Emmitt on the Brink – Season 8: Week 1

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

OUTRAGE OVER DEFLATEGATE

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, July 5, 2019

He crumpled up the newspaper and launched it across the room. It just missed the Elmo trash, and the errant throw made him even more furious.

How can they do this to my favorite sports star? My hero?

He stared at the poster above his bed and decided that he had to do something. I have great power, he realized. I can fix this.

He picked up the phone and wasted no time calling his chancellor, though his fury – not to mention his fat fingers – prompted him to misdial on two separate occasions. Once he finally connected, he scheduled a meeting.

“Within the hour!” he shouted to his chancellor, hanging up the phone as soon as he was done shouting. The chancellor sounded perplexed, but he didn’t care; he hastily stripped off his Care Bears pajamas and put on his suit. Luckily, this outfit included a clip-on tie, so he didn’t have to summon his secretary to his chambers to help him with the real thing.

An hour later, the chancellor finally had arrived. Sweat dripped off his forehead, as he rushed through town on what happened to be a scorching, sunny day. The chancellor obviously did not want to make his boss wait; his predecessor was guilty of such a crime, and now he was nowhere to be seen.

“Sit down!” the boss said, motioning the chancellor toward the chair right next to a large, oak desk that was cluttered with napkins, voided checks and Magic the Gathering cards. The boss started to sit down behind the desk, but sprung up, as if he was too anxious to relax.

“We have probrem!” the boss exclaimed. “Big probrem!”

“Kim Jong-un, sir,” the chancellor responded, cautiously. “I understand that you are distraught about Tom Brady and the Deflategate situation, but there’s-”

“How can NFR say Tom Brady cheat!?” Kim Jong-un shrieked. “Tom Brady no cheat! Tom Brady great prayer! He my idor! Do you know how many poster I have of Tom Brady hanging on my warr? Do you know how many poster hang!?”

“I have no i-”

“I have ereven poster Tom Brady on warr! Now they say Tom Brady make a cheat, so not onry poster go down in varue, but arr my Tom Brady bobbrehead dorr go down in varue as werr!”

“Sir, this happened four years ago though.”

“What you mean!? I just read on newspaper today!”

“I assume that’s the North Korean Bugle? Thanks to your socialist policies, you’ve stripped their budget, so they are four years behind in the news.”

“That’s it! I gonna kirr arr people who work for newspaper!”

“Mr. Jong-un, don’t you think your venom would be better used against the NFL for accusing Tom Brady of such vile crimes?”

“Yes… yes, you right. You right arr arong. Prease get pen and write down everything I say. This retter need to go to Roger Gooderr!”