2015 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

Last update: Friday, April 10, 2015. Major changes in all 1 rounds.

This is satire, so don’t take anything on this page seriously, especially if you have no sense of humor. I put 32 celebrities on the clock and had each of them make a pick in the 2015 NFL Draft. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2015 NFL Mock Draft or 2016 NFL Mock Draft. Follow @walterfootball for news and updates.

2015 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft: Picks 1-16

San Diego Chargers: Career Advice for Philip Rivers
(By Jerry Jackson, Professional Starbucks Barista)

PHILIP RIVERS. YOU USED TO BE A GOOD QUARTERBACK BUT NOW YOUR DIRT SON. YOU THROW TOO MANY PICKS AND YOU DON’T WIN PLAYOFF GAMES. YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB AND YOU NEED TO RETIRE SON.

LOOK AT WALTER FOOTBALL. HIS PICKS USED TO BE GOOD BUT NOW HIS PICKS SUCK. YOUR PICKS SUCK JUST AS MUCH BUT YOUR PICKS ARE INTERCEPTIONS INSTEAD OF ACTUAL GAME SELECTIONS SON. BUT YOU PROBABLY KNEW THAT ALREADY SON.

I’M A CREEPER SO I LOOKED AT PICTURES OF YOUR PAST GIRLFRIENDS. THEY ARE FAT PIGS SON. HOW MANY GIRLS WITH DOUBLE CHINS CAN YOU DATE SON. I HAVE NEVER BEEN LAID BECAUSE I AM A P***Y IN REAL LIFE AND I’M AFRAID TO TALK TO GIRLS BUT I WOULD RATHER SLEEP WITH NO ONE THEN YOUR FAT PIGS SON.

I AM YOUR MAKER. YOU LOST TO CHASE DANIELS FOR A PLAY OFF BIRTH SON. YOU SUCK SON. TIME TO HANG UP THE CLEATS AND BEGIN YOUR BROADCASTING CAREER SON. OR MAYBE YOU’LL GET HIRED BY STARBUCKS AND MAKE $11 PER HOUR LIKE ME BUT YOU’LL NEVER BE AS GOOD OF A BARISTA AS ME SON. BETTER GET YOUR RESUME TOGETHER SON.

BEST OF LUCK SON
Kansas City Chiefs: Killing Options
(By Evil Charles Davis, NFL Network)

I came from the evil dimension with Evil Mike Mayock. Evil Mike Mayock tried to strangle me with his arms that are long like vines, but I was able to escape. Did you know that there are other types of methods to murder people? For example, you could tie someone up in the basement and starve them to death like I have one time. How about drowning someone with your bare hands like I did yesterday? What about slicing someone up into little pieces and feeding them to your dog? This works well, trust me. Let’s not forget hanging someone up in your tree. For this, I’d recommend an elm or a redwood. How about having someone get on their knees and shooting them execution-style? I do five of these per week. What about impaling someone and then drinking their blood like Vlad the Impaler? I’d like to one day be known as Evil Charles the Impaler. Don’t forget burning someone to death. It smells great. And let’s not skip putting someone into a cage with one of Mike Mayock’s dancing bears. I love killing boy scouts this way. How about throwing someone off a cliff? What about firing a rocket launcher at a person? How about bludgeoning someone with an ax? How about dropping an anvil on someone? What about tickling someone to death? How about burying someone alive? What about driving a stake through someone’s heart? What about starving someone to death?

These are all great options. For more, check out my Web site, EvilCharlesTheImpalerKillsPeople.com!
Cleveland Browns: Update from Rehab
(By Johnny Manziel, Substance Abuser)

Hey guys, it’s Johnny Manziel, live from rehab. I had a rough rookie year. First, the media criticized me for being a normal 21-year-old kid, just living the life. I’m just 21, so I have to live the life like a normal kid, you know, even though I’m the face of an NFL franchise. Then, I lost the starting job to Brian “buzz kill” Hoyer. After that, I started and the Bengals cheated and made me lose. Then, I got hurt. And to add insult to injury, only five people showed up to my birthday party out of 60 people I invited on Facebook. All five people were guys. I was hoping some girls would show up because I like how their boobs bounce when they hit the pinata, but only the guys were hitting pinatas at my birthday party.

Now, I am in rehab. I needed to rehab for substance abuse. I abuse lots of substances and stuff. What kind of substances? Uhh… hmm… hold on, let me see what my PR person told me to say. Oh yeah, uhh… I’m really addicted to alcohol. Lots of alcohol like beer, whiskey and vodka. Sometimes I mix all three together in one drink! Let’s see what else I am abusing… OK, I am addicted to marijuana. Marijuana makes me crazy. Like really hyper and then I want to smash my head into a wall. And then I want to drink more alcohols. OK, what else? Oh, crack. I love snorting crack so I need help.

I think that’s enough substances I’m abusing. And I really am abusing substances, I swear. I’m not in rehab just to fix my image after a bad year. That would be stupid. Who the hell would do something like that!?!?
Philadelphia Eagles: Spelling Bee
(By Charles Barkley, Samuel L. Jackson and Spike Lee, Commercials)

Samuel L. Jackson: HERE WE ARE AT THE SIXTH-GRADE SPELLING BE AT JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL BECAUSE OF OUR CAPITAL ONE QUICKSILVER CARD!

Spike Lee: What are we doing here, Chuck? Why did you lead us here?

Charles Barkley: Uh oh. I thought I was driving us to the NCAA Championship, but I must have gotten confused.

Samuel L. Jackson: HOW DO YOU CONFUSE THE SIXTH-GRADE SPELLING BEE WITH THE NCAA NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP? AND WHY DID MY CAPITAL ONE CARD NOT ALERT ME THAT WE WERE GOING TO THE WRONG LOCATION?

Spike Lee: Well, since we’re here, we might as well participate. Chuck, you’re up. But don’t be too hopeful because a white teacher is running this, and all white people are racist against black people. White people are the devil.

Teacher: OK, Charles, here’s your word: Spell “terrible.”

Charles Barkley: Uh oh. Uhh… can use it in a sentence?

Samuel L. Jackson: MAN YOU DON’T NEED HER TO USE IT IN A SENTENCE! I’LL DO IT! IF YOU DON’T HAVE A CAPITAL ONE QUICKSILVER CARD, YOU ARE TERRIBLE!

Charles Barkley: OK, here goes. T… U… R… R… R… R… R… R… B… R… L… Turrrrrrbl.

Samuel L. Jackson: THAT SPELLING WAS TERRIBLE! ALMOST AS TERRIBLE AS YOUR LIFE WILL BE IF YOU DON’T HAVE A CAPITAL ONE QUICKSILVER CARD!
Cincinnati Bengals: Garrett Grayson, QB, Colorado State
(By Evil Ron Jaworski, ESPN Analyst)

I’m Evil Ron Jaworski, and I’ve come from the evil dimension that Todd McShay and Mel Kiper opened up earlier! I was in the middle of watching 6,000 hours of game film on Garrett Grayson, the Colorado State quarterback! And by watching 6,000 hours of Garrett Grayson, I mean I kidnapped a dozen people, stapled their eyes open, sat them in front of 500 hours of game film and made them watch all of it! Then, I took down their notes and then shot them in the back of the head with my Colt Python! What I’ve determined is that Garrett Grayson is the best quarterback who will enter the National Football League! Garrett Grayson has great size! Great arm strength! Look at these throws! He reminds me of myself with those throws! Of course, I was known as the Polish Rifle because I fired the ball like a rifle on the field and shot people with my rifle off the field! Now, I use a Colt Python because it was the best weapon in Resident Evil! Speaking of Resident Evil, I spent those 6,000 hours creating zombies to eat people! These zombies listen to me! Now go, zombies, eat everyone so I may rule the world and force those who survive to watch game film for me!
Pittsburgh Steelers: Worst People Segment
(By Keith Olbermann, Disgusting Human Being)

It’s time for my Worst People segment of the show. I’ve been alerted that 13 people watched last night’s episode, so we’ve had an increase of 40 percent. Thank you, all, for tuning in. You are all the best people. The worst people, meanwhile, are Penn State students.

Penn State students are all pitiful. If you haven’t heard, they run this thing call THON, which raises money for kids with cancer. Who, in their right mind, would want kids with cancer to get help? Kids with cancer are pitiful. Raising money for them is pitiful. Penn State students should be raising money for my show. With this money, I could advertise, and then, who knows? Maybe 16, or even 17 people would watch my show.

More Worst People: How about orphans? They are so pitiful, with their families deserting them and such. People raise money for orphans, which is pitiful because they could be raising money for my show. People need to watch my show because I am the greatest human being on the planet.
Detroit Lions: Newest Twitter Color Picture
(By Matt Millen, Strange Human Being)

If you missed it, there was a major controversy on social media recently. There was a dress, and the color of it was unclear. Some thought it was gold and white. Others believed it to be black and blue. This puzzled me, but thank God we weren’t talking about the colors of a young stallion’s trousers. I would’ve been too aroused to make an educated guess!

I have my own riddle for all of you. Take a look at this sexy picture:

Now, I must ask you: Is this kielbasa white and gold, or is it blue and black? I’ll give you a second to decide…

The answer? It was a trick question! It’s both, or neither, or either.

I’ll explain: The color of kielbasas depend on the USDA Man percentage of those wielding it. If the young stallion in your hotel room is less than 75-percent USDA Man, the kielbasa is white and gold. If the USDA Man percentage is between 76 and 150, it is blue and black. If, however, you are lucky enough to score a sexual venture with a USDA Man of 151 percent or greater, the kielbasa becomes every color and sparkles like Rainbow Road in Mario Kart. And when it’s inserted into your backside, it feels like you touched one of those magical stars that makes you invincible!
Arizona Cardinals: Does It Even Matter?
(By Matthew McConaughey, Actor)

When WalterFootball asked me to make a pick in the Celebrity Mock Draft, I did a lot of thinking. A lot of good thinking. Because I’ve been making mock drafts before they paid me to make mock drafts, but I do my best thinking when I make mock drafts.

Now, here’s something I’ve been wondering about. When you make a mock draft, are you mocking players to teams, or are teams mocking players to you? Or, are you making the mock, or are you the one being mocked? What if there’s some heavenly being mock drafting your life right now? What if each day is a round? What if the first pick is you getting up, and the second pick is you brushing your teeth, and the third pick is you making coffee, and the fourth pick is to eat cereal? But which cereal will you eat? Maybe this heavenly lord is spending his time deciding between Cocoa Puffs and Raisin Bran. What if he has them tied in his big board? Does he let you make the pick? Do we make any decisions in life? Was my decision to make this pick mocked by this heavenly being?

Wow, I really need to do some more thinking on this. As if I had a choice in doing so.
Carolina Panthers: Thank You Note to Jerry Jones
(By Greg Hardy, DE Woman Beater)

I’d like to thank Jerry Jones for giving me another chance in the NFL. I was hoping to find someone who would give me a shot after those baseless allegations against me, and Jerry Jones has proven to be a man of high character.

Let me be clear here: I never would touch a woman. Not unless they did something bad. Like, if they punched me or pulled a gun on me, I would hit them. I think that’s understandable. And then there are other things. For instance, if I asked her to make me a sandwich, and she didn’t, I would punch her. Or, if she wouldn’t let me watch my favorite TV program, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, BAM! Oh, and what if she cleared my Internet history without asking me? WHACK!

But it’s all OK! I’ve learned that you can hit all of the women you want to, and if you have money to pay them to go away, you’ll be exonerated! I’m glad Jerry Jones has such high character to recognize this!
Baltimore Ravens: Vic Beasley, DE/OLB, Clemson
(By Ray Rice, RB Woman Beater)

This is a good pick for my former team, the Baltimore Ravens. Vic Beasley seems nice. Beasley has a lot of good qualities. In fact… WAIT, WHAT DID VIC BEASLEY SAY TO ME!? I’M GOING TO KICK VIC BEASLEY’S A**! GET READY FOR MY SUPER POWER PUNCH, VIC, BECAUSE I’M GOING TO FLATTEN YOU LIKE I DID WITH MY WIFE AT THE HOTEL!!!

Oh… wait… Vic isn’t short for Vicky? Vic is a guy? I’m sorry, Vic Beasley! I’m sorry! Please don’t hurt me! I’m defenseless against the male gender! I can only pummel women!
Dallas Cowboys: High-Interest Investment
(By Dez Bryant, WR Woman Beater)

I’m so glad that Greg Hardy is now on my team. We can go out on the town together. We’ll have some beers, talk some sports and then pick up some women. We’ll be each other’s wing-men, and it’ll be great! We’ll pick up so many women, because what girls wouldn’t want to sleep with such upstanding gentlemen like ourselves!?

Having Greg around will have other benefits. For example, we can pool our money together to get ourselves out of trouble. Greg had to pay off his girlfriend so she wouldn’t press charges, and I had to pay off that guy with the video of me dragging a women through a parking lot, so we’ve decided to set up a high-interest investment fund just in case we get into hot water again. And given our impending success picking up women together, I’m sure we’ll need the extra money!
Denver Broncos: John Elway, QB, Stanford
(By John Elway, Broncos GM)

I’ve never done a mock draft pick before, so I’m excited about this. Sure, I’ve picked players in real life, but this is much more thrilling. In honor of my first mock draft, I’d like to thank some people. First and foremost, I’d like to thank John Elway. John Elway is such a great man and a great human being. He’s a great general manager and a great mock draft picker.

Next, I’d like to thank John Elway. Wow, where would I be without him? I think I speak for everyone when I say that John Elway is the glue that holds this mock draft, and all mock drafts, for that matter, together.

And finally… John Elway. Need I say more? How could we accomplish anything without such an outstanding man? In fact, I need to thank John Elway so much that I’m going to mock John Elway in this selection. Because John Elway is the only man great enough to lead the Broncos to a championship.

I hope you enjoyed my mock draft pick. It was a great pick. And we have John Elway to thank for that.
Indianapolis Colts: Peyton Manning, QB, Tennessee
(By Emmitt Smith, English Language Debacler)

I usually get to make the mark draft pick for the Cowboy in the celebration mark draft, but this year I beened relegationed to the Colt. That is because Dez Brian making the mark draft pick for the Cowboy.

For the Colt, one thing simple: He wonned a championship when Peyton Manning was the quarterback, but he do not winned a championships when Andrew Lock playing quarterback. This because Payton Manning gonna make the Halls of Flame, but Andrew Lock not gonna do it because he have a big beard. As the wise man once say, a man who has a big beard have a lot of secret. And not just a li-bit of secret – a lot bit of secret!

I’m gonna make a bald pick and project Payton Manning to the Colt. He play in the city of Indiana before, so he will have no resurrections about going there. The only problem I forseened is that Payton Manning currently play for the Bronco. But if Nick Folds and Sam Brandon can switch team in the blink of a flash, maybe Payton Manning and Andrew Lock can change team too as well.
Green Bay Packers: Darren Sharper’s Freedom
(By Stephen A. Smith, Professional Troll)

I WAS BROUGHT IN TO MAKE A PICK FOR THE PACKERS, BUT LET ME BE CLEAR, THERE ARE GREATER ISSUES GOIN ON THAN A CELEBRITY MOCK DRAFT. QUITE FRANKLY, A CELEBRITY MOCK DRAFT IS IN-CON-SE-QUEN-TIAL WHEN IT COMES TO THESE GREATER ISSUES. AND YOU KNOW WHAT GREATER ISSUES I’M TALKIN ABOUT!!! WE’RE HERE, MAKIN A PICK FOR THE GREEN BAY PACKAS, WHEN AN UP-STAN-DIN YOUNG GENTLEMAN IS BEIN PUNISHED BECAUSE OF THE COLAH OF HIS SKIN. YOU KNOW WHO I’M TALKIN ABOUT!!! NONE OTHA THAN DARREN SHAWPER, FORMA SAFETY FOR THE GREEN BAY PACKAS, WHO IS BEIN INCARCERATED FOR A CRIME HE DID NOT COMMIT, A CRIME HE SHOULD NOT BE PUNISHED FOR! LAW-MAKAS SAY HE RAPED SOME WOMEN HERE, SOME WOMEN THERE, BUT WHERE IS THE VIDEO TAPE? WHERE IS THE VIDEO EVIDENCE? IF HE REALLY RAPED SOMEONE, SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE WOULD HAVE A VIDEO TAPE OF THIS BUT A VIDEO TAPE OF THIS HAS NOT BEEN PRODUCED!

WHAT’S HAPPENIN IS CLEAR HERE! DARREN SHARPER IS BEIN IN-CAR-CER-ATED BECAUSE HE IS AN AFRICAN AMERICAN. THIS MUCH IS CLEAR. IF DARREN SHARPER WERE OF THE WHITE PERSUASION, HE WOULD NOT BE BEHIND BARS RIGHT NOW, HE WOULD NOT BE INCARCERATED RIGHT NOW. HE WOULD BE A FREE MAN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THE LAW-MAKAS BALANCE EVERYTHING TOWARD THE WHITE FOLK, AND I’M SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYONE MAKIN EVERYTHING OUT TO BE ABOUT RACE! AS AN AFRICAN AMERICAN MYSELF, I CAN PERSONALLY GUA-RAN-TEE THAT MISTA SHARPER DID NOT COMMIT A SINGLE CRIME BECAUSE OF THE COLAH OF HIS SKIN, AND NOW I’LL LET YOU TALK BECAUSE I SAID MY PEACE ABOUT THIS ABOMINABLE ISSUE!
New Orleans Saints: LOG ON FOR THE SALE OF A LIFETIME!!!
(By Marshawn Lynch, Troller of the Media)

Reporter: Marshawn, what do you think about the Seahawks trading their first-round pick?

Marshawn Lynch: You know why I’m here.

Reporter: Were you hoping they’d take a receiver to perhaps take a defender out of the box?

Marshawn Lynch: You know why I’m here.

Reporter: What do you think about the Jimmy Graham addition?

Marshawn Lynch: You know why I’m here.

Reporter: Do you think Jimmy Graham will help you get more running lanes?

Marshawn Lynch: You know why I’m here.

Reporter: Marshawn, why are you giving the same answer every time when we’re just doing our jobs and trying to get quotes for our stories that we share with the readers, the same people who cheer for you, buy tickets and effectively pay you so much money?

Marshawn Lynch: You know why I’m here.

Reporter: Marshawn, what’s up with your hat?

Marshawn Lynch: I’m glad you asked! This hat is quite special to me. It can be special to you, too. If you don this magical hat, you too will have my great running powers. You will be a great running back with this magical hat, as it will give you unparalleled strength, speed and stamina. You can purchase this magical hat on my Web site for the low, low price of $5,999.99. But log on now because supplies are limited! After all, there are only 31 other teams in the National Football League, so I don’t want too many of my magical hats going around.
New England Patriots: Less PSI
(By Evil Tom Brady, Deflater of Balls)

What a silly world you people live in. I cannot believe that my normal counterpart was so heavily criticized for ordering someone to deflate a few footballs for him. Not that my normal counterpart didn’t do it. Of course he did. That’s what we Tom Bradys do. We do whatever it takes to win, no matter what the cost.

What bugs me is the amount of heat my counterpart received for deflating the balls a PSI or two. Big freaking whoop. Do you know how many PSIs I deflate the balls before I take the field in my Evil Dimension? Five thousand. That’s right. I like my balls at minus-5,000 PSI. You got a problem with that? You can suck on my big, fat wang.

Now, some of you might be wondering, how do I get my balls to be minus-5,000 PSI? Wouldn’t it just be completely flat at zero PSI? Maybe in your normal, boring dimension. In ours, I gather up a large number of homeless people. But instead of giving them change, I lock them in the basement. I turn the oxygen off down there until they all suffocate. I then repeat this until I’ve suffocated 5,000 homeless people. Hence, the minus-5,000 PSI.

That’s how I like my balls.

Back to 2015 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft: Picks 1-16

Real 2015 NFL Mock Draft