Emmitt on the Brink – Season 9: Week 11

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

CAN EMMITT SURVIVE ATTACK FROM COLLEGE IDIOTS?

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2019

Emmitt and his friends couldn’t believe it, but the college students had finally slain Donald Trump. And from the sound of it, there was no remorse from any of them.

“He deserved it!” cried one student who has completed 716 coloring books available in safe spaces. “He said mean things, none of which I actually heard him say, but he was mean and he deserved to die!”

“Yeah, totally!” agreed another college student, this one close to receiving a degree in lesbian martial arts despite being a heterosexual male. “Donald Trump hurt our feelings, so we had to kill him! This was beyond discussion! I’m all for freedom of speech, but he didn’t agree with us, so we had to destroy him!”

“And now it’s Emmitt’s turn!” a third college student shouted; this one recently wrote an essay about how the 1 percent needs to pay each college student in America $500,000 every year. “He said all people who identify themselves as celery stalks need to be put into a rocket ship and sent to the moon!”

“I heard that he said all people who identify themselves as celery stalks need to be beheaded when there’s a full moon!” screamed another college student who had such thick armpit hair that a colony of ants was living under each of her arms. “Let’s kill him too because he doesn’t agree with us!”

“Now wait a year, I mean seconds,” Emmitt protested. “I never said any of those thing!”

“This is true,” agreed Johnny Manziel. “I’ve been with him the entire time, and he never said anything like that.”

“But CNN told us he said it, so it must be true!” cried a college student who had just begun majoring in Starbucks Coffee Flavors. “The media would never lie to us, especially when it comes to CNN and MSNBC. Only FOX News would ever lie! Johnny Manziel, you probably heard that on FOX News!”

“No, I’ve literally been with Emmitt every second for the past month!” Manziel shouted back. “He didn’t say anything like that. Emmitt is not prejudiced against people who identify themselves as celery stalks.”

“Then why did my college professor say it was true!?” argued a college student who took out a $100,000 college loan with no intention of ever paying it off. “If college professors say something is true, then it’s definitely true because they are the most knowledgeable people in the world – except for the great Bernie Sanders!”

“All hail King Bernie! Feel the Bern!” they chanted in unison.

The college students marched toward Emmitt, eager to slay him with their wooden swords. Thanks to their inexplicable self-guilt, they hadn’t acquired enough hearts to upgrade to the silver sword.

Emmitt froze. He had no idea how to handle this. On one hand, he needed to survive. On the other, he needed to nab a strategy guide the one disinterested college student was holding in order to locate the Mirror of Ra, which would reveal Hillary Clinton’s true identity.

The college students brandished their swords, ready to slice through Emmitt’s flesh, when a loud screech was heard in the distance. Something large was flying toward the crowd. Moments later, it became very apparent as to what exactly it was.

It was a dragon!

A silver-haired individual was riding the dragon, which accelerated toward everyone.

“Look, it’s Daenerys Targaryen from Game of Thrones!” Warren Sapp yelped.

“Who Darrius Targarius?” Emmitt asked.

“It’s Daenerys- no, wait,” said Manziel. “It’s- it’s not a woman!”

The dragon flew closer to the college students, who began pelting the beast with fire arrows. They stupidly did not realize that the dragon was immune to flame.

WHOOSH!

The dragon engulfed the dumb college students, who cried in agony. Emmitt used this opportunity to nab the strategy guide. No one seemed to notice – they were either fleeing or being incinerated.

When all of the college students were dead or gone, the dragon landed. A silver-haired man jumped off the beast and greeted them in a charming British accent.

“Hello, my name is Milo Yiannopoulos, and I’ve come to help.”