Emmitt on the Brink – Season 5: Week 17

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

SHANNON SAVES THE DAY

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Dec. 20, 2017

Evil Emmitt’s plan was coming to fruition. He had Emmitt and his pals right where he wanted them. The expression on his face told it all – he looked happy and satisfied, yet there was still a strong sense of malice in his eyes. He was obviously plotting something sinister.

“Shannon Shark finally here,” Evil Emmitt said, staring down Sharpe as if he despised his very being. “Now it is time to reveal the mastered plans to these folk before we get down to businesses and shove very fat player into Shark behind.”

Evil Emmitt motioned to the corner, where former tackle Bryant McKinnie was chained and gagged. Sharpe, realizing what was about to happen, turned and ran toward the door, but one of Evil Emmitt’s henchmen grabbed hold of him.

“That 50,000-percent USDA Man’s not going anywhere,” Matt Millen snorted. “We’ve wanted Shannon here this whole time ever since we discovered that shoving stuff into the backsides of people who are at least 1,000-percent USDA Men can bring people back from the dead. We were able to revive Brandon Marshall’s wife by forcing a log into Arian Foster’s backside.”

“But bringing back Marshall’s wife was just a test run of sorts,” Norv Turner’s turkey neck interrupted. “We need our old boss back. We need Al Davis back.”

Turner’s turkey neck went on to explain that unlike in our present world, where the undead Al Davis still serves as the overbearing owner of the Oakland Raiders, the Al Davis of their dimension perished in 2011.

“Without Al Davis, superior athletes who run fast 40s have no home in the NFL,” Turner’s turkey neck lamented. “Think about it – who would draft the NFL Combine superstars in your league if Al Davis weren’t a part of it? Without Al Davis, these athletes have to quit football and resort to a life of drugs, gambling and alcohol. We’re trying to save these guys, and to do it, we need our Al Davis back.”

Evil Emmitt walked toward a comatose McKinnie and unshackled him. He then dragged his blubbery body toward Shannon.

“Now, the fat guy go into your backside, Shannon Stark,” Evil Emmitt declared.

Just when it seemed like all hope was lost, there was a loud bang. One second, there was a cloud of smoke, and the next, a ninja appeared seemingly out of thin air.

“Shannon you must a save our pranet!” the ninja pleaded. “Evir Emmitt say he bring back Ar Davis but two Ar Davis wirr destroy pranet! You must save a pranet!”

“Ugh, stupid Shannon doesn’t know how to save anything!” whined Eric Mangini. “He couldn’t even save my marriage to Asian Erin Andrews. He’s worthless!”

The ninja paid no attention to Mangini’s wails. “You must tark about hemorgrobin! Tark about hemogrobin!”

“Wg8hwoi hqo wlbnr jobowb jbk hemogrobin fb khbo bosdjbvk fb riabk sdkre oxygen brgb oen flbn bkabs iyvdsvbk oxygen r wf a dle wrog bkfbnsfnvjals foubo hemogrobin hne nlvsod fnor n,” Sharpe said instantly.

Nothing happened, however, as Evil Emmitt, Norv Turkey’s Neck and Millen grabbed hold of Sharpe’s pants.

“No, not hemogrobin! HemogRobin!” the ninja shouted.

Sharpe suddenly looked like he understood. “Wrugh owhwo lrgn rg onsl dsuobrubg hemoglobin r gefl dsl gei 2bks rog oxygen e we borubg 2b e3ub 3x rkg betkb rg oxygen u wb kab bg irg r gwur wef ksdbkfjbdskb irg hemoglobin wr kdsjb kebg rbgk,” Sharpe cried.

Almost instantly, there was a blinding light. Emmitt, Sharpe and his other friends shielded their eyes. When they could finally look again, Evil Emmitt, Norv’s Turkey Neck and Millen were all gone. Evil Emmitt’s henchmen also vanished – as did the enigmatic ninja.

“Ghoq wnr rg ls nrk b good wenr eri gher ol nl th n ag triumphs asaiu 2tb rlgn lrn elrg dsv over sdkvb t 5y4 ewjs e rog evil wrg e bdskj erb rbkg skdskjb krbgkrj,” sighed a relieved Sharpe.

We couldn’t have said it any better ourselves.