2024 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

Last update: Sunday, March 31, 2024. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
Next update: Every week.
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2024 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16

Jacksonville Jaguars: Donovan McNabb, QB, Syracuse
Trevor Lawrence was criticized for choking down the stretch. Doug Pederson addressed that issue.

“If we’re going to choke at the end of the year, we’re going to choke in style,” Pederson said. “Trust me, I was there in Philly. No one chokes worse than Donovan.”

How about obtaining someone who will prevent the choking from happening?

“No, no, it’s unavoidable at this point,” Pederson lamented. “Trevor just needs to learn from the best, although I warned him about asking Donovan about overtime rules because Donovan still doesn’t know what they are.”

Cincinnati Bengals: Joe Alt, OT, Notre Dame
The Bengals couldn’t believe that Joe Alt fell to them at No. 18.

“And it’s all thanks to the alt button,” Zac Taylor said. “I can’t believe how much of a dumb-dumb Ran Carthon is. No one knows what the hell the alt button does, but that didn’t mean that he had to get mad about it.”

Cincinnati seemed extremely fortunate to land Alt, but the team’s bad luck with offensive linemen wasn’t factored in, of course. Alt’s plane to Cincinnati vanished into thin air.

“It seems as though Joe Alt’s plane may have been sucked into a black hole,” said newscaster Don Lemon. “See, this is the sort of great broadcasting I bring to the table when I ask for $18 million per year. And I’m worth every penny.”
Los Angeles Rams: Aaron Casey, LB, Indiana
Les Snead was not happy about Aaron Donald’s retirement.

“We had plans for another Super Bowl run, and then Aaron screwed us over,” Snead said. “We need to replace him.”

Snead, however, admitted that he was too depressed to put any work into finding a replacement for the future first-ballot Hall of Famer.

“I was just like, F it, I’m going to use AI to find someone who mostly resembles Aaron,” Snead admitted.

AI came up with Aaron Casey, a UDFA prospect. Apparently, Snead forgot to tell AI not to just find similarities in names.

“That’s the last time I use AI to do anything,” Snead said. “I guess I should consider myself lucky that there wasn’t an even worse prospect with the last name of Donald.”

Pittsburgh Steelers: Bam Adebayo, C, Kentucky
Mike Tomlin heard of Les Snead’s plans to use AI for drafting, so he planned to emulate the Rams’ general manager’s plans.

“It’s not that I was lazy, but Netflix put all of the episodes of Young Sheldon on their platform, so I got caught up in binge-watching the show,” Tomlin revealed.

Tomlin used the time in between episodes to ask AI to find him a center to fill the team’s biggest need.

“I guess I should have specified that it should be a center in football and not basketball,” Tomlin lamented. “On the bright side, Bam Adebayo is a big guy, so he’s going to be a great end zone target for whichever quarterback outcast we end up using.”
Miami Dolphins: Jim Harbaugh Statue
To say that Dolphins owner Stephen Ross is a Michigan fan is an understatement.

“I’ve announced that I’m using this draft pick and some funds to construct a statue of Jim Harbaugh to celebrate Michigan’s college football championship victory,” Ross announced. “Harbaugh is the greatest coach to ever live, so he deserves to be honored in this way.”

This was a bit awkward for Dolphins head coach Mike McDanel.

“Gee whiz, I thought I was Mr. Ross’ favorite coach, but apparently not,” McDaniel whimpered. “But you know what, if Mr. Ross wants to honor and make love to Harbaugh, he can do that. Just know that Harbaugh’s khakis are made of fake cotton, and Harbaugh also stuffs his bra.”

Philadelphia Eagles: Georgia
It’s become a running joke that the Eagles will do nothing but draft Georgia players. WalterFootball.com, who is referring to himself in the third person in this instance, even has the Eagles drafting Georgia players with each selection.

The Eagles have decided to make it official. They are drafting Georgia, as in the entire school.

