Emmitt on the Brink – Season 2: Week 7

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2014 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!

DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Oct. 15, 2014

It’s been a decade and a half, yet Daniel Snyder has still failed to produce a winner. He’s tried all sorts of gimmicks over the years: signing old veterans for way over market value; hiring coaches who have never been coordinators before; dealing away tons of draft picks for more washed-up veterans; asking a former Bingo announcer to call his plays; and of course, acquiring all top-10 selections in the infamous 2013 NFL Draft. We should remind you that half of those players are now out of the league.

Snyder called a press conference Tuesday afternoon and announced that he figured out what he has done wrong.

“For years, I’ve been paying players and coaches to do the winning, but it hasn’t worked,” Snyder said. “That’s because players and coaches are incapable of winning in the NFL. The only way to win in the NFL is to pay the other team to lose. So, from now on, I’ll be using the cheapest coaches and players possible, and allocating the money to bribe the other owners.”

Patriots owner Bob Kraft, who was enjoying his fifth lunch at Arby’s on Tuesday afternoon, was appalled by the news.

“He said he’s allocating money to bribe us owners?” Kraft asked. “That’s just stupid. Why would I accept money when I have all of these Arby’s sandwiches to eat?”

Hours later, Snyder fired his coaching staff and cut every single player making more than $1 million. He then signed everyone off the waiver wire and asked around to see if any coaches were willing to accept a salary of $500,000 or less. The only man to accept, of course, was Jim Zorn.

“I knew Zorney would oblige,” Snyder said. “We embarrassed him enough back in ’09 when we took his play-calling duties away. We thought he’d quit for sure. But nope, he stuck around. That’s when I knew that he would do anything to be a head coach.”

We were able to reach Zorn on his home phone. He told us why he was so willing to reclaim his old job.

“I’ve been unemployed for years and I have nothing better to do,” Zorn stated. “I just hope Mr. Snyder lets me call the plays again. That was the most funnest time of my life.”

Thirty minutes later, Snyder called another press conference.

“With Zorney back as head coach, I needed someone else to call the plays,” Snyder declared. “That Bingo guy wasn’t available, so I’m proud to announce that Alex Trebek will be the offensive coordinator. And my new defensive coordinator will be Pat Sajack. No one’s going to stop us now!”

Emmitt predictably was not concerned with any of the moves Snyder made this week.

“Why would I be concerning with these new coaches?” Emmitt asked. “I never have heard of Alex Tribune or Pat Blackjack. Snyder is a foolish and is a desperate owner tryin’ to right the train. As the old sayin’ go, desperate time call for desperate measurement.”