Emmitt on the Brink – Season 7: Week 4

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

EMMITT AND FRIENDS EXPLORE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Jan. 3, 2019

Emmitt and his friends vanquished the evil smoke monster in the cockpit of the crashed airplane, but they were still confronted with a major problem – getting off the island. There was too much interference with the radio they recovered, so they decided that they needed to climb up the hills so they could get a signal.

“I’m… uhh… staying here,” Kraft told them as they were preparing for their hike. “And it has nothing to do with the Arby’s sandwiches I recov… I mean, I’m so upset that I lost my Arby’s sandwiches, guys.”

Josh Gordon shot Kraft a dirty look. “Kraft, you got more blood on your face,” he said, sticking his thumb into it and putting it into his mouth.” He licked his lips. “Tastes like ketchup, oddly enough.”

“That’s… uhh… a… uhh… condition I have,” Kraft muttered. “The doctors said so. My blood tastes like ketchup, what can I say?”

“Well, it is a bad thing you not a vampire,” Emmitt replied. “Because if you is a vampire, all you have to do is go to the ketchup store to buy some ketchup, and you could drink it every day instead of attacking people at night.”

Gordon and Ray Rice gave each other an odd glance and then motioned Emmitt over. They packed up their things and embarked on their journey.

The trip was an uneventful one at first. They traversed through the forest and then climbed some steep hills. They eventually reached a clearing, but heard a loud roar coming from up ahead.

“If this is another second-hand smoke thing, I don’t know how much I can take!” Gordon warned.

The three men quickly realized it was not another smoke demon. Instead, it was a giant bear, and it was charging right at them. Emmitt and Gordon ran for cover, but Rice stood his ground.

“Guys, that giant bear does not have a nut sack,” Rice said. “I’ll take care of this female bear.”

WHOP! BAM! BOOM! POW!

The giant bear was destroyed, thanks to Rice’s fists of fury. He then dragged it around, just for kicks, as Emmitt and Gordon rejoined him.

“Wow, you’re so strong!” Gordon remarked.

“Ah, it’s nothing,” Rice said, waving his hand dismissively. “Once I saw that the bear had no nut sack, all of my fear was gone.”

“Yeah, but you still beat up a giant bear… and not just a bear… it’s a polar bear!” Gordon exclaimed. “Look, it’s white!”

“Whoa, how is this possible?” Rice asked.

“I do not understand these,” Emmitt chimed in. “One minute we in England, flying across the Atlantic Sea, and the next minute, we in the North Pole! I do not understand why the North Pole have so much hotness!”

Emmitt and his friends continued upward until they reached the highest point of the island. Gordon flipped out the radio and turned it on. He turned the nob one direction, and then the other. There was still static until…

“I just heard a voice!” Rice shouted. “Turn back! Turn back!”

Gordon moved the dial slowly in the opposite direction, and sure enough, a man was speaking in French…

“Je nage a la plage. Je joue au basket. J’aime le bain. Je suis un livre de francais. Je nage a la plage. Je joue au basket. J’aime le bain. Je suis un livre de francais. Je nage a la plage. Je joue au basket. J’aime le bain. Je suis un livre de francais.”

The message continued to repeat.

“What’s it saying!?” Gordon shouted. “Ray! I know for a fact that you took a French course at Rutgers!”

“But I never showed up because I was a ‘student athlete.'” Rice yelled back.

“Ha, student athlete, that’s always a good one,” Gordon chuckled before realizing how dire the situation was. “Ray, I know you didn’t learn anything in college like the rest of us ‘student athletes,’ but please, give it your best shot!”

“OK…” Rice sighed. He shut his eyes and focused on the French man’s voice.

“I’ve been… I’ve been stuck here…” Rice whispered. “I’ve been stuck here on this island for 15 years… It killed… it killed us all… and it’ll kill you too…”

Rice opened his eyes and saw that both Gordon and Emmitt were staring back at him with horrified expressions on their faces.

“Guys…” Rice muttered. “Where are we?”