Emmitt on the Brink – Season 4: Week 13

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

SKITTLE WARRIORS HIRED

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Nov. 30, 2016

Roger Goodell has had enough.

The NFL commissioner has been criticized more than ever this year. Sometimes, the public determines that his punishment is too harsh. For instance, Goodell’s decision to ban DeSean Jackson for life because he used a heterophobic slur in late September was met with ire. Meanwhile, some say that Goodell’s unwillingness to suspend Ndamukong Suh for shooting backup quarterback Curtis Painter in the elbow was even worse.

Goodell will no longer be making the calls. Effective immediately, the Skittle Warriors will be responsible for making all NFL disciplinary decisions, Goodell announced Tuesday.

The Skittle Warriors are a newly formed vigilante organization dedicated to fighting crime. Some call these men superheroes. Captain JaMarcus Russell, the Purple Skittle, wouldn’t have any of it.

“Haha somebody say I superheroes, but superheroes like the guy who wear number S on blue shirt and have red underwear haha, do ya tink so, or guy who wear mouse costume and fight clown do ya tink so?” Capt. Russell said/asked.

Capt. Russell was once bashed for eating Skittles on the sideline and was consequently forced into his first retirement. Everything changed in December 2011 when he watched the Seahawks battle the Eagles on NFL Network.

“I eat Skittle on chair haha and uhh… I see runny guy on Seattle name Marchel Lynch eat Skittle after score in touchdown, do ya tink so?” Capt. Russell said/asked.

Capt. Russell reached out to Marshawn – not Marchel – Lynch, and the two agreed to join together to fight crime and eat Skittles. Russell named himself captain, and Lynch became Commander Lynch, the Green Skittle, his first mate.

“I been rockin’ this beast mode thang and this Skittle thang yeaahhhh,” Cmdr. Lynch said. “Yeaahhh, yeaaahhh, rockin’ the Green Skittle thang and rockin’ the Beast Mode thang yeaahhhh yeahhhhhhhh.”

The two recruited Eric Berry soon after once it was reported that the Kansas City safety also eats Skittles during games. Berry quickly became Lieutenant Commander Berry, the Red Skittle.

However, with only three people in the Skittle Warriors, Capt. Russell, Cmdr. Lynch and Lt. Cmdr. Berry were two men short. They fortunately were able to fill their roster earlier this month. Former New England quarterback Anthony Morelli was first on board.

“Eh yo… I uhh… buy red packet in store and uhh… I eat color ball in red packet then somebody go knock-knock on my door, eh yo…” Morelli said. “When I open door, former player tell me they watch me and ask me to join Skittle Warrior club, eh yo.”

Morelli was quickly named Lieutenant Morelli, the Yellow Skittle. And as of Sunday night, former quarterback Jeff Garcia is Lieutenant Junior Grade Garcia, the Orange Skittle.

“Jeeezth Chrittthh I like rainbowsss and different colorssss yeaahhh,” Garcia said. “Do you guyssss know my hot wife, she’ssss so hottt right, Jeeezth Chritthh!?”

So, how do these five men know when crime is breaking loose when all they do all day is eat Skittles? Well, according to the Red Skittle, there’s an elusive Admiral Tropical Skittle whose identity hasn’t been revealed. We only have this statement from the Tropical Skittle:

“Hem, hem… uhh… I need to… umm… put the… uhh… hem, hem… Skittle Warriors… uhh… in a better position… umm… hem, hem… and I take… uhh… full responsibility… uhh… time’s yours…”

We can only wonder who this enigmatic Tropical Skittle person really is, but in the meantime, we definitely feel much safer with the Skittle Warriors patrolling the streets.