“Everyone who goes to Georgia will become part of the organization,” general manager Howie Roseman announced. “Not just the players and cheerleaders. The medical students will become our team doctors. The accounting majors will handle the salary cap under me. The liberal arts majors will clean up the toilets. It’ll be great.”
New York Jets: Amarius Mims, OT, Georgia
The Jets own this pick from the Vikings trade where Minnesota moved up from No. 11 to 10. They decided to use this selection on a tackle.

“I apologize for earlier,” Joe Douglas said. “I yelled because no one told me that Michael Penix Jr. was injury-prone, but I should have done the research myself. I take full responsibility. Luckily, we have another pick to make up for it, so I’m going to draft a totally safe tackle named Amarius Mims just in case Tyron Smith gets hurt. It’s important to have a great insurance policy.”

Once again, however, Douglas was informed that Mims has a lengthy injury history. Douglas exploded once more.

“WHAT THE F**K, WHY DOESN’T ANYONE TELL ME THESE THINGS!?” Douglas bellowed. “THIS IS BULLS**T! WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP WITH THE INJURED PLAYERS!? MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE EVERYONE WORKING FOR ME IS INCOMPETENT! THAT’S IT, EVERYONE’S FIRED!”

Dallas Cowboys: Jason Witten-Jones, TE, Tennessee
Charlie Campbell recently broke a story citing that Jerry Jones nearly firing Mike McCarthy and giving an interview to Jason Witten for the job. Jones, however, was talked out of it. We never learned who talked him out of it, but now we may have an idea.

It was none other than Miles Austin-Jones, former lover of Jerry Jones.

“I’ll admit, it was my idea to keep Mike on with the team,” Austin-Jones admitted. “Despite being Jerry Jones’ ex, I am quite jealous of Jason, and the love that Jerry has for him. But after thinking things through and doing some soul searching, I’ve come to realize that I need to allow these two lovers to reunite.”

“Hello, my name is Jason Witten, and now I am Jason Witten-Jones,” Witten-Jones said. “I think Jerry Jones is a good owner and a good lover. Because when you are an owner, and you own the team good, and you do a good job of owning the team, then you are a good owner, and when you are a good lover, and you love good, and you do a good job loving, then you are a good lover, and when you combine the two, you have a good owner and a good lover, and that is what Jerry Jones is, and Jerry Jones owns the Cowboys, who are an NFL football team because they are a team that plays football, which makes them a football team, and they also play in the NFL, which is a league, and the NFL is the sort of league where football teams play, like the Cowboys, who are an NFL football team.”
Green Bay Packers: Charlie Tweeder, WR, West Canaan
The Packers had so many young receivers on their team last year that one would think they’d want to get older at the position. Instead, the opposite was true.

“We had so much success with the young receivers that we want to go even younger,” Matt LaFleur revealed. “We’re thinking Gen-Z, or maybe even Gen-Alpha, but starting with a high school kid is probably the safest route.”

LaFleur suggested that unborn children would even get a shot.

“I saw a woman who was four months pregnant the other day, and all I could think was, ‘Man, that baby in her womb would make a great receiver for our team.'”

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: More Brainwashing Drugs
One of the strangest things to occur this offseason was when Mike Evans declared that he would want to play with an elite quarterback and then re-signed with the Buccaneers just 24 hours later.

“Fine, fine, the cat’s out of the bag,” said Czar of Diversity Bruce Arians. “We injected brainwashing drugs into Evans to make him believe that we had an elite quarterback, so that’s why he was willing to re-sign so quickly.”

Arians defended his actions to deflect any criticism going his way.

“It’s OK to do underhanded tactics like this because I’ve constructed the most diverse coaching staff in the NFL,” Arians boasted. “Sure, they’re all one race, but it’s the most diverse coaching staff anyone has ever seen. This has given me enough brownie points so that I can deflect criticism for any wrongdoing I may be guilty of.”
Arizona Cardinals: Marvin Harrison Jr., WR, Ohio State
Monti Ossenfort had a change of heart.

“I meant to take Marvin Harrison Jr. all along, I want him, please, please, please!” he begged.

The Chargers obliged. They traded Harrison to the Cardinals for Malik Nabers and three first-round picks in 2030, 2032, and 2084. Ossenfort was asked about Harrison’s horrific knee tear, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“He’s been my guy all along, and besides, we’re used to a guy getting injured all the time,” Ossenfort said. “And who knows, maybe Harrison and Kyler can become best friends while recovering from their horrific injuries at the hospital.”

Buffalo Bills: Osama Bin Laden Jr., WR, Sarah Lawrence
The Bills drafted a receiver at No. 28, just as everyone predicted. However, instead of the pick being Adonai Mitchell, Xavier Worthy or Brian Thomas Jr., it was a complete unknown.

“We’ve had our eye on Osama Bin Laden Jr. for a couple of years now, and we’re glad that he has joined our team,” Sean McDermott beamed.

When asked what he likes most about Bin Laden Jr., Dermott couldn’t stop gushing about his new receiver.

“He shines in every aspect, but his best attribute is his coordination,” McDermott revealed. “He’s so good at coordinating with others on how to attack a buildi- I mean defense.”
Detroit Lions: Myles Murphy, DT, North Carolina
Myles Murphy is seen as a sixth-round prospect, so why did the Lions draft him at No. 29 overall?

“Everyone kept saying that we had so much bad luck in the NFC Championship, it was like Murphy’s Law,” Dan Campbell said. “I don’t know who this Murphy guy is, or why he has a law, but I want him on my team.”

Baltimore Ravens: Mitch McConnell, S, Kentucky
The Ravens have signed some aging veterans lately like Derrick Henry and Odell Beckham Jr., so they’ve apparently fully embraced it.

“Why not go all the way up?” John Harbaugh asked. “I’m sure these 80-year-olds have a lot to bring to the table. Mitch McConnell has this incredible freeze move where he just freezes and doesn’t move. You’d think this would be bad for football, but opposing receivers get so confused that they break into a stupor and just collapse.”

Harbaugh revealed that his first choice, Joe Biden, was unavailable because Biden was too busy sniffing little girls.

“Actually, we probably should have gotten Nancy Pelosi,” Harbaugh said. “She could make us so much money through illegal insider stock trading that we would quickly become the richest football team in the league.”
San Francisco 49ers: Tank
“I was reading through Twitter, I mean, X, after our Super Bowl loss, and I came across something someone wrote,” John Lynch said. “Anyway, this guy has a lot of followers. He said that we should tank for a quarterback because Brock Purdy’s no good.”

So, are the 49ers tanking?

“Tanking, are you kidding?” Lynch scoffed. “That would make no sense. Anyone who would suggest that is a moron – probably someone who would steal content from WalterFootball.com and other major draft Web sites and claim it as his own. No, I’m sure this guy meant that we needed a literal tank for our quarterback, so Brock Purdy will be riding in a tank all of next season.”

Carolina Panthers: J.J. McCarthy, QB, Michigan
The Chiefs just gave this pick away to the Panthers. They received nothing in return.

“Hem, hem, uhh, hem, hem, umm, hem, hem, umm, uhh, umm, umm, hem, hem, uhh,” Andy Reid said.

“What Coach Reid is trying to say is that he doesn’t need any good players as long as he has Patrick Mahomes,” Andy Reid’s translator said. “Oh, and Andy wants to see what David Tepper will do this time.”

Tepper, predictably, drafted J.J. McCarthy again.

“Coaches say no need to draft same guy three time, but me know so much more than coaches so me draft J.J. McCarrem again!” Tepper yelled. “Now me got same quarterback three times so mean he three times as gooder than usual, and- HEY, FANS MAKE FUN ME AGAIN SO ME GONNA MAKE THEM PAY! ME GONNA SPILL DRINKS, FRENCH FRIES, AND ACID ON THEM AND THEY GONNA DIE AND ME GONNA BE VERY HAPPY HAHAHAHAHA!”