Emmitt Smith’s 2023 NFL Mock Draft

I’ve been writing Emmitt Smith mock drafts ever since ESPN unjustly fired him. My reasoning was that we all missed Emmitt’s grammatically flawed analysis on the “Worldwide Leader,” and I was protesting ESPN terminating his contract. Emmitt was definitely the highlight of my Sunday mornings, and America deserves to hear him once again.

This is my 13st Emmitt mock draft. I can’t believe it’s been more than a centuarary already! Where have the time gone?

This is what a 2023 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. This is satire, so don’t take this seriously, especially if you happen to be irritated by everything and have no sense of humor.

My real 2023 NFL Mock Draft – Emmitt’s 2022 Mock – – Emmitt’s 2021 Mock – Emmitt’s 2020 Mock – Emmitt’s 2019 Mock – Emmitt’s 2018 Mock – Emmitt’s 2017 Mock – Emmitt’s 2016 Mock – Emmitt’s 2015 Mock – Emmitt’s 2014 Mock – Emmitt’s 2013 Mock – Emmitt’s 2012 Mock – Emmitt’s 2011 Mock – Emmitt’s 2010 Mock – Emmitt’s 2009 Mock – Emmitt’s 2008 Mock

A reminder of what we’ve been missing on Emmitt-less ESPN.

Carolina Panthers: C.J. Stram, QB, Ohio State
I thought the Chicago Bear have the top pick in the 2023 draft, but somebody tolded me that the Panther traded the farm for these pick. If I was the Panther, I would not have trade the farm for any pick because farm real value, and not just real value, but real, real value. Farm are more expensivism than ever before egg cost a lot of money, like $54. If you have a farm, you can ask the chicken, cow, and rabbit to lay egg and then selled them for a million dollar.

But the Panther already make the mistake of selled the farm, so he probably gonna take C.J. Stram, who related to Hank Stram probably have to guess without looking it up in the dictionary.

Houston Texans: Bryce Young, QB, Alabama
The Texas have needed a quarterback since the days of Desham Watson, who got under arrest when he have sexual with prostitute. This happen a long time ago, maybe like four decade, so it is time for the Texas to move on like a guy who got brokened up with girlfriend. Like my grandfather, Ezekiel Emmitt the Smith III Sr. Esq. use to say, if you fall off a horse, you have to not falled off the horse again.

As luck would has it, Bryce Young the kid brother of Steve Young, who play against my team the Dallas Cowboy a lot of time until he suffer a lot of concussion. Bryce Young do not have any concussion yet, and he probably will not have any unless he suffer concussion.
Arizona Cardinals: Christian Gonzalez, TE, Oregon
The Cardinal are in deep trouble right now. Killer Murray broke his ACL, and the coach Kliff Killsburgy, got kidnap in Tideland by pirate. Then, J.J. Wasp retiremented and Zach Hurts run away because his brother Jalen Hurst so good at football. The Cardinal need a new tide end, and just as luck would has it, Christian Gonzalez, the twin younger brother of Tony Gonzalez, comed into the draft. Hopefully he can catch the ball gooder than Tony, who caught the ball real gooder when he play for the Falcon and Chief a century ago.

Indianapolis Colts: Will Levis, QB, Kentucky
The Colt have not beened the same since Peyton Manning gived birth to Andrew Luck and then both of them retiremented. They try a bunch of old quarterback to play like Philip River, Carson Wings and Matt Romney to play quarterback, but all of them failure. And by failure, I mean when you do bad on test in school and the teacher gived you the alphabet F until you reminded him that you play football and then he change it to B. The Colt need to look forward into the future and grab a quarterback so why not Will Levis. He name after the jean company because he probably like to wear a lot of Levis jeans.
Seattle Seahawks: Dijon Robinson, RB, Texas
It real important to haved a good running back in the National League of Football, and the Seahawk knowed this more than anybody in the whirl. After all, he have not beened the same since Marshawn Lunch leave the team and move on to greener patches. Dijon Robinson, who parent name him after Dijon Ketchup, the best running back everyone had ever seened, which make me wonder why he not the first pick in the mark draft. This make me want to start over but the delete button on my computer do not work so I has no choice but to move on.

Detroit Lions: Jaskins Robinson-Jaskins, WR, Ohio State
The Lion do not win a lot of game since the glory day of Matt Millings. The secret to his succeed are because he draft so many receiver, so the Lion need to go back to his root, which are the root of the tree. It called the root of the tree because that the root of it, and the root are where the root begin. And the root for the Lion are receiver, so he need to keep drafting receiver until the only guy on the team are receiver and that will give the Lion finally a chanced to go back to the doggone playoff.
Las Vegas Raiders: Paris Johnson, OT/G, Ohio State
The Raider have the best running back on the league right now, Jim Jacobs, who not only run good but he catch good as well too. He a real special player, so the Lion need to give him a offensive line so Jacob Johnson have a lot of room to run, which real important for a running back because room give you room. I just realize I type Lion but my delete button do not work so I cannot change to Raider. But I digest. Paris Johnson remind me of the city in the town of Europe, I cannot remember his name but he begin with the alphabet P.

Atlanta Falcons: Tyrion Wilson, DE/DT, Texas Tech
The Falco do not generate pressure on the quarterback, which a big problem because if they does not generate pressure on quarterback, then the quarterback do not get pressure. And if he do not get pressure, he not pressure. You see? In come Tyrion Wilson, who name after the Elf in Game of Turns. It only a matter of time that the show have influence on people naming baby. The show comed out in 2010 and Tyrion Wilson borned in 2000 which make borned 10 year after Game of Turns comed out on TV. I knowed this number because of my calculator. I carry three thing around with me at all time: Calculator, a map, and rubber chicken.
Chicago Bears: Jalen Carter, DT, Georgia
I read that the Bear are doing his dude diligence on Jalen Carter because he was under the rest during the combine because he run over somebody in his car, which sound like a real serial crime to me. Super serial. But the Bear are doing a good job of dude diligence because it real important to cross your I and dot your B, which I do all the time when I work on something important like this mark draft. I work real hard on it and so you can see that I do not make any missed steak except for the one time I type Lion and mean Raider but I can’tnot change because the keyboard do not work all the button.

Philadelphia Eagles: Ness, DE, Iowa
I getting real tire of the Eagle always stolened pick! He all ways have two pick in the draft because he stolened it. He probably go up to other team with a knife and say, “I gonna shoot you if you do not gived me these pick” and then they gived pick. And no body can stop him because of the second commendment, which say you has a right to bear harms. So the Eagle probably gonna continue to debacle my Cowboy so I give them Ness, a little kid from the game Earthbind which about a kid who go around the world and eat pizza and call home if he homesuck.
Tennessee Titans: Anthony Richardson, QB, Florida
I pesonality would not draft Anthony Richardson. I not a scott or anything, I just listen to what talker guy say on TV and then I try to remember my bestest and putted guy to team that make scents. But I remember Trent Richardson, who a horrible running back in the league for the Brown. I thought he was going to be the second cunning of Jim Brown, who record I brokened one upon a time, but Trent Richardson got debacled. Anthony Richardson remind me of Trent Richardson because they all most have the same named, except for a couple of alphabet, but as the old saying go, the apple do not falled far from the orange.
Houston Texans: Njigba Jaskins-Njigba, WR, Ohio State
The Texas the only team that have two pick in the draft, and he really need it. He have a lot of need, so many need that I cannot even count the number of need on one finger. Like everbody else, I has seven hand on my finger and that mean the Texas have more than seven need because of the number of hand on the finger. That a lot of hand and a lot of need, but that just go to show how starve for talent the Texas are, so they gonna take Njigba Njigba-Jaskins and finally fill the need he have at receiver since Andre Jaskins.
New York Jets: B.J. Ham, QB, Ohio State
If you do not hear the news on the Pat McDonald Show, Aaron Rodger say he step out of the darkness and make a decision where he want to go. He must has carry a flashlight because when I in the darkness, I get lost and have to wait until it light outside again unless I carry flashlight instead of rubber chicken or map, but both way too important to discard. Aaron Rodger say he going to the Jet, which a good move except he long in the mouth and need to retiremented, so if he do, the Jet can draft the best quarterback on this draft, B.J. Ham, who do a great job in a lossed against Georgia in the doggone college football playoff.
New England Patriots: Hamster Hooker, QB, Tennessee
Robert Kraft, who invent macaroni cheese, gotted into trouble one time when he pay for hooker. This why a lot of people say this pick not gonna happen, but my political believe align with the librarians who say anything go, so I fully support the hooker profession. A lot of people say this the oldest profession in the history of man. This probably true, along with janitorism, because the janitorisms have to clean up after the guy have sexual with the hooker, so it only make scents that janitorism go hand in foot together. So, the Patriot should not be scare to take Hamster Hooker to finally replace Tim Brady.
Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodger, QB, California
I has the bestest idea ever in the history of manskins, and I cannot belief that nobody have not thought of these before. What if the Jet trade Aaron Rodger to the Jet probably for a million first-round pick and then use a first-round pick on Rodger himselves? That would mean that the Packer gonna keep him and all the pick he getted from the Jet. This mean that the Jet gonna suffer the greatest debaclement in the history of debacles, and trust me, if anybody know about the history of debacles, it is me because I take a class at University of State Florida University called the History of Debacles. This was one of the class where the teacher upgrade my grade from alphabet F to alphabet B.

Washington Redskins: Brian Brunch, RB, Alabama
The Redskins are the laughing sock of the league. He always losted more than he winned game. This because the Redskin never has a good running back. When the last time the Redskin have a good running back? Probably Bill Clinton Portis, but he got imp peach because he have sexual with his wife Hillbury Clinton Portis in the oval office, which illegal because only virginia allow in the oval office. And virginia the guy who never have sexual before. I was virginia until I meet my wife, Emily the Smith IX the III Esq. the St. XII Sr.

Go to Emmitt Smith’s 2023 NFL Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

Sorry for cutting this into two halves; I’ve received complaints about load times and putting the mock draft on two pages saves bandwidth.

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