young should incoherently be ranting about your guaranteed 16-0 finish.

All of these things were happening until news broke Wednesday that two separate organizations are investigating the Patriots.

The first is the National Football League – Labor Manual Awareness Organization (NFL-LMAO), headed by former Browns and Ravens running back Jamal Lewis.

“Any team that is 8-0 or better from now on will be investigated,” explained Lewis, who is in his first year on the job. “Any team that is 8-0 or better is obviously working too hard in practice. Teams that are putting forth just the right amount of effort are supposed to be 4-4 or maybe even 5-3. No team should ever be 8-0. From my experience, it’s just not possible.”

Emmitt was obviously enraged by Lewis’ allegations.

“This is outrageousn… outrage… outrageousnessity!” Emmitt screamed. “When I play in the National League of Conferences, our coaches made us stay after practice until our leg fall off. Then, we would have to do it again the next day and the day after today. As the old saying go, the difference between try and triumph is… uhh… a couple of letter.”

The second organization investigating the Patriots is a private firm called East Coast Cats Against Faggots But Not Gays. You can only guess who’s running that one.

“Our goal at East Coast Cats Against Faggots But Not Gays is to stop discrimination against gays, yet still hate faggots,” said Larry Johnson, the only member of the group. “The word �faggot’ changed into a derogatory slur against obnoxious motorcycle riders back in 2009. We hate those people. We don’t hate gay people. I am not gay myself, but I do sometimes like watching other men get it on. That definitely doesn’t make me gay though. I’m an East Coast Cat!”

Johnson’s friend, Daunte Culpepper, hacked into offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels’ e-mail inbox and found the following e-mail addressed to Jeff Fisher:

“Yo dewd, I am totaly gonna kick you’re a** this Sunday! My offense is like so much better than ur offense. You’re quarterback is Jay Cutler! Eww! Cutler is gay. Josh McDaniels for the win.”

McDaniels got the Patriots into more hot water when he commented on Johnson’s investigation.

“L-O-L no one takes Larry Johnson seriously,” McDaniels giggled. “He’s so gay, he’s beyond gay. Josh McDaniels for the win.”

Emmitt, who overheard this, ran over and slapped McDaniels upside the head. Emmitt then commented on his offensive coordinator.

“My offensive coordination done have lost his doggone mind,” Emmitt said. “He is obviously not homophones, he is just moron. Very moron.”

A pretty ironic statement to say the least.