Emmitt on the Brink – Season 9: Week 14

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

BERNIE SANDERS’ FINAL MESSAGE FOR EMMITT

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Sept. 20, 2019

They were too late. Evil Matt Millen hit the switch before they could stop him. The ground shook, and a small hole was opening in the middle of the room – the portal to the evil dimension. It was growing larger by the second.

“Guys, I’ll untie Shannon Sharpe!” Isaiah Crowell shouted. “Warren, you- wait, Bernie Sanders is alive!”

They looked at the old politician, who was lying on the ground, coughing up blood. He tried to say something, but he couldn’t speak loudly enough. Emmitt bent down near the old man to hear his dying words.

“Emmitt… I… uhh…” Sanders gasped. “Please… make… su-sure… uhh… there… are… separate… bathrooms… for… p-p-people… who… consider… thems-s-sleves… to… be… celery… and… din-n-osaurs. Please… m-m-make… sur-”

Sanders’ expression froze, and his head rolled to the side. He was dead.

“What did he say?” asked Warren Sapp, who was done slurping up the vial of blood in the water.

“I think he say something super important,” Emmitt said. “He said dinosaur like to consider to eat celery.”

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Sapp shouted. “But how are we going to get out of here? All of our transportation butterflies are used up!”

“Guys before we go, I need to find the love of my lifetimes, Dianna Russia Mariana!” Emmitt yelled, sprinting down the hallway.

“No, Emmitt!” Crowell pleaded, but to no avail. He turned to Sapp, Shannon Sharpe and Johnny Manziel, who was convulsing on the ground, thanks to the Fruity Pebbles he inserted into his anus. “What are we going to do now!? We’ll get sucked into the portal in approximately 20 minutes!”

The three sober men looked around the laboratory

“Don’t worry guys, I’m here to save the day!” yelled a familiar voice. Everyone turned around, and they were shocked to see Josh Norman, former cornerback of the Panthers and Redskins.

“Guys, I have a way out of here!” Norman shouted.

“Awesome!” Sapp yelled. “I have no idea what you’re doing here, and it seems like bad writing for an author to randomly insert someone into the story to solve a problem, but we’re happy to have you nonetheless.”

Sapp, Crowell and Sharpe eagerly awaited to see what Norman would do to save them. Norman turned around and began talking to a camera.

“I’m really excited to be part of Emmitt’s team,” Norman told the camera. “Ever since I was in college, I’ve been aiming to be a part of Emmitt on the Brink. Now, it’s my time to shine!”

“Who are you talking to?” Crowell asked angrily. “There’s no one there! I don’ think the camera’s even on!”

“Hold on guys, I’m doing my pre-savior interview with FOX,” Norman said, turning back to the camera. “Yeah, I didn’t tell them I’d be conducting an interview before becoming the random savior. I figured they’d just be OK with it. All right, back to me. I’m so grateful for this opportunity to be a member of Emmitt’s team. It’s like a dream come true. Ever since Emmitt took over as head coach of the New England Patriots – nor New Zealand Patriots, as he called them – I knew that along with winning a Super Bowl, this would be a career goal of mine. And now I’ve done it! Oh, thank you, why yes, I’m such a special talent, yes, thank you!”

Crowell and Sapp groaned simultaneously, while Manziel murmured.

“Heys someeonss tellsss thatyss guuysys tooo shuututss upppss,” Manziel slurred.

“Looks like we’re going to have to wait for Emmitt to get back,” Sapp lamented